HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Sad (What's New?)

SURELY ~ after I said I loved this time of year ~ I cannot have the autumnal blues?

There I was, posting how much I love the golden leaves and bonfires and how they "remind me of new beginnings". I clicked play on Eva Cassidy's Autumn Leaves ... next thing I knew, tears were flowing! And flowed on (intermittently) all day. And the next day. And the day after that. And I still feel down now. But what precisely it's all about I could not tell. (Because I don't know.)


On to "new beginnings" ~ anyone remember my JAPANESE OBSESSION? This is nothing new ~ I have had a fascination with most things Japanese (not so much the food) since my teens.

I took Japanese classes for a few weeks at university when I was 19. But it wasn't part of my course, and on top of everything else it was too much, so it got dropped. So my Japanese language skills remain at the extremely elementary stage... as much as anything else for the lack of a half-decent textbook! Not a single one I've seen teaches the script along with the grammar ~ no doubt on the assumption that the casual student will find it too difficult. I find this extremely patronizing. Imagine a Japanese person turning up in London saying: "I learned English ~ only I cannot read or write it." Utterly ridiculous!

The one guidebook I used to have: Teach Yourself Japanese Script gave Chinese-originated kanji characters, along with their meanings ~ bamboo, river, mountain etc ~ IN ENGLISH! If you wanted to learn the Japanese words for these things you had to look them up at the back. After a few pages of this I was ready to scream and bang my head on the table. The fact that I still remember what bamboo, river and mountain look like yet haven't a clue how to pronounce them surely says it all.

To remedy the situation I sent of an email this morning to the British-born Professor of Japanese at Oxford. Surely if anyone can recommend a good book, he can ...


The day finished off with my moody housemate ~ the one I was yelling at a couple of months ago after he claimed to my face that I hadn't said hello to him when I just did two seconds before... that person, who's forever convinced he's right, required my help assembling a double bed which screwed together ~ with non-screwing wooden supporting nubs in between. This man was trying to hold together two bed-ends and a frame with just the wooden nubs. He was planning to put the screws in afterwards. Surely I don't need to tell you how successful this approach was.

I endured ten minutes of such buffoonery before insisting I had to go. I have suffered too many fools over too many years ~ and not at all gladly. Nowadays my patience has run dry...


AND how was your autumnal day?

Unless you live in Australia, in which case you're surely in the first flush of spring ...

Illustrated (descending order): Eva Cassidy's official biography; Chinese/Japanese characters for bamboo, river, mountain; self-assembley chaos ...


Jeannie said...

We seem to be moving quickly into winter. The water in the ashtray on the deck is frozen.But the leaves are lovely shades of red and orange.

Akelamalu said...

The weather is beautiful here 'oop north at the moment, although it goes very cold at night.

Cheer up Gleds, soon be Christmas! :)

Syd said...

I had a great weekend and posted some photos.

Gledwood said...

Jeannie: of course we get lovely golden hues over here... but not the spectacular scarlet leaves I see in pictures of American and Canadian "fall" ...

Akelamalu: 'Tis cold here too...
I'm leaving my heating off. I like it that way!

Syd: I'm just about to have a look ...

Hit 40 said...

In Ohio, the leaves have turned quickly into fall hues. I have my electric blanket out and my space heater.

I totally agree with your thoughts on Obama and the Nobel Peace Prize!!

Gattina said...

I have to go through it, I hate automn, I hate the dying leaves and the stripteasing trees and can't understand how people like automn "colors" ! You slip on them because they are wet and humid ! I just wait until it's over !!

Gledwood said...

HIT40: ;->...

GATTINA: I used to fall over in winter all the time. When we had REAL winters. With frost and even (heaven forbid) SNOW!!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

It must be going around--I cry very easily lately too. Don't know what it is. I usually feel LESS depressed in the autumn.

Sending love,


Catvibe said...

I love Eva Cassidy. I listen to Songbird often. Beautiful voice. Sad ending to her life.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood