HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Bad Day Good Weather

I HAD TO DRAG MYSELF TO THE COMPUTER JUST TO TELL YOU I'm feeling horrible. Not like saying anything. Not like doing anything. It is a "gorgeous" day. The world gleams as if viewed through designer shades. When actually I'm wearing my horrible "Specsavers second pair free" plastic on their last legs specs that I was going to tint blue at one point; somehow never got round to... Gabbly threw an eppie last night when Paterfam and I were scheduled to talk. Kept disconnecting him. So there I was, tapping keys to nobody. We agreed you have to keep on going whatever the pitfalls. Gremlins will not get me down. Just as in life, really. Now I want to go to bed. 'Cept I don't wanna go to bed. I keep thinking of McDonald's chocolate shake ... then I think of the queues in there and the heat and the way their machine has of breaking down whenever the weather makes it needed. I've been to all my friends' blogs but had nothing to comment. O boo-hoo it's one of those days. But why?? That's what gets me. What is wrong? Why am I like this?

Why???


***

milishaie*

*how did I intend to write "milkshake" and come up with this?

***

Video of the day: Throwing Pies at Flies

17 comments:

RUTH said...

Just the fact that the weather is sunny and warm always puts me in a better mood...somehow things don't seem so bleak when the sun shines. Sorry it hasn't worked for you.
Here's a cyberhug {{HUG}}...hope it helps
Rx

Nicole said...

The "i" is just above the "k", that's why :)

Gledwood said...

;-)

Gledwood said...

i'm off to cook pasta anyhow so wish me luck & no disasters. i got a burn on my finger from frying the other day. a huge blister came up. and seriously unlike me i've NOT POPPED IT in over 24 hours of it being there

Martha Elaine Belden said...

i'm sorry you had such a yucky day.

no fun. especially when it's so pretty outside :)

Anonymous said...

This is where you can (supposedly) get paid for blogging: http://payperpost.com/

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

Just wanted to drop by and say hi and hope you feel better. Our weather report in Alabama: hot, dry, and need rain (badly, my yard looks like brown shag carpet)

Take care,

TDA

Wayward Son said...

Sometimes it feels like my words went to one party, my thoughts to another and I got left behind at home. The only thing I can be certain of is that my words and thoughts will always come back to me. No one else would have them!

WS

MJenks said...

I have the same issue with McDonalds. Whenever I take the kids to get a treat, especially if it's later in the evening, I always get the "Uh...the machine's shut down for cleaning."

I'm like, Dude, you're McDonalds. You never clean anything. Fortunately, there's a Chick Fil-A down the street that's always ready to serve.

Anonymous said...

haha!

i feel better

(see, i'm laughing ...)

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood