HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Sleep without Drugs*... at Last...


FINALLY LAST NIGHT I got some half-decent sleep... For many days I have found myself totally unable to achieve this... too weary... too cold... too knackered even to sleep. So I stay half-awake for hour after hour, running into day after day. That gritty feeling prevails: you know, when you feel like you've had grit in your eye, only that feeling's all around your body (not to mention the mind) ... on the inside.
My home is still freezing ~ and not a hope of heating on the horizon.
The boiler's still kaputt.
Each morning, when I do come round, I'm buried safely under a self-constructed tent of old duvet covers... it's far too chilly to consider emerging till way into the afternoon...
The language books don't really help me sleep at all. They actually keep me awake. In German I'm thinking "just another page; just one more; just another one; OK just one more then I'll stop... when we get to an even number..." and so I plough on...
Japanese is even worse... I pour over the kanji books and dictionaries I have, pondering: "I wonder what such-&-such thing looks like... e.g. birds, fish and eels... (鳥、魚、 鰻)o! and this... and that..." and I'm obsessively copying them down in my amateurish westernized calligraphy...
And I just cannot stop...




Illustrated: "nightmare" pictures by Spanish artist Goya ...
* not that I was taking sleeping drugs to start with
~ I just WASN'T SLEEPING AT ALL!

7 comments:

Jeannie said...

I don't sleep well through most nights. I likely would have last night but my husband was restless and kept thumping my head so I got up and took the puppy with me who thought it was playtime and kept jumping on my head just as I'd doze off.
sigh

Akelamalu said...

I never sleep the night through. I manage a couple of hours then toss and turn for an hour, then sleep then toss and turn......

Have you contacted the landlord about the boiler?

Thanks for the comments - in Japanese! LOL

Syd said...

Maybe read something else???? I'm at work all day and then to meetings afterwards so when I get home around 9 or 10 PM and read, I am out after a few minutes. Glad that you finally slept.

Anonymous Drifter said...

I can really sympathize with your feeling cold. Before I was renting this house I was in another house where the furnace ceased functioning. It was absolutely freezing before I moved .. had to wear a heavy winter coat just to sit in the livingroom. I hope you can get warm soon.

I had to laugh when I read that you will try to quit reading when you get to an "even" page. I do the exact same thing!

Baino said...

Gleds, I'm going to sound like a mumsy here but. Routine is everything when it comes to controlling your circadian rhythms. I'm a crap sleeper. Always awake at 3:30. You need a set bed time. As for the cold, it's unbelievable that coming into winter you have no heating. . .the only answer is to move. Remember going to primary school and doing morning exercises to 'shake off the cold'. . .and a good quality doona/duvet. Wear a beanie to keep heat in on you head and socks to stop it escaping from your extremeties. Seriously, I live in a temperate climate in a fairly warm house but sometimes I'm just freezing at night so layer up and snuggle down.

Liz said...

God, I'm glad you slept a bit better. I had a disturbed night last night and I'm a grumps after that so goodness knows how you survive. Sleep well tonight, gleds.

Gledwood said...

Yes that's all true. But it is hard to read something else. I've been so inactive for so long it's a wonder anything can grab me ...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood