Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog)

HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 30, 2007

Thelma & Louise

Thelma and Louise
(Click for the final shooting script...)

THIS IS ONE of the handful of films I wish I'd seen at the time of its release ... In yesterday's post I suppose I was almost apologetically blathering "I didn't realize it was such a chickflick" ... In fact, it wasn't that chick at all. They deliberately hammed up the car chase/shooting guns/etc aspects to incorporate a male cinema-going action-picture aspect -- of that I am sure ...

Two women discover their inner resourcefulness when their days are numbered and time's running out ...

And as for the "human lemmings" ending:: those girls after my own heart. That is exactly what I would have done. If I was wanted by American police I would make sure I came in dead, not alive...

(What's the point of living to "fry another day" on the infamous death-row "chair" ...?)

***

Ladies! Thinking of going on a (non-lawbreaking) vacation? Looking for a female travel companion. Try the Thelma & Louise Club!!

***

Ivy: in partial answer to your question:--
When I'm depressed I lie in bed all day (sleeping) to avoid people. Then I'm awake by myself all night. That is an excellent way of keeping the world a good barge-pole's length away ...

***

Snowballs!

And

A Personal Message from Dame Edna
(It's a cracker!!)
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12 comments:

daubmir said...

But apropos of books, rather, I must advise you to read THE RAW SHARK TEXTS by Derbyshire's young author Steven Hall: better than a snort, I assure you!
Anyway, glad Gled can speak some Franglais! Thanks for the message, mon ami...I haven't forgotten you - not at all.
~K

30 April 2007 at 22:16
Gledwood said...

Ivy you said, re my "glad it's the end of the world" remark ...

"Jesus Gled. You are glad the end is nigh??? This is making me re-think our relationship, honey buns. Just fucking kidding me.. you. I dont know.

As to the rest, at least you are honest. Is this bed-rest thing depression or are you easily spun out of the depression?"

What do mean by the last para: am I easily spun OUT of being depressed or easily spun INTO it? Or both? I don't geddit ...

When I'm depressed I lie in bed all day (sleeping) to avoid people. Then I'm awake by myself all night. That is an excellent way of avoiding the world ...

30 April 2007 at 22:33
rowan said...

100 per week isnt even a habit. That's what I would take if I were an infant!!!

1 May 2007 at 00:05
rowan said...

I just mean, if X (imagine this is a math equation) lied in bed all day. I would imagine that the next day would be harder and harder to not lie in bed all day again, that the more time you spend feeling that bad, the harder it is to feel any better at all. So I am amazed at people who can do what X does for one day and then suddenly snap out of it and be fine the next day.

1 May 2007 at 00:07
rowan said...

It's bad that you are depressed, but good (hopefully) that if it doesnt last long.

1 May 2007 at 00:07
rowan said...

Yes, nighttime awake can be a very productive time.

1 May 2007 at 00:08
rowan said...

Ive watched thelma and louise.. good movie. What was it that you were exclaiming about it though. Sometimes I think prison would be fun in some aspects.. The communal living thing, and the structure thing, and the not having to worry about the complexity of life taken care for you in some ways. The quality of the people around me though.. that I would not like.

1 May 2007 at 00:10
Gledwood said...

Trust me: mental homes are much more fun than prison. You can go get a glass of water at 3am. You have tea at 7am. You can walk in and out of the smoking room at will. Prison = 23 hr bang-up in a lot of places here.

Charles the schizophrenic was sectioned to hospital for 2 years straight a few years ago. One of his friends in there said it was worse being in hospital than being in prison.

If I ever end up inside I will make sure I get the bottom bunk (to thwart stray drips) & cut my wrists and use the bedclothes to soak up the blood. So next morning they find me and I've already gone home

1 May 2007 at 01:02
Gledwood said...

Seriously, hospital may be boring, but all those features/arguable advantages like having your hole life taken care of for you, you get in hospital without the nastiness of prison.

Go to hospital instead!!

1 May 2007 at 01:08
rowan said...

Sorry, I would much rather be in a prison than a hospital... Where they force you to be on thorazine every night. Your friend is right!!

1 May 2007 at 04:56
Gledwood said...

ooer!

3 May 2007 at 13:22
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18 January 2010 at 19:03

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood