I HAD DRUGS ON THE BRAIN this morning. Specifically heroin (of course). For several hours my thoughts and actions centred on nothing else except using a teeny tiny residue I had left ~ and rushing out for more. This involved the biggest flap-about. I would gladly have changed places with Flapper the pigeon to have got down da area more quickly than I did. Because I got to what I thought was the right place, only for da man to inform me he had no wheels and could I come right down to him. Which, being already half way there I did. I took the bus fare out of the scoring money (too right!) Went on a massive excursion.
Half an hour later I was there. I had to wait in a park with suspicious mothers throwing sticks at dogs. And workmen (for some reason) poking at holes in the tarmac. Then a random black man floats past. I had to double-take as I've only ever seen him in the front seat of a car before. People look different in plain air. Through the railings £14 exchanged hands for a third of a gram of B. He says they're half grams, but I think they're 0.4s or thirds. With this in hand I went skipping merrily away. A tubby black woman gave me a queer look from her front step.
On the corner of the bus-stop I found a side entrance to a huge local park which I power-walked through to the scrub at the back. Here I could have done my hit, but it didn't feel private enough. About three or four years ago I found myself in the company of two mentally ill junkies ~ one was an American girl. Americans in London are not that common (apart from rich international financier types). American addicts are even rarer. On that day we ended up in a huge bush needlepoking all together. I was determined to find this bush.
Crossing over a bridge at the back I found myself in a leafy walkland. I'm sure I was in the right area. Families with grandchildren rambling far too slowly. Well I couldn't exactly say would you hurry up and go away I have a bag of heroin I wish to bang up in these bushes? could I? Lacking the patience to go any further I delved into the first huge bush I saw. It was like a tardis-bush. It went on and on with miniature paths, trodden, so it appeared, by tiny Norwich terriers on dandelion-sniffing rambles.
Eventually I stumbled upon (and nearly down) a sharp drop with piles and piles of piss-stained newspapers, used drug works, cooking spoons (not the sort you eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream with, these are for drugs), and old pipes and packets and sachets of citric acid everywhere. In a corner was a seething fly-ridden splat of dripping diarrhoea. The whole place stank and looking up I saw some industrial window glaring emptily down on me. I shifted a yard to the left and the window was obscured by blackberry bushes.
Preparing the hit was stressful. Voices from the nearby pathway rang out disconcertingly near. I cooked up one hit. Looked yellow and weak. I shoved half as much powder again in the spoon. Now it looked dark brown. This dealer sells strange gear that looks the colour of beach sand, yet goes very dark when prepared. I'm not sure why. Once I'd done the hit I carefully sealed up the gear with a cellophane bag purloined from a nearby greengrocer's just for this purpose. Then I bared my bloodstained, gnarled trackmarked leg, slotted the works straight in and remarkably had the vein at once. In the hazy poppy-juice disappeared.
I held my leg up in the air to let it flush down. If I don't do this, my circulation is so bad there's a good chance the hit will sink to my foot and go nowhere fast, so I have to use gravity rather than my own heartbeats to pour the juice to my heart.
Then I felt OK. And I could face the day.
It was nearly two o'clock. I had been up for seven hours.
All glitz
-
Our new washing-machine was arriving this morning. I was still in my
dressing-gown when I saw a truck pull into our road.
"This could be our machine," I ...
17 hours ago
12 comments:
Jesus it sounds like an awful lot of work....
Thank god I am too lazy for heroin.
wowza
I don't know what to say Gleds,
... stay out of the bushes, and please get some help*!*
That's so graphic. I'm with Reeny - way too lazy.
If this is what heroin makes you do - I can't help but think you need a lot of help and supervision to quit - going it alone would be overwhelming. I couldn't trust me.
And from the trash in the bush - it looks like there's a lot more people needing a lot of help too.
I can't be nice about this Gleds - it makes me feel sick it's so sordid. :(
I'm sorry to read that mate. Could you not have waited until you were home? I'm glad you were able to face your day though, I hope it was OK. Take care!
If you want to go to paradise for a moment then please choose a better place ! A beautiful park (Kensington)with flowers around, nice banks, clean dogs, nannies with cute babies and clean bushes without dog shit where you can quietly send yourself to heaven. Then sit down and dream until it's over, take the bus and return to your daily life. If you call this a life. BTW I don't like neither Lindenstrasse nor the other soap, I think it's too kitsch !
ReenyElaine: hmmmm. Carry on being too lazy. That's my best advice!!!!
Swedes: aye-za
Bimbimbie: what help? I can't help myself. I can't. I've tried and I can't
Jeannie: there is no help. They always say you have got to help yourself, but I cannot help myself. I am too unreliable. I do not trust myself. If it is down to me I will carry on till the bitter end because there's no way out. The only way I've been able to live is in this stupid compromise with methadone basically plugging gaps between using. And I'm not costing the taxpayer undue pennies by robbing their cars/houses/shops so I'm not a high risk person. Unless they can stop shillyshallying around and prescribe something decent that takes cravings away ~ because methadone most certainly does NOT ~ I can't see any other way except going on as I am now, which is highly unsatistfactory. Or quitting altogether. I need something to quit TO... somehwere to go. There is nowhere to go. And I cannot rely on myself. If it is down to me, nothing will ever go right
Akelamalu: I know; I did feel a bit odd after posting it. But it's not a particularly unusual day. My blog got swayed by furry animals for far too long and I've realized I ought to be documenting life as I actually live it, while I'm here TO document and still doing it. Because I'm either going to die or clean up and if I've not written down these memories they will just go and I won't be able to tell anyone what it was really like..
Vince: I couldn't wait to go home as I had to go somewhere else after that... didn't get home till after five
Gattina: I didn't really go to paradise; just to tolerability... there is a beautiful gardens... I think they are the Royal Gardens, somewhere behind the Royal Palace in Rabat... nearest place to paradise on earth (seriously) that I have ever been. It was amazing... if you're still out there it's well worth a visit
you're right Kensington Gdns is v pretty.... also Regents Park...
I'm afraid I'm getting addicted to Lindenstrasse in particular ~~ all in the name of learning to speak German!!
I'm sorry Gleds. I hate to read stuff like this. You're a decent fellow. It just plain sucks to read what you are doing to yourself.
I know, it is all down to me isn't it? And I can't do it. I cannot rely on myself, can't trust myself can't do it.
I hate saying "can't do"s but at the moment that is the truth of the matter
I think I'm better taking my current stance and hoping I might somehow change in times future; then there might be some hope. But just left down to me as I am now ~ I cannot do it. I don't want it enough enough enough
sad, i know. too sad...
Awesome post, Gleds :)
gledwood dont get down on yourself i have battled addiction and won small battles but never the war and that is why i was out today too scoring the trash that passes for H at the moment.I swore yesterday i wouldnt waste any more money. When today came i just could not face that awful creeping sickness or the terrible brightness that is sobriety.just have to tell myself i will be ready to fight again another day.good luck keep up the blog only good thing about drought.
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