Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog)

HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Between a Hard Place and Another Rock ...

I FEEL THIS BLOG OF MINE IS COMING to a crossroads. Or, to put it more strongly; I feel this blog is going nowhere.

When I started blogging (my old blog) I stuck to simple terms of reference. The blog was my "drug confessions of a heroin addict". Reading the blog was to give an insight into my world. I was writing primarily for nonaddicts. There are a whole bunch of addicts and addicts in recovery on Junkylife.com. I don't feel that I belong in their group, that's all I can say.

Recently I feel my blog has deteriorated from something that, however odious it might have been from some viewpoints, did at least HAVE a point. Now it's degenerating into a kind of personal notebook of passing views and opinions online. That was never what my site was meant to be.

Does anyone have any feedback on this? I don't know where to go on, whether I HAVE gone wrong ... whatever. If anyone has any (useful) views, I promise that if you give them, I will make use of them.

Gleds
Posted by at
Labels:

9 comments:

RUTH said...

Maybe you should rename this one "Diary of" and start another 2; one for YOUR BOOK and one for YOUR POETRY!!!!

3 April 2007 at 13:06
Joni said...

I like your blog and hope you don't change it. I enjoy getting inside your head. You have a way with words and a view of the world that is worth reading. I thought the whole point of blogging was to show other readers what your world is like. Sometimes our worlds are dull and sometimes very entertaining. That is life!

3 April 2007 at 15:21
Anonymous said...

I second ruth.

I had to create a second blog and a second email address to seperate my personal life, from what I wanted to share with the world.

Truth is good, but knowing how and when to share it with people is the tricky part of life.

You'll find the right angle.

3 April 2007 at 16:59
rowan said...

I'm not sure. I feel the same way about writing right now because of the wavy withdrawals. I look at my own writing and can see why nobody comments now: the ideas are strung out like little christmas bulbs without any refinement. Maybe patience.. or maybe being stricter on what you include in your blog?

3 April 2007 at 23:25
Deb said...

I think your blog is great because it has a bit of everything really. From spiders to recipes to feelings, etc.

I think we all suffer a bit of a mid blog crisis at a certain point...I know I'm questioning things right now. But just keep going because we're here and that says something!

4 April 2007 at 04:30
Nicole said...

I like the blog as is. A mixed bag of lollies.

4 April 2007 at 13:45
S said...

I haven't posted in awile, but I also enjoy reading it as is. The blog is interesting because it evolves with you. Don't change a thing! :)

4 April 2007 at 22:45
Edyta said...

Gled,
I really found this blog... different. Thats why i loved it. Also, I agree with Ruth. You are here to entertain yourself & get positive energy from blogging. I certainly hope you do :)

5 April 2007 at 11:59
Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Man, I tagged you with an award as athinking blog. I appreciate your sharing on addiction and your struggles. I enjoy your posts on culture,tv and others and I find your take on life interesting. In summary, you are an interesting person and we are rooting for you and your blog is great.

5 April 2007 at 18:11

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood