Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog)

HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Shouting's Over

YESTERDAY NIGHT I seemed to be shouting comments all over the place. I'm sorry if I seemed a little loud. I certainly wasn't drunk. (I drank 2 cans!!) I got really excited about some wild terrapins in Vancouver (check down the pictures; you'll see 'em ...) -... and a few other things ... Having done all my shouting I spent today in retirement. I really have to go out and get those antidepressants/ or just go out and do something. Each morning when I wake I run through what I've procrastinated, run through the mimimum I can get away with doing. And make a compromise based on doing as little of the second as my conscience will allow ...

No news for now. I've decided to tell the story of my boo-hoo childhood. That can be my self-justifying excuse for my present junkiehood. (Well, it will be in the eyes of people like Pat-Rick.) Otherwise, for me and for you ... grown up people, it will be background info and not an excuse. I don't believe in using the past as an excuse.

But still I want to tell it ...

***

Read these two blogs for the story of crystal (methamphetamine) madness to sanity and eventual recovery ...

1. - Crystal Clean Persuasion (http://crystalcleanpersuasion.blogspot.com)
2. - Methed Up (http://methedup.net/)

***

PS The difference between butterflies and moths in a nutshell?
It's not just that butterflies are more colourful and tend to come out by day. This is is unequivocally:
Butterflies rest with wings closed together together. Moths rest with wings open (like a pinned down butterfly specimen)... And that's it.
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12 comments:

Nicole said...

You don't need an excuse for anything, it's all a journey.

24 April 2007 at 20:06
Texaco said...

Ditto Nicole.

Thanks for the link to my other blog Methed Up Glad you enjoyed it.

I'm much less serious at The Random Journal

Ciao!

24 April 2007 at 20:45
Women on the Verge said...

gleds

another difference between moths and butterflies is seen in their antennae... check out ruths blog... i explained it there.

E

25 April 2007 at 01:12
Women on the Verge said...

and gleds... i can't remember if i've already done this, but THANK YOU for finding me to tell me about Mick's passing...

gratefully,
E

25 April 2007 at 01:15
pinky said...

well it was a surprise to found you.
yours seems a very intense blog, i am gona read it slowly.
as for the past, well it isn´t really an excuse for anything, but explains a lot of things, however don´t forget to live the present the best you can and let the past be by gones.
kiss kiss

25 April 2007 at 01:47
Priya said...

Interesting read.

25 April 2007 at 14:12
Gledwood said...

Thanks Priya. You online right now!!?!!

25 April 2007 at 14:12
Gledwood said...

Re my uncomfortable childhood (it's not THAT much of a story anyhow; I'm no Dave Pelzer II) ... I sat down with pen & notebook last night to tell all ... and all the sands of time suddenly piled up on me, like a huge chore. I will tell it all, when I'm in the mood ... it will not be a chore ...

& I shall ensure the mood hits me within the next 7 days !!

25 April 2007 at 14:24
Gledwood said...

WotV: thank you!: I'm going to Ruth's blog now ...

25 April 2007 at 14:25
Anonymous said...

Having experienced a sketchy childhood myself, I suggest you write about it when you can. It can be a wrenching experience. Take care.

25 April 2007 at 19:28
Priya said...

Why??

26 April 2007 at 14:10
Anonymous said...

Priya-::-why are you "online right now"--?? Check the times: I was banging in comments (here) just as you were ..!!

26 April 2007 at 20:58

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood