HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I Dream of Paris

I KEEP DREAMING I'M IN FRANCE ... more specifically in Paris. In these dreams I'm ecstatically happy, the sun is shining, I have a feeling you only ever have when on holiday abroad (a feeling that keeps coming in random flashes more and more these days). Last night I was marvelling at the beauty of the French language as some unseen person babbled away...

... What these dreams mean I have no idea. But I decided if it doesn't work out on German-speaking shores, I would flee to France instead (which just came out with the highest quality of life rating in Europe) ...

Illustrated: Paris as it actually looks when you're there. Probably the "Left Bank"...


Jeannie said...

It's funny - my whole life I never cared at all about seeing France or Paris - except perhaps the art galleries but now, I think it would be worth while after all. I know if we ever visit Ireland again, we will likely visit a few places in Europe as well since we'd be so close.

Changedit said...

Ahhhh ma cherie, France is indeed beautiful and the French a very special race ... i.e. totally mad!!! Generally speaking they have no taste in music, but that makes them particularly endearing LOL. If you ever want to go to Paris, I am game hehe.

By the way, tried about 10 combinations of your email yesterday, but they all bounced back. Can you try and email me maybe? karinadotstoitznerdotatbtinternetdotcom

Lots of autumnal Love
Fishy xxx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I love Paris and the French. I would live there in a hot minute if all my loved ones weren't here in the U.S.

Gledwood said...

JEANNIE ~ o you gotta see Paris... the best bits are unsurpassable as any city goes...

FISHIE ~ hopefully you should finally have got a mail today... though THAT bounced back THREE times... 4th time lucky I hope!

SB ~ me too if not tied by chemical ball and chain to London...

Anonymous said...

JEANNIE ~ o you gotta see Paris... the best bits are unsurpassable as any city goes...

FISHIE ~ hopefully you should finally have got a mail today... though THAT bounced back THREE times... 4th time lucky I hope!

SB ~ me too if not tied by chemical ball and chain to London...

Gledwood said...

bloody computers. repeating my comments x2 then not letting me log out!

gledwood said...

click here to see an entertaining selection of Japanese characters ...



Akelamalu said...

Maybe it's a premonition? :0

Baino said...

It's my one huge wonderlust to visit Paris. I don't know why but it's right up there, top of the list.

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: maybe it is a premonition! I've never been to Berlin so cannot dream memories of it... but oddly I keep coming back and back to Paris in my sleep...

Baino: Paris is beautiful. Probably the most beautiful city of any great size in the entire world!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Paris seems to have a certain allure for us, doesn't it? I hope your dreams come true, Gleds.

Changedit said...

Yayyyyyy we have established email contact :-)

Lucinda said...

Haha, I've been crazed with midterms but I saw this and had to comment.
Paris is one of those places that on a bad day you HATE it, everything is terrible, you want everyone around you to die, etc., but on a good day, it's amazing, and beautiful, and you just feel lucky that you get to be here...

I just found out some exciting shit about Paris, but until it pans out, I'm keeping it hush hush.

- Lucy B! = )



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood