I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.
I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.
My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.
This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.
If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.
PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...
PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!
Calvin Klein, celebrated fashion designer. Klein means SMALL Lucianne Goldberg, literary agent, famously embroiled in President Clinton's extramarital scandals in the 1990s. Goldberg means (surprise-surprise) GOLDEN MOUNTAIN Dustin Hoffman, Academy Award winning actor. Hoffman means HOPE MAN Jeff Katzenberg, film producer, studio-head, co-founder of Dreamworks SKG. Katzenberg means MOUNTAIN OF CATS Helmut KOHL, German Chancellor 1982-1998. Kohl means CABBAGE Judith Krantz, bestselling author of romantic sagas in the 1970s and 80s, married to film producer Steve Krantz. Krantz is an anglicized spelling of Kranz, which means GARLAND Gerhard Schröder, German Chancellor 1998-2005. Schröder derives from a Middle-Low-German root meaning TAILOR Stephen Spielberg, film director extraordinaire and founder of Dreamworks SKG studio. Spielberg means PLAY-MOUNTAIN Cornelius Vanderbilt, American entrepreneur. Of Dutch origin, "Byltye" meant a little hatchet or bill, so the name translates: OF THE HATCHET Elizabeth Wurzel, author of the original self-indulgent misery-memoir Prozac Nation. Wurtzel is an anglicized version (with added T) of the German word for ROOT
HOW TYPICAL of me to put my foot in it. (Again.) I thought I was simply quoting the German National Anthem. Little did I know that in modern times only stanza three is sung. You can read more about the Deutschlandlied here. I didn't realize my posts might have been offensive (because I posted it up in German too!!) so I altered their titles to Deutschland über England.
News? No news. Unconscious practically all day with sheer exhaustion.
And the weather is sweltering hot ~ still.
Found a brilliant book about the origins of German words and expressions in German. So I'm (slowly) reading that.
Now I've got to run. It's 01:37am! Night night all. Or good afternoon if you're in Australia.
YESTERDAY'S FOOTBALL RESULT, for those of you living on Mars was:
Germany 4: England 1
England is not happy.
This morning I was given the look of death for daring to read Stern Magazin in the post office queue!
Not much else to say, not because I'm so incredibly disappointed that England's football team made buffoons of themselves yet again, but because I've been trying to write a highly serious post in German, which is not easy.
Now I'd better go. It's nearly midnight.
Temperatures must surely have hit 32C today; it was sweltering. I slept next to a fan-heater all afternoon (obviously heat was turned off).
HERE is yesterday's escaped roborovski story translated into English. I am going to open a German blog very soon I promise y'all.
When I had roborovski pygmy hamsters, I lost them a couple of times... akh! Two entire days and not a sign ... Then, after midnight I saw something tiny, like a furry pingpong ball with eyes, that shot across the bedroom like lightning and vanished behind my bed ~ the swine! Roborovski hamsters are the smallest and fastest hamsters in the world. No wonder I couldn't catch her. Finally I threw a bedsheet over her. She was extremely unhappy, and went back to bed in the lightbulb box with a thunderous face :-)
The main illustration isn't a roborovski at all, but a cream coloured Syrian hamster, which is about five times bigger... but I just found the picture entertaining...
FURRY FRIDAY ON SATURDAY PELZIGER FREITAG AUF SAMSTAG
Roborovski pygmy hamsters are the tiniest of all hamsters. Roborowski Zwerghamster sind die kleinste aller Hamsterarten.
Even as grown-ups, they're just 5cm/2in long! Als Erwachsene, werden sie nur 5cm lang!
They are beautiful... Sie sind sehr hübsch...
Roborovskis love living together. They are the most social of all hamster species and eat, sleep and play together. Roborowskis leben sehr gern miteinander. Sie sind auch die geselligsten alle Hamsterarten, die gerne miteinander essen, spielen und schlafen.
Roborovski babies are so tiny... Roborowskibabys sind so klitzeklein...
... and cute! ... und goldig!
VERLORENEN ROBOROWSKI GESCHICHTE Wann ich Roborovski Pygmäehamstern hatte, habe ich die ein Paarmal verloren... ach! Zwei Tage lang, keine Spur. Dann, nach Mitternacht sah ich etwas klitzekleines, wie ein pelzartiger Pingpongball mit Augen, der blitzschnell der Bettzimmer herüber schoss ~ und, was für ein Schweinhund, hinter dem Bett verschwand. Der Roborowski Zwerghamster ist der kleinster, schnellster Hamster aller Welt. Kein Wunder ich konnte ihn nicht anfassen. Endlich warf ich eine Bettdecke darüber. Er war sehr unheilvoll, und ging zurück zum Glühlampekästchennest mit zornigem Gesicht :-)
IF Y'ALL were wondering what I was blithering about earlier, it was mostly about my friend Belinda's poorly doggie Albert, who had an operation to remove a lump on his side last week and has been confined to his basket in sheer misery ever since. Albert is nearly 15 years old, with fur the colour of a frosty morn. He looks like a little silver donkey with sad, sad eyes. He is so old he is almost deaf and never knows I'm there unles I put my hand down. Yesterday he was so sick he was bundled up in a doggiecoat looking forlorn and cold ~ despite temperatures of 28C. Belinda said he's going to have to go under the knife again. Today he looks much better. He won't be having an operation. Belinda says he looks so weary because he is stoned on all the painkillers and pills the vets gave him. Poor swine. I think he is going to be OK.
Flapper the wood pigeon is having a torrid affair! Yes! Off he flapped to the luxury high-gain aerial on the next road where he is to be seen cooing with a lady woodpigeon. In the German version, by the way, I made a terrible mistake and said Flapper is perched up on a TV antenna with a deaf lady! In mitigation may I point out that the German word for pigeon or dove is die Taube, while deaf is taub, so when I talk of a Taube-Frau, hoping this means a lady pigeon, I am evoking in the minds of anyone from Bremen to Berlin to Berne the image of a pigeon savagely kidnapping a disabled lady who is hanging off this pylon in sheer terror. Probably as Flapper viciously pecks at her fingertips.
The only other news is that temperatures have hit 28C and we are threatened with a weekend heatwave of 32 ~ that's 90F. The Greek lady at the druggieservice, who is from Athens. (When there is a severe heatwave in Europe it's nearly always worst in Athens. Temperatures can pass 50C/120F). She pointed out how much more oppressive is the sweltering British summer. It's nasty nasty nasty. I'm sweating like a swine.
Now here's a tune for y'all to try squawking out in the shower. I had a go and I sounded like a wicked witch having a haemorrhoidectomy without anaesthesia:
MOONFALL from The Mystery of Edwin Drood Here's the Streisand version:
HIER SIND DIE NACHRICHTEN VON GLEDWOOD Ich weiß, ich sollte einen besonderen Deutschen Blog anfangen... ja ich weiß. Aber im Augenblick blogge ich noch hier.
Der Hund meiner Freundin Belinda, der Alfred heißt ist krank! Letzte Woche wurde er operiert. Er liegt im Korb und sieht sehr öde aus. Nie habe ich ein so armer Hund gesehen. Er ist so ältlich, er sieht wie ein kleiner silbergrauen Esel aus. Sein Augen sind so elend. Heute war Alfred noch im Korb. Er trug eine kleine Hundenjacke und bewegte sich nicht. Er sah kalt aus ~ während das Temperatur 30 Grad erreichte. Er ist so alt, er konnte mich nicht hören, und er wußte nicht, dass ich dort war. Ich denke es tut ihn zu viel weh, den Schwanz zu schütteln. Belinda sagt er muss wieder zum Tierartz ~ noch mehr Chirurgie. Ich hoffe, er wird OK.
Wie ich gesagen habe, ist es hier so heiß! Heute war es schwitzender feucht. Ich fühlte, als ob ich bekleidet in der Dusche gegangen war! Sehr unangenehm. Das BBC warnt vor einer Hitzewelle mit 32 Grad oder noch höher. Ich hoffe ich werde nicht zum Tod schwitzen. Dieses Transpirationsproblem ist nur nach Heroin gekommen. Bevor meiner Rauschgiftsucht liebte ich den Sommer. Nun wurde ich lieber das ganzes Jahr in Winter leben. Das Dunkel befördere ich zur Hitze.
Die Vogel in meiner Strasse zirpen noch laut. Wir haben viele Spatzen. Sie piepsen ganz unmelodisch den ganzen Tag lang. Flapper, die Ringeltaube hat verschwunden! Ich ahne, er hat eine Affäre mit einer Ringeltaube-Frau, die in der nächste Strasse auf einer neuen Luxus-Antenne gurrt. Vielleicht gibt es da Platz für zwei...
Ich muss jetzt gehen. Es ist schon Mitternacht, und das Temperatur ist noch 19 Grad! Ich schwitze noch wie ein Schwein. Ich hoffe, ich werde schlafen können ohne ertrinken!
IT WAS 28 DEGREES CENTIGRADE TODAY. For London this is hot. I'm sweating like a swine. It's ten minutes to ten at night and only just getting dark. High summertime!
I'M STILL EXHAUSTED. I slept nearly all night; then what do I do but spend half the day asleep from sheer exhaustion too!
I wish I had something interesting to post. Not really. Flapper the wood pigeon appears to have upped and left. I think he is having an affair.
My friend's dog, who is so elderly he looks like a little silver-grey donkey, has had an operation. Every time I see him he's in his basket with the most forlorn expession on his face. I have never seen a doggie look so sad. I think he is in pain. I hope he's OK.
I heard a radio feature today called Home Thoughts from Abroad, where the BBC take London-based correspondents from the foreign press and give them open mike to hold forth on any aspect of life in the UK that interests them. Today's broadcast, by die Zeitjournalist John F Jungclaussen basically outlines the reasons why I want out of Britain. That we are becoming ever increasingly authoritarian and less and less free.
If you want to hear it you can listen online (from anywhere worldwide), click here.
Keywords/Schlüsselwörter:exhausted verbraucht; sheer exhaustion absolut Erschöpfung; wood pigeon Ringeltaube; to appear erscheinen; to up and leave abhauen; elderly ältlich; donkey der Esel; basket der Korb; forlorn öde; expression der Ausdruck; hold forth sich über etwas auslassen; broadcast Sendung; authoritarian autoritär
ONE OF THE MOST HAUNTING SONGS I KNOW... from the Broadway show The Producers. Stephen Sondheim actually wrote it to be performed by an actor, who can't really sing. Which is why the entire song can be spoken as it is here. If you don't want the talk, skip the first 2 minutes
[[1]] Judy Dench acts the piece; live performance... Here you'll see the English flourishes streisand talks about in the screen below ~
[[2]] This from the making of Barbra Streisand's Broadway Album 1986
[[3]] Timeless: live in Las Vegas 2000 Man, considering her career had been going 38 years, her voice is in stunning nick: Ignore the silly opening sketch. Here Streisand makes the song more musical than you could ever imagine
Stephen Sondheim hat dieses Lied für einen Schauspieler, der nicht wirklich singen könnte, geschrieben. Hier (1) spricht Dame Judy Dench die Melodie. Und dann ~ Nr. (3) ~ was für eine Stimme! Hier bezaubert Streisand alles...
YOU COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP. I had to post this. Here's what Google Translate made of my post yesterday about Welshcakes Limoncello's little doggie Simi. After reading this I had to alter the word Ampel, which I was told meant flower pot, but actually means a kind of hanging basket ~ though, as the translator correctly identified, the normal meaning of that word is traffic light!
HERE is the dog of my friend Welshcakes Limoncello in Sicily, the Simi (short for Simon) is called. This stretches the fluffy teddy bear after a tiring Pelzschnitt. His coat is pure gold reingesponnenes, is not it? Maybe if Welshcakes planting the scrap into a traffic light, not a gold tree would grow from this?? Now barking Simi: woof woof-tootle-complain-i-coo-i-bone-knocking. She says: please come and tell you how beautiful I am! Here is the link.
(Simi speaks English, Italian and French and, of course, Doggie, but no German ...)
And this is the original English translated into German.
Dies ist mein Freund WELSHCAKES 'Dog SIMI wobei eine Pause nach einem anstrengenden Fell geschnitten. Ist sie nicht der süßeste kleine trotterdonkey du je gesehen hast? Ihr Fell ist aus reinem Gold gesponnen. Ich hoffe, Welshkcakes hält die Stecklinge. Vielleicht, wenn du sie pflanzen, werden sie in eine Gold-Baum wachsen ... Nun ist Simi mich Bellen: Woof Woof-groany-bone--a-doodle. Sie sagt: Kommen Sie vorbei und lassen Sie mir eine Nachricht zu erzählen, wie schön ich bin, ist der Link hier.
If you compare both languges, you'll note they aren't direct translations. I wanted to see how Simi's barking onomatapoeia came across. I had to scan the German dictionary specifically for rhymes, which the translator dealt with rather well. In English-German, as you can see, it gave up all together and shoved the English woofs straight through!
AREN'T THESE SIMI PICTURES AMAZING? Did you ever see such golden fur? And who says doggies can't smile?! If you're wondering what breed she is, btw, Simi is a Porkshire cross...
Was für phantastische Simi-Bilder, nicht wahr? Habt ihr jemals solche goldene Fell gesehen? Wer sagt, dass Hündchen nicht lächeln können? Falls fragt Ihr euch, Simi ist Yorkshire Terrier-Mischling.
THIS IS MY FRIEND WELSHCAKES' DOG SIMI taking a rest after an exhausting fur-cut. Isn't she the cutest little trotterdonkey you've ever seen? Her coat is spun of pure gold. I hope Welshkcakes keeps the cuttings. Perhaps if you plant them, they'll grow into a gold-tree... Now Simi is barking at me: woof-woof-groany-bone-a-doodle. She is saying: please drop by and leave me a message telling me how beautiful I am, the link is here.
HIER ist das Hündchen von meiner Freundin Welshcakes Limoncello in Sicily, das Simi (kurz für Simone) heißt. Hier, nach einem ermüdenden Pelzschnitt, spannt der flauschige Teddybär aus. Sein Fell ist unvermischt reingesponnenes Gold, nicht wahr? Vielleicht falls Welshcakes die Schnippel in einem Topf anpflanzt, würde ein Goldbaum daraus wachsen??! Nun kläfft Simi: woof-woof-murren-i-gurren-i-knochen-pochen-dudeln. Sie sagt: bitte mal komm' vorbei und erzähle wie schön ich bin! Hier ist das Link.
(Simi spricht Englisch, Italienisch und Französisch und natürlich Doggie, aber leider kein Deutsch...)
Woof-woof!
OK just a very quick post ~ and no little birdies either! I've spent most of today asleep with the usual exhaustion. I was asked whether I think it's just a question of lost sleep catch-up or whether I feel ill. Really, I feel ill. It doesn't feel right. I get the patronizing response from druggieservice and healthcare professionals that this is some kind of inertia manifesting (ie "if you don't use it you lose it" and I'm tired bc I never do anything) ~ well how do they know? As I said, I'm just as likely to sleep in a public place as at home. I only get to a public place by exerting myself. It makes no difference how much "effort" I put into life. Whatever I do, I end up paying the for it. My body goes "no. Too much!" There's no great mystery to all this. I'll tell you what it is. It's depression with chronic fatigue syndrome/CFS traces on top. Plus of course opiates prescribed and otherwise only exaggerate things... So that's what it is and I'm not too worried about it. If I had a fatal illness, I would have died years ago. Wherever you are, I hope your weekends were more restorative!
No German today. I'm too erschöpft. If you are reading this somewhere German-speaking these are the keywords/Schlüsselwörter: to patronize sb jdm gönnerhaft behandeln; druggieservice (mein eigene umg) die Drogensuchtklinik; inertia Trägheit; to exert oneself sich anstrengen; effort die Mühe; CFS=chronisches Erschöpfungssyndrom; traces die Spur; to exaggerate übertreiben; fatal lebensgefährlich; restorative stärkend
What an amazing sight; Nikki the cockatiel washing wings under kitchen tap! Was für ein wunderschönes Blick! Nymphensittich wascht die Flügeln unter Küchezapfen!
Gonzo really goes for it under the tap. You'd think they'd really hate water dripping right between the feathers, but apparently not so: Man liebt das Wasser so...
Mad French woman strips off and takes squeaky-squarking cockatiel into shower... (no tiny tits) Verrückte Französin entkleidet und bringt lärmenden schreienden Vogel in die Duschi mit:
Extraordinarily tame budgie goes for outdoor Tupperware bath... Außergewöhnlich zahmer Wellensitti ch nimmt Tupperware-Bad im Freien:
Blue tit has splish-splash-sploshy jamboree in the bath: "Blaumeise spielt Propeller im Vogelbad" ~ sehr komisch!
I don't know what this is because it's Russian and it still won't load, but if anyone sees it and likes it, please tell me! Über diesem hab' ich keine Ahnung...
Only in Japan 鳥風呂 ~ it takes a while to get going, but eventually you see an entire flock of (pet) canaries taking a dip... Kanarienvogelflug baden....
And last but not least: bizarre Japanese bird-tin antics: Bizarre Vogeldosegrimassen aus Japan:
English-speakers: this is a German adaptation of yesterday's story about the baby bird in the street, "I nearly grabbed a tiny tit".
Gestern habe ich einen kleinen blauen Vogel in der Straßenmitte gefunden. Das winzige Küken sah zu mir auf, und piepste, "was willst du mit mir?" Es war ein Blaumeisebaby, vielleicht ein Teenager, noch nicht flügge. Ich sagte, "Du kannst nicht in der Mitte der Straße bleiben. Also gehe!" Ich kniete nieder, dann flog es in die Gosse. Da blieb es, und piepste und piepste. Ich sagte, "Da kannst du auch nicht bleiben! Fliehe zurück zum Nest!" Ich winkte die Armen. Dann flog es zu einer niedrigen Mauer, wo man sitz um seinen Dealer zu erwarten. Dann klingelte mein Telefon. Mein "Freund" erzählte mir, "Ich fahre nun die Straße entlang." Also, zuerst musste ich damit abfertigen. Ich dachte, ob das Vogelein noch da ist, werde ich es zuhause mitbringen. Also traf ich meinen Freund. Zwei Minuten später kehrte ich an die Wand zurück: aber von dem winzigen Küken ~ keine Spur. Ich suchte und suchte wie eine Stecknadel. Ich horchte und horchte auf seinen kleinen Piepser: nichts. Vielleicht ist es doch nur zum Guten. Was hätte ich getan? Sollte ich es wirklich zuhause mitbringen? Dort habe ich einen Hamsterkäfig in dem es gelebt haben könnte. Aber wie würde ich ein winziges Küken füttern? Wäre es nicht zu zahm werden? Wie würde ich wissen, wann es freizulassen? Würde ich es jemals freilassen können? Na ja. Es ist jetzt nach Mitternacht. Ich hoffe nur das die klitzekleine Blaumeise zurück im nest schlaft, und träumt vielleicht von eines Tages im großen blauen Himmel zu fliegen...
I WAS CROSSING a quiet road near one of our largest local parks when a tiny blue bird fluttered down from a tree and sat in the middle of the road.I crossed and stood over him. What looked like a baby blue tit stared up at me, chirping indignantly as if to say "and what do you think YOU are doing here??!" Wondering what was wrong with the little bird, who still refused to move, I made a motion to grab it; he fluttered clumsily off a couple of feet away and sat in the gutter cheep-cheeping at the top of his tiny lungs. I thought "you can't stay there in the gutter like that" and made yet another not attempt at grabbing the little birdie, who did a better job at flying this time and found himself on the footpath beside a little wall where drug addicts sit waiting for their dealers (this of course this had nothing to do my being in that vicinity...) Then my phone rang and "a friend" said he was driving down the road right at that moment, so I had to deal with that. I thought to myself, if the tiny tit is still there in a couple of minutes, then I'll take him home with me. He cannot sit on the path like that. He'll get trodden on or killed. Three minutes later he was gone. I looked everywhere for him. He could have strayed under the parked cars where a cat would have made a tasty meal of him... I searched high and low, but could not hear his cheep-cheeping from anywhere. I have no idea where he went, or whether he suddenly learned how to fly. Judging by his cheeps, he was a great tit, not fully fledged, but very spirited. I didn't want to take him home, though I do have a hammy cage he could have gone in... When would I have known to set him free? Would he ever have been able to go free if he'd lived in my house and become hand-tame? Perhaps it's a good thing he vanished...
If you go to my first post yesterday and look under the German, you'll see some wonderful video of baby blue and great tits being hand-fed worms, etc. There's a particularly funny one of a blue tit getting soaking wet in a birdbath...
So why did this happen today? Is it the laws of attraction in action?
Illustrations: top, great tits; bottom, blue tit. Mine looked like a blue tit (very blue), but the chirrups sounded to me like a great tit, so I'm not sure...
I SLEPT FOR NEARLY FOUR HOURS, from late morning into early afternoon slumped in a chair at the back of the public library today. What the staff thought of me, I've no idea. But I wasn't drugged or drunk, so who cares what they thought. I was exhausted. I slept most of yesterday through. And the day before. I had an appointment at the druggieservice which I dragged myself down for. My worker, who is a mental health nurse, noticed the change in me at once. All I could think was: how am I to fill half a gaping hour of blank blank time? The Personality Disorders Specialist has offered me an appointment for assessment. Being as I do not consider myself personality-disordered, especially on "axis C" as Nursey was suggesting (the anxious-avoidant-dependent axis ~ full of snivelling, simpering shy types, burdened by terror of social situations and irrational worries. This is not me.) I thought I would go 1 for a laugh and 2 because I am desperate and it's an untrodden avenue. If I did have some such disorder, I actually have more in common with type A, the schizotypal personality, with their off-the-wall view of things coupled with a linguistic jamboree of trotterdonkey self-coined phrases, pinging like the tiny tits on the trees when they spot tubby roborovski hamsters scurrying near their nests (ahem...) Yeah so anyway... I've got schizophrenia, not. The other personality disorder I could be shoved towards would be the borderline type. Two of my friends had this condition. I say had because one threw himself under a tube train and is now dead... I don't really think I'm borderline at all. The nurse did admit there's "definitely a mood thing going on". I didn't tell her my "not sleeping" had basically involved not bothering to go to bed for days on end, feeling pretty wonderful ~ I had an amazing perspective on life. I was refreshed as a granny smith apple is refreshing to a desert explorer's palate. I didn't want Nursey to assume I might have been "hypomanic", which it is my position that I am not. I am just prone to mood swings that occasionally sweep up high only to plummet me down. And I felt so so down yesterday. People kept asking what was wrong. Today I am avoiding human company and have had excessive hours of sleep so I feel sour on my own. But as you can see I'm chatty enough with my important friends... ha-har! Now, you English speakers, let me probe you with a question: is all this German getting too annoying and should I post it in another blog? I haven't the energy to post exhaustively in German every single day. On the other hand, I do need to practise my language otherwise it'll become as rusty as it was during the 20-year "hiatus" from study. You wouldn't believe the amount of courage it took to rustle up, having said I would like to do a BA degree in translation into and out of German, with French and Dutch on top ~ then to show how flabby my German had actually become it's humiliating. And if it does look impressive, trust me that is the lure of the exotic. If you only can sees how many I much not good grammar make, trust I would you know excellently how much very I not good can do it. See? Now I've got to go. One last PS on the birds: I've yet to mention the SPARROWS who have returned in chirrupsome profusion to my neighbour's bush. There seem to be about twenty of them cheeping endlessly away to some more sparrows across the road (perhaps they are deadly sparrow rivals, having a rapper-style showdown about whose porch roof is theirs~?!) Sparrows had been largely absent from our towns for nearly twenty years. Sparrows and pigeons it always used to be. Pecking about in vast numbers in our parks and squares. The BBC shot an excellent documentary: The Sparrows of St James's (the park behind Downing Street and Parliament). Then they disappeared! O and one last PS regarding my leaving the country. I know Britain has looked after me very patiently for too many years, but Britain is tinged with bad memories now I expended such a lot of time and effort trying to learn German and French and yet I've spent not spent even a month in a pays francophone and I've yet even to set foot on German-speaking soil! (German-speaking soil, die kleine Wurmchen sagen "Guten Tag!" und "Auf wiedersehen!"!) So you see, having been trapped here with an addiction for far too long, the very first thing I wish to do, if I ever CAN break free ~ is to flee!
If you want to see some good birdie-videos have a look at my tiny tits, the cutest of all British birds, posted earlier today in German (English translation below)... and these:
BTW, the quotation, by the Swiss writer Alfred Polgar, across those other tiny tits says: "I command the German language, but she doesn't always obey..."
VIDEO 1 HERE'S some chirpybirds, rather than songbirs: SPARROWS!
VIDEO 2 ON WITH THE SONGBIRDS THEME ~ HUMAN SONGBIRDS... ... this Jewish girl, I think, has one of the best voices ever recorded. I mean, can you think of anybody at all whose vocal timbre sounds "like Barbra Streisand"..? This performance of Evergreen from the 1976 remake ofA Star is Born (Chris Kristofferson adding minimal harmonies) was shot in one take and it's one of the best vocal performances of any Hollywood film from any time:
Her sister, Roslyn Kind, has a deeper (some might say richer) version of the same voice. I posted her up on Sunday, but I don't think anyone heard her ...
GESTERN war ich so erschöpft, ich schlief pracktisch den ganzen Tag lang, und wachte um 04:00 Uhr. Chogga die Nachtigall könnte ich nicht hören, weil der morgendliche Gesang der Gartenvogel noch angefangen hatte. Dies nennen wir hier the dawn chorus ~ der Chorgesang der Dämmerung. Er ist eine der spektakulärsten Phänomene der Natur. Abgesehen von der Singvogel, meine Lieblingsvogel sind die Meisen, besonders die Blaumeise und die Kohlmeise. Sie sind die minute federartige Akrobaten des Gartens, die behaglich am Fütterhäuschen umgedreht speisen. Als ich diesen Fakt auf meinem Blog anmelde, kann ich nie sicher sein, dass meine amerikanische Leser glauben, dass ich scherze nicht. Die Blaumeise ist nur ein Nord- und Zentraleuropäischer Vogel; das Habitat der Kohlmeise weitet süd und ost nach Indien und genau Japan. Aber in Nordamerika sind diese Vogel unbekannt. Also wenn ich ihnen mit ihren richtigen Namen nenne, the blue tit und the great tit ~ dann verstehen meine Amerikanische Freunden, dass ich etwas über Frauenbrüste spreche: die blaue Titte und die Großtitte. Kein Wunder lachen sie so!
ACHTUNG! GRAMMATISCHE KRISE! Bitte helft mir! Welcher ist korrekt?/ Das erste? Die zweite? Oder etwas anders? Wie sage ich:
Sie sind die minute federartige Akrobaten des Gartens, die behaglich am Fütterhäuschen umgedreht speisen. Sie sind die minute federartige Akrobaten des Gartens, die behaglich auf dem Kopf stehend am Fütterhäuschen speisen.
Als ich diesen Fakt auf meinem Blog anmelde, kann ich nie sicher sein, dass meine amerikanische Leser glauben nicht, dass ich scherze. Als ich diesen Fakt auf meinem Blog anmelde, kann ich nie sicher sein, dass meine amerikanische Leser glauben, dass ich scherze nicht. Als ich diesen Fakt auf meinem Blog anmelde, kannich nie sicher sine, dass meine amerikanische Leser nicht, dass ich scherze glauben... ... oder was?! Ich bin ganz verloren!
Blaumeise füttert ihre Babys Bluetit feeds chicks:
Minute Kohlmeise sitzt auf dem Hand, isst und zirpt laut! Tiny great tit sits on hand, eats and cheeps loudly:
Blaumeise, Kohlmeise, Sperling und Eichelhäher Blue tits, great tits, sparrows and European (not blue) jay Unlike the American blue jay, the European jay is rare and shy ~ it is considered a blessing to see one
Befreite Blaumeise isst Wurmchen in menschlichem Haus Rescued blue tit eats little worms in humans' house:
Blaumeise spielt Propeller im Vogelbad Blue tit goes for a splash in birdie-bath:
RATHER than do the translating myself, here for the English-speaking majority is some special entertainment performed by Google:
Why the Americans laugh at my favorite bird YESTERDAY, I was so exhausted, I slept practical at all day long, and woke up at 04:00 clock. Chogga I could hear the nightingale, not because the morning song of the bird garden had begun. We call this the dawn chorus singing the chorus ~ dusk. He is one of the most spectacular phenomena of nature. Apart from the singing bird, my favorite bird, the titmouse, especially the blue tit and great tit. They are the spring-minute acrobats of the garden, feed the comfortable Fütterhäuschen turned on. As I sign this fact on my blog, I can never be sure that my American readers do not think I'm joking. The blue tit is only one North and Central European bird, the habitat of the great tit is expanding south and east to India and Japan carefully. But in North America, this bird are unknown. So if I call them by their real names, the blue tit and the great tit ~ then understand my American friends that I talk about women's breasts, the blue tit and the Großtitte. No wonder they laugh like that! Bilder: deutscher Text: Blaumeise; englischer Text oben: Kohlmeise; unten Blaumeise Illustrations: German text: blue tit; English text top: great tit, bottom blue tit
THIS is one of the birds I hear singing right outside my window. It perches one tree along from Flapper and Chogstable's cherry tree, chirruping like crazy most of the day:
Dieser Vogel singt direk bei meinem Fenster. Er sitzt oben im Baum daneben dem Kirschenbaum von Flapper und Chogga. Meiste Zeit des Tages, zwitschert er wie verrückt!
VIDEO: with amazingly clear picture. I like the bit with the caterpillar best... VIDEO: das Bild ist erstaunlich klar. Der Moment mit der Raupe gefällt mir am Besten...
Heute schlief ich fast den ganzen Tag lang. Ich wachte nach 16.00 Uhr.
Zuerst musste ich zur Apotheke, um mein Methadon abzuholen.
Dann ging ich in den Supermarkt, und kaufte eine Pizza. Sie war sehr frisch und nett.
Am Bahnhof, hörte ich das Zirpen noch einanderer Nachtigall!
Sie klang genau wie eine Spieldose.
Flapper saß noch auf der Fernsehantenne des Nachbars.
Ich denke, sie liebt das Digitalfernsehen über alles. Das hat ihr so vielen Luxus-Barsche gegeben!
I slept nearly all day today, waking up after four in the afternoon. First I had to go to the chemist's to pick up my methadone. Then I went in the supermarket and bought a pizza. It was really fresh and nice. At the railway station I heard yet another nightingale chirping! It sounded just like a music-box. Flapper was still on the neighbours' TV aerial. I think he loves digital television more than anything. It has given him so many luxury new perches!
I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!
METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH
Heroin Shortage: News
If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.
Christiane F
"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools.
Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross...
Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way.CHRISTIANE F:
TRAILER
You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.
To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...
DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today? If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!
Drugs Videos
Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.
If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.
Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"
In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"
Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).
Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"
Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.
Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).
Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...
And lastly:
German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!
Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?
Here's the 4-methylmethcathinone molecule. This is the "cocaine plus ecstasy"-style "legal high" I took that time and didn't even know what it was... After a brief but intense craze for meow, it was eventually banned in the UK in April 2010
If you wanna see what manic looks like, watch this. If this is the mood she stayed in all day she'd be moderately manic (severely manic is literally all over the place verging into complete incoherence)... I have been known to yell the same stuff over and over, which is why I like this:
Ferry Corsten remix. William Orbit performance. Samuel Barber's Adagio
DJ Seduction: Starlight August 1992
I love this style of music and WHY do kidz today call it OLD SCHOOL? MAKE ME FEEL ANCIENT WHY DONCHA! I really like that ting-ting-tong tune that comes into it about 3 mins in "release the spirit" yeah....! Respect goin' out LizzyD Yeah ;-)
Angelina Joelie: Crazy Chic
Girl Interrupted: best scenes
Mozart's Requiem Tranced Up
I like danced-up tunes now that I'm "OLD". Like this one... The actual name of the tune is "lacrimosa" which means sad. Which is weird it actually sounds uplifting. but there ya go:~~~~~~~~
Click herefor the Drought Post, news is in the comments.
Because there's more than 200 comments, look closely at the bottom of the form for for "Newer/Newest" - THAT is where you click to find most recent comments.
PETITION THE GOVT FOR PROPER PRESCRIBING TO ADDICTS: CLICK HERE
Good times
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As school has broken up Elder Son and GrandSon1 came into Zac's yesterday
to help with the food distribution so I swapped with Bryan so he was in the
kit...
FRIDAY's FAVE FIVE
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Unfortunately, I'm still suffering from this damp weather, I only feel good
when I'm sitting and not doing any physical moves.
Fortunately, we started t...
A FAVOURITE FOOD FOR A FAVOURITE SAINT
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Our *estate di San Martino* (Saint Martin's summer) has been well and truly
over since Sunday and I sit here writing this on a cold, rainy afternoon. A
pro...
Blogging Break
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I'm taking a break from blogging, for two major reasons :a. I find it
hard to concentrate on chosen topics, while there's war and tragedy going
on in m...
Tragic In So Many Ways
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This morning on my Facebook feed a news story popped up about a robbery and
outcome in Camdenton MO. This is the area where we own a lake home so I try
to ...
Dying Independently.....
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I just finished working with a woman for the past 6 weeks, who was dying
from a vicious form of cancer.
I live in a small town, so sometimes I get a cal...
Just a Thought for the HBO Execs
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I want to rename Game of Thrones, “Two Crazy-Assed Bitches.” Mail me my
check, motherfuckers! Actually three crazy-assed bitches if you count
Sansa. The me...
Souls of the Goldhawk Road
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It was one of those tawdry summer evenings and all I could think about was
the heat. It was everywhere, stuffy and humid and crucifying even at that
late...
Yeah
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No, I am not returning, just updating out of boredom. Plus writing on my
phone sucks, so it won't be a long post.
Yep my book sucks, makes close to no mon...
The (complete) rainbowrain
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Today is the last time I'll post blog-photos from my work as tomorrow, the
last day of this blog is a Saturday. So you can enjoy this view one more
time ...
Twelve Months
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I can't believe it's almost 12 months since I posted anything on my blog!
I confess I've been spending a lot of time on Facebook - I know you think
I'm a t...
Graphic Wisdom to Begin 2016
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*By three methods we may learn wisdom: *
*First, by reflection, which is noblest; *
*Second, by imitation, which is easiest; *
*and third by experience, wh...
Obat Herbal Stroke Berat dan Ringan
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*Obat Herbal Stroke* - Penyakit ini terjadi karena peredaran darah didalam
organ otak mengalami penyumbatan atau gangguan. Penyakit Stroke ini adalah
adany...
Iboga- A Magic Bullet?
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Thoughts and random musings
I get the feeling, that this blog and therefore, my own thoughts and
behaviours are, to the average reader, quite controversi...
The People You Meet
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Not saying this is a come back of any type, but after farewelling my
darling friend Jeffrey today, I felt the overwhelming need to blog. Met a
weird Japan...
Despair and Dissolution
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I haven't written partly because I was confused by the new setup. Took me
ages just to get to my blog. Frustration.
Everyone can say "I told you so". Hate...
A long time coming....
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I cannot believe I have neglected this blog for so long.
Just to let you know I will be uploading a post in the next couple of days.
Things are good.
My hea...
Gone but never forgotten
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Hello everyone....
Saturday the 24th May would of been Merle's 80th birthday...
Unfortunately she is gone, but never forgotten...
I just thought I would...
Everything in it's place
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Yum.That people are reading this in Israel and Indonesia, as well as so
many other places around the world that I never would've expected is pretty
fuckin...
How to Negotiate With Used Cars Dealers
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Car traders have excellent discussing abilities. They know how to deal with
their clients with their methods and methods to make sure that they shop.
Amazi...
starry starry night…
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Ho Ho Ho! Hope everyone had a merry fucking Christmas and will enjoy a
drunken orgy of pleasure on New Years Eve. I had a nice Christmas Day with
Melinda(a...
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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.....I think the time has come to acknowledge that I'm not actually
blogging any more.....
PLUS
I'm off on Sunday for a Big Adventure Down Under, with L...
Drug Law Reform - NZ Show Australia How it's Done
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It seems that our New Zealand cousins are finally taking some much needed
action on drug law reform. Australia should take note of this and consider
caref...
Daze of Summer
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Her mentor is one of the most gentle people on the planet. He catches flies
in his hands and sets them free outside his studio, and he flicks
mosquitoes a...
Musings
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A week has passed since my last post and it's been a week of contrasts.
Right smack bang in the middle of week, Wednesday, was Australia Day, a
public holi...
Who buys CRACK without Brown ?
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See these F.cking dealers up here they cant get the brown sold cause its
shite so lots of people are just buying Whisky and im thinking to myself No
For Me...
-
Would you trust someone who was never sure if they loved you?
I want to be held (or posses a large amount of drugs)
I want to be skinny and pretty
I want...
The Neighbour's Gun
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I remember those lazy summer nights. In my light, light dress, I would open
the window and gaze at the moon in the night. I would look and almost feel
th...
THIS is classic slice-of-life video; filmed from a sushibar conveyor belt in Japan. You don't need sound for this one (unless you speak Japanese...)
Never Mind The Balearics...
LOST WEEKENDS... Lost weeks... Lost lives...
THE SPANISH ISLE of Ibiza is the "spiritual home" of much British dance music...
Eva Cassidy: Autumn Leaves
I wonder if Autumn is as miserable your end as it is here..? This song wonderfully reinterpreted by Eva Cassidy (I think) brought tears to my eyes when I first heard it. See what you think ...
Christiane F
Christiane F
("Wir Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo")
Berlin has long been a centre of "alternative" living, attracting the artistic and dejected. And of course heroin rushes into such a void:
You can see the film in its entirety by clicking HERE.
These are my 3 roborovski hamsters!
(And now there is one...) Itchy, Bashful and Spherical... Itchy, the scruffy, dopey (and tamest one) died a few weeks ago. I was very ****** off (no swearing on this blog (or I'd be effing and blinding all the time...)). Spherical and Bashful were the remaining "Trotters" aka Hamsta MCs, Carrot Nose and Trotter Donkey ... until Trotterdonkey died and now poor Spherical Carrot Nose remains alone ...
What name should I give to my fictional slavering English mastiff hellhound..??
Name the Uncooth Doggie...
NOW I'M PUTTING UP A NEW POLL...My forthcoming fiction shall feature a giant, ill-tempered slavering hellhound of an English Mastiff who spends her time savaging pram wheels, dolls, etc; pulling soft toys apart... growling at houseguests, baying at the light fittings etc etc. She has a total personality change, however, when she gets "raped" down the park by a local rottweiler... leading to a howling, baying, snaggle-toothed litter of puppies!Anyway, which of these three names do you think fits best?(In alphabetical order)GwendolinaPansyTinkerbelle???Vote now ...!!
London Time
GMT (aka "Universal Standard Time"):
ahead of the Americas; behind everywhere else...
Trisch & Jen on the phone
Real life spooky phone call. Trisch Li is speaking to her friend Jen, who has a stalker sneaking round the side of her house. I Love the film exposure. I love the funky background. And I love Trisch. She had bipolar. She died. She left some amazing stuff behind ...You can see Trisch manic here.
Moby: Go
Anyone who was a Twin Peaks fan will know this tune: the in-sequence floaty tune played in-episode (not the theme tune) that made that tellyprog so dreamy.
This tune is something else:~~~~~~~
Future Sound of London: Papua New Guinea
THIS tune is transcendently beautiful.
Thank you to Lizzy who reminded me:~~~~~~~
The Orb: Little Fluffy Clouds (Danny Tengalia)
Archetypal triphead/herb-tokers' tune ...
Urban Shakedown: Some Justice
One of my all time favourite "hardcore" rave tunes. The "woman" singing "we live as one family" is actually a man speeded up. The primal line "Now eeeee-yeah-oh-eeeee-yeah we live as one family," sounded to me like the sun rising at psychedelic dawn. For a long time there was forever a part of me left from this 1991-1992 era, still out there, tripping in a certain corn-on-the-cob field at dawn...
Praga Khan: Injected with a Poison
Sums up what my attitude used to be and is once again to gear. That because, "There's a rainbow inside your mind ... Injected with a poison.... we don't need that any more."
Scott McKenzie: San Francisco
I really used to believe all this crap with all my heart. Peace and love and chemical dreams. If you've ever tripped out high upon higher and sublime upon sublime there is no way of bringing the beauty of the experience back with you... I once had a friend down who brought some cocaine. I did some lines and was soon stuck to the ceiling. I had tickets for a rave in south London. He was too wasted to go. So I had to negotiate an hour and a half nightbus ride all the way down. By Trafalgar Square I was eeing out on 2 pills as well and my eyes such massive discs I couldn't read the bus time tables and had to tell passers-by I'd "forgotten my reading glasses" (how embarrassing)... then I arrived around 3pm. DUR! Not pm (wasn't THAT late 3AM): though these pills didn't wear off till well after 11am which made them superstrong... anyhow... Security let me straight in I'd obviously taken all my drugs (indeed I had: felt like I was flying by this point)... first person I encountered was a middle-aged woman in a ball gown swaying back and forth in the foyer (Brixton Academy: a venue for 5000) I told her: "you are so cool". We subsequently made friends. Watching this video and seeing how stuck in the neverending moment of bliss some "flower kids" are I remember this lady having to tell me: "there's the party. Then the party's over. You have to accept that." But I never could. I wanted happiness to last for ever...
SCOTT MACKENZIE HAS GONE (copyright reasons)
HERE'S JOE BELTRAM 1990 ENERGY FLASH
Who is the superior writer? (From... in no particular order...)
Itchy's "Windy" Face
Not because she has the "farts" but because she "runs like the wind on a windy day" this is Itchy's look when she is nervous...
Bashful and Spherical look like this
(Itchy is a bit smaller)
Bashful's Lookie-Lykie
Hello you Tiny Tubby! Roborovskis are the tiniest of all hamsters, being a mere 5cm/2" fully grown... "Bashful" is pulling a bit of a grumpy face here; but hey!
Should my daily videos stay giant on the top or go mini on my sidebar? (You can only vote once.)
Doggie or Kittie?
You Are: 50% Dog, 50% Cat
You are a nice blend of cat and dog.
You're playful but not too needy. And you're friendly but careful.
And while you have your moody moments, you're too happy to stay upset for long.
38 year-old guy, 6 blogs (the main one is gledwood vol 2 so go there for new postings: blogs are linked via my sidebars), I also have 3 video blogs. One mainly music vids, the other random "novelty" clips from Youtube/etc. The third is my Fabulous Celebrity Blog for fans of trash culture. Unfortunately addicted to drugs - yes it was my own fault but what can I do about it now? Addicted means trapped & can't stop. That's how addicted I am. But that's not ALL I blog about. Apart from drugs I love drink. Apart from drink I'm into little furry animals like Pingpong, my Chinese hamster, and my 3 roborovski hamsters: Itchy, Bashful and Spherical... and ... er, food. Lately there has been a drought of the substance that enslaved me for so long. Will I clean up? Only time will tell...
Fun, comforting, and friendly.
You are a true classic, and while you're not super cutting edge, you're high quality.
People love your company - and have even been known to get addicted to you.