HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, October 16, 2009



Last summer I turned my radiators off
with a giant iron wrench anyhow, and have yet to reset them. And of course, with the recent dip in temperature, I've been thoroughly enjoying feeling cold.

Every night, when I do go to bed, I sleep the entire time under the duvet. It is far too chilly ever to emerge.

But things came to a head this morning, when I was supposed to be at a counselling session. I woke up so icy, frozen and underslept (why on earth did I ever agree to go to an appointment that early? Wanted to get it over and done with and have the day free, I spose. But it doesn't work that way. Not any more)... I just couldn't move.

And did not move for hours and hours.

And I find it incredibly difficult to get moving in the mornings without "grains in my veins" (you know the type of grains I mean). Methadone ~ except in stonkingly high 150mg+ doses ~ just does not do it. I'm not saying I feel dying sick; I just don't feel very nice at all. And the only way I've cured this for years is with a mahogany-brown shot of heroin.

So I think I had a LONG WAY TO GO until I can call myself even vaguely "recovered" ...


CILLA BLACK was on TV last night, interviewed by Piers Morgan (former red-top newspaper editor). Now in case you come from far-away shores and don't know her, Cilla Black was a shrill (but powerfully) voiced 1960s pop singer ~ the only female star in Brian Epstein's "stable" ... yes, Brian Epstein of Beetles fame.

In the 1970s she did something on TV, but whatever it was passed me by.

In the 1980s she ran a reunion show called Surprise Surprise "you haven't seen him for 50 years ... here he is your longlost brother from Australia!" ~ that shebang.

Later in the 80s she was chosen to host Blind Date, which for maybe 20 years was the top rated programme on British Saturday night telly. Nobody would go out for a night until Blind Date had finished. Interestingly, though they didn't use this last night, she once said she was chosen for the part because she was the "most sexless woman they could find!"

Anyway, what shocked me about her was that, aged 60+, she genuinely believes that "talent will out"... "if you have it you will make it".

Do any of you believe this? I used to live in a house full of talented people ~ actors, artists, singers ... none of whom has hit any sort of "big time". Personally I think Cilla's led a charmed life, sheltered by Epstein and then her manager husband Bobby, who died a few years ago. She herself admitted that when he was first in hospital with cancer she couldn't even walk the dogs by herself...

Take Leona Lewis ~ the ONLY singer I've ever heard who can do an "as good as Whitney" I Will Always Love You ... she floundered for years unrecognized... Eva Cassidy only attained success post mortem. True, you could say "talent did out" ...

... I suppose the person I'm really thinking of is ME. And will I ever distinguish myself in any way whatsoever?

And of course the only person who can answer that is me ...

Watch this if you're foreign and you'll really wish you lived in Britain in the 1980s. Vinnegary fish and chips, strong tea, the Queen ... and Cilla Black! PS People said she was ugly or "not that pretty" but I think on that album cover above she looks really fit...


Since hearing it on the radio last night, this has been going round my head all day...


Syd said...

Gleds, I hope that you will stay off the brown stuff. The movie that I wrote about today is enough to disturb my sleep.

Jeannie said...

It's a sad thing that you'll have to get used to feeling like crap in the real world but I suppose once it becomes the norm, you'll be able to.

I don't recall this woman at all.

I doubt very much that talent will out - there are far too many talented people who simply end up singing/playing in churches as their outlet. If you look at the new talent shows - Idol - Britain's got Talent etc. - it's not enough that a person has talent - they need to present an entire package of talent, style and showmanship plus marketability for the current times. You look at a lot of the bands that make it - their early music usually isn't that great but shows promise but the bands often split up anyway. I think fame is hard - you have to be selfish, driven, ambitious and shameless - sell yourself like crazy and stand out from the crowd plus have the goods.

Baino said...

I just like her accent!

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I love Cilla Black and her songs. As for Leona Lewis, she has an amazing voice and I loved
hearing 'I will always love you' is
just so beautiful.

As for the blood tests, no-one enjoys having them, but they can show up a lot of illness and then help cure things. There is only one little prick and they transfer blood into little tubes, and I don't watch and it hardly hurts at all. You would hardly feel the prick, I should imagine.
Take care, and try to stay off the brown stuff. Best Regards, Merle.

Gledwood said...

SYD: I've not been watching anything scary for a long time (thank God) ... only Jane Austen's EMMA!!

JEANNIE: re talent ~ YES EXACTLY. Cilla Black lives in that Jackie Collins world where anyone who is pretty enough, goes to Hollywood, want to become a movie star enough and has the vaguest scrap of talent will achieve that dream.. not so!

And I only CAN of course give famous examples of people overlooked for a long time because the multimillions of nonfamous ones you wouldn't know about!

BAINO: classic I know. People said she hammed it up, but that's really how she talks...

"Professional Northener".. but so what??

MERLE: I know I just hate being jabbed by bits of metal by other people. Also they insist on using the blue needle which just won't work I need a very fine one, obviously, as my veins are hammered...

Cilla Black's music was a bit TOO 60s for me!

BTW I was looking for a clip of "Alfie" yesterday and couldn't find anything with the music playing over film clips... surely SOMEONE would have posted up such a thing... somewhere??

Akelamalu said...

I think no matter how talented one is you still need that 'lucky break'.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood