HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Cry Baby

MY MOTHER MADE ME CRY last night: what is new? She asked me did I want to meet up today? It's all right if I can't... Of course I wanted to, but I had to say no. I was totally ill-prepared. Didn't even know if I had an entire outfit of presentable (& more to the point clean clothes. And I was totally unshaven. Only a few days ago I bought a new plug for our bath. Because someone has broken/taken/eaten the old one. And now people are reduced to stuffing up the plughole with toilet paper and not bothering to remove the pink flecks from all over the bath afterwards. So I had to say no, knowing really I longed to say yes, because I knew that if I hadn't, something would go wrong. Something would not be ready. And like the time I went to see her not having bothered to shave, I would get moved on by the railway station police for "loitering" ...

Big boo-hoo about that ...

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think it's important if your mom is reaching out to see you for you to follow through.
She's probably less interested in the clothes you'll be wearing than she is in seeing you.
tc

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

What TC said. Man, I really believe that's true. Keep well. Next time just say yes and have a good visit with your mom.

Anonymous said...

Look, you git. I understand your predicament of the clothes thing and all that, but Mum wants to see YOU however bad you think that you look. I understand that you have your own pride, much as myself. But I have my own pride insomuch that I know that I am ill and I cannot fit in to my own personal vision of what I should look like. I look like a tramp. But that is how my condition makes me. I don't have the luxury of being able to choose which shirts to wear as most days I don't have the energy to bother what I look like. Most days I have to look myself in the mirror and think " shall I have the energy to shave or what" and most times I say "what the hell".

Modes and fashion escape me. I tend to go with the "Farmer" look. (dirt an' all)

My mother still embraces me like her baby of three months... it makes me cry. I know you have your pride but you are still and always will be your mum's baby... don't make her miss out out on that beautful moment of letting her give you a hug just because you are too proud to let you see her as you are. You are a beautiful git no matter what.

Don't listen to the demons. Fuck them and all that sail in them. We love you.

Ron the Knee. XXXX

Deb said...

these bright people all have it covered...your mom probably doesn't care about the presentation at all.

slaghammer said...

Several years ago, I let a friend change her baby’s diaper in my bathroom and later in the evening discovered she had dumped a full load of her little one’s shit in my bathtub. She was kind enough to leave my plug unmolested though. Enough with the crap stories, I recommend you give your mother the opportunity to do what mothers do. You risk throwing the order of the universe into disarray otherwise.

Gledwood said...

Thank you everyone; those are really thoughtful comments.

Unfortunately it's too late (I pretty much had to make my mind up on the phone) ... I will see her but after three weeks. It would have been nice to have done it earlier though.

As for the clothes, I take your point-s however I don't want to push it by looking too much like a vagrant. She likes to think I'm doing better than I was when she paid a surprise visit about 2 years ago to Mother Hubbard's house at Xmas and found me there looking bedraggled, asked Mother H What is wrong with my son?? And Mother H told her I was "on methadone" ... also it's a marriage thing: her husband (my stepfather) believes I'm a useless junkie so I have to prove in as many little ways as I can that I am NOT ...

Anonymous said...

thanks for going into a bit more detail.
I can understand your hesitency.
I'll be back tomorrow to read your new posts, I'm running late.
tc

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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