HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

No Sleeping Pills: A Non-Drug Tale

VALIUM MARILYN (think Marilyn Monroe with a 40-year drug habit) who is (normally) my friend is in my severe bad books. I don't normally ask her for pills (she takes so many that when she once fell over on the bus she rattled ~ but not having slept at night all week I was tempted enough to call her two days ago and ask. She was incommunicado all day Friday (which means she was off her head) but I got a call at 09:30 hours yesterday (when I was ~ at last ~ asleep!) saying as soon as she gives her over-protective son the slip she will serve up. It took her eight hours to hobble out of her house. Then she rang me again saying she was sat on the doorstep of a Greek crackhead witch I know of old who unfortunately lives round the corner ~ and will I get there NOW. Well I couldn't do NOW because I wasn't round the corner and when I did get to the vicinity of said doorstep, the wobbling Marilyn was nowhere to be seen.

I knew exactly what was going on. Not having bothered to wait TEN MINUTES she was indoors piping with Androulla, the Greek crackhead witch, who would have bought my pills with coke. And of course Marilyn was ignoring her phone.

So five failed calls and a text later I rang Androulla's irritable Russian boyfriend who had been stupid enough to give me the number (must've been high because he doesn't like me very much more than I like Androulla). The witch answered herself. I could hear Marilyn's shrill cockney tones in the background. I said: "Can you tell Mal to stop ignoring her phone."

"How do you know she's here? She's not here!" (Very logical.)

But I'd made my point. So it's no pills for me after I'd disturbed the sanctuary of Marilyn's sacred crack. I don't touch "white" at all nowdays so I wasn't interested in that. (The mere thought of piping fills me with nausea.) But I could have done with some pills. I didn't sleep at all last night. It's now 08:17am and the broad light of day floods in through my thin curtains, torturing the back of my eyes. How am I ever going to reset my sleep pattern? I would do it without pills if I thought I could. That's one reason I keep my place so cold. Low body temp sends you off to bubbies: how many freezing nights have you lain wide awake? See what I mean...
BENZODIAZEPINES* PLEASE.

PS: Benzodiazepines are prescribed sleeping aids like Valium/diazepam, temazepam, lorazepam, oxazepam, flurazepam, nitrazepam, flunitrazempam... and just about anything else ending in "-azepam"...

PPS: On the subject of drugs, that mysterious nameless "designer" substance I sampled a few weeks ago is called mepherdrone ... not an opiate, apparently vaguely related to the North African chewing-leaf khat ...

13 comments:

molson said...

You sure know some interesting characters Gledwood. Speaking of cold, it was quite cold overnight here with a hard killing frost this morning. Not cold in my apartment though. It's burning hot like the Sahara. I don't have control over the heat so I get what I get.

Baino said...

Hmm . . it's 4:45 am here and I've been awake for an hour, I share your insomnia. I get thingking then wakeful then . . there's no going back but I've never taken a sleeping pill in my life.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Yes, you do know somw interesting people! How's the autobiog coming along, Gleds?

Gledwood said...

Molson:... and I try to avoid them!
As for overhot winter heating ~ I hate it. Came back from INDIA in January to find my ridiculous (who I never chose to live with) hiss-poisonous Scottish upstairs neighbour had set the heating HOTTER THAN GOA!!

Baino: I used to take them a lot ~ prescribed. But would rather not do so now if I can avoid it...

Welshcakes: I'm set on writing the fictional "junkie novel" instead... which shall include Gwendolina the misbehaving sorrowfully baying locked-all-day-in-the-kitchen hellhound!

Gattina said...

To sleep well you need a warm and cosy bed and maybe a hammer besides you !

BTW you would be surprised how many women wear a wig after their 60th ! it's just like with man, or you loose them or you keep them !

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Sometimes your blog reminds me of a tamer version of Last Exit to Brooklyn...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sorry you can't sleep, Gledds. That sucks big time.

Love you,

SB

Syd said...

Hope that you get some sleep. Reading z's me out so I always read before bedtime.

Changedit said...

Everybody here is raving about Merpherdrone and I am afraid it will catch on as fast as Ketamine did. It's not classified yet, so freely availabel. No 'designer drug' by the way, just some herbs that have been taken for thousands of years.

Love u xx

Michael said...

I have tried every prescription product on the market for insomnia and none of them worked; my cousin referred me to the web site narcomundo.com there I purchased a package of Somatize. I tried one serving and I was a sleep in 20 minutes and after using it for 3 nights I did not need it anymore. I am not joking!

Abusaidi said...

Looking for the ideal destination over the internet to buy sleep aid pills is not an easy task as some of the websites, pharmacies or drug stores selling sleep aids are proved to be fake stores selling counterfeit sleep aid pills. Therefore, you should be careful while looking for an online store to purchase sleep aid pills and in this regard, it is noteworthy that http://www.sleep-aid-pills.com/ is a reliable online destination that directs customers to reputed online pharmacies selling genuine sleeping pills.

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METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood