HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, October 09, 2009

Does Anyone Ever Really Get Clean..?

THIS IS A PICTURE of the Australian drug-memoirist Kate Holden, who published her story of middle-class girl's fall from sheltered upbringing to heroin addict a few years ago to international success. After taking heroin for some months she hit the point all addicts hit, when friends will no longer lend money, credit cards are spent ... etc and something else has to be done to raise money. So she went out and sold her body on the streets. One night a man picked her up saying he worked for a brothel that needed new girls. Two brothels later she had become one of Melbourne's most prized "ladies" of the night.

After a five-year "battle" with the drug. (An expression I that always makes me smirk inwardly: for most of an addict's battle involves automatically going on taking the drug, no matter how much they feel and say they want to stop...) ... she eventually detoxed on reducing methadone, continued working several nights a week in an upmarket brothel, and used the money she saved to fund a trip to Europe.

But all I could wonder about, on finishing the book was what did she do next? Do you think this picture gives an answer..?

To me it does. It underlines a sad reality.

I have a friend who "got clean" via Subutex (buprenorphine) after a 35 year + habit. He is full of stories of the legendary days of the 1960s. I cross-checked some of his facts and the tales appear to be true.

He was a good friend (ex-partner) of my old friend Lucky who suddenly died just over a year ago. She was the ONLY dead addict I ever cried over, so I hope wherever she is she feels privileged ... anyway:

How amazing: if someone so heavily addicted to heroin for so long can go clean ~ isn't there hope for us all?

Then, as I spent more time with him I realized the uglier (more obvious) truth. Of course he IS still using. Even after all this treatment, after all this time. He's still ~ albeit occasionally ~ using heroin.

Which just makes me want to jump out of the window.

When I get clean ~ I know this ~ I will NEVER go back.

Which is probably why I find it so very hard to GET clean...


EVA CASSIDY ~ Fields of Gold
Cancer Research UK ad

Lucky always said she used to deal Chinese heroin in Soho. And she did indeed have a very faded Chinese tattoo on one hand ...
... I'm never sure whether or not to believe such stories, but hers did have a ring of truth ... if anyone's interested, here are some facts about the "olden days" from Black Poppy magazine ...


Baino said...

Gled's she's back in Melbourne. She has a blog and My Space, is clean. She does library talks on her book and still writing. There is hope . . .always.

Akelamalu said...

As with any addiction YOU have to WANT to give up otherwise you're doomed to fail. When you really WANT it you will DO it. I hope that time is soon m'dear. x

Gledwood said...

BAINO: I hope she is. Maybe that wasn't a very good photo. I didn't mean to be unfairly judgemental. Also she could have been/could be ill ... have you got the blog url?

AKELAMALU: that's true I know. It's just so disappointing to realize what a minority activity it seems to be. That's what was getting me :-<...

Changedit said...

Gleddie, there is hope! I am clean after a 'battle with the drug' for 22 years. I do take however prescribed Codeine and Bupronorphine ... not for my addiction, but for Arthritis, which has worsened since I had HepC and treatment. But I do take these 'drugs' controlled and never exceed the prescribed dose. Wish I could do without them, but after all I have been through, I don't want to live with excessive pain, I rather be almost painfree and take some drugs. By the way, I will be down in London next month. How about meeting for a drink? Still don't know if you got my 2 email???
Love always
Fishy xx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

What is the title of the book, please? It sounds like something I might like.



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Anonymous said...

C'mon, are you really saying that you can tell Holden is still using from just a SINGLE photo, because she still looks like a junkie to *you*? That's so unfair and so judgemental in the extreme, the kind of unfair judgement that yuo wouldn't want to receive yourself. Sorry if I misunderstood you.

Anonymous said...

By the way, try GPS blocker to disable all secret devices in your room or at work.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood