HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, May 28, 2007

Bank Holiday

A BANK HOLIDAY is a public holiday. It's just the British Government's way of reminding its subjects that the banks will be closed even longer than they are in a usual week. (Though I remember vividly in the 1980s my Dad having to rush to get into the bank by 3:30 (pm!) because after that hour the staff took to playing with rubber bands and filing their nails.

The weather is awful. It is clammy, cold, wet, grey, intermittently rainy and thoroughly miserable. I lost my cards last night which isn't a tragedy (no money in any of 'em) but an inconvenience (how the hell do I get them back??) I don't know why I should feel like I've got a black hole inside me, pulling me into the psychic void but I kind of do. Also I've been sleeping every minute I can. Not in the mood to be awake.

I did go hopping across the internet yesterday and found some wonderful stuff. Some of which I put in my links. I keep stumbling across baby blogs. They're awfully cute but they somehow make me feel sad. I don't know why. I remember coming home one Christmas feeling suicidally depressed. Looked through my own baby photos, saw this stupid, smiling innocent. Look at me now, I thought.

I don't know.

On a lighter note I did make quite a good beef stew on Saturday.

Right I'm off!

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I randomly stumbled on this last night. A golden retriever with a litter of golden pups!

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PS Click here for angry cleavage lady!
For the story behind that look, click here ...

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Continuing the nursery rhyme theme, here's another that Blue (beautiful blog btw) reminded me of.
I didn't include it yesterday as it didn't seem as inkeeping with the "London" theme.

Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horse
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
She shall have music wherever she goes


The "fine lady" is often taken to be Elizabeth I who did indeed ride to Banbury to see a new stone cross that had been erected there. (Oh! The days before television!) Though I somehow doubt she rode all the way on horseback. Do correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't most boy horses geldings? (I.e. castrated because it makes them less temperamental and easier to ride?)

12 comments:

Deb said...

Yeah, banks...I always wonder why, despite there being 4 tellers behind the desks, three are "closed" and there's always a lineup? And the tellers at my bank have taken to airing their dirty laundry while we're in line...they chat back and forth as if we're invisible customers. I had to hear of one's dissatisfaction with her boyfriend's *ahem* "skills" (or lack of). "Excuse me, I just came here for twenty bucks, NOT to hear you moan to Dr. Ruth".

You can tell I'm less than enthused with my banking experience lately.

Nicole said...

I used to feel a bit sad looking at babies too, they just don't know what's coming, then I'd feel a bit angry because the world is overpopulated and people just keep popping them out, now I just look at them and think that somebody will have to pay for my retirement.

RUTH said...

This relentless rain doesn't help much! Will it ever stop? I think the Nurery Rhyme for today should be
It's raining, it's pouring;
The old man is snoring.
Bumped his head
And he went to bed
And he couldn't get up in the morning.
Rx

Anonymous said...

haha LoL ;->

Headgirl said...

Hi there
Thanks for stopping by my blog & the mention/link on yours.

The lady on a white horse is more likely too relate to Lady Godiva's ride & the the rhyme also has pagan fertility overtones ie ride a cock horse! Looked it up for my Beltane 1st May blog post.

Best wishes
Blue

Polar Bear said...

oohhhh..love the golden retrievers blog. They are such gorgeous animals. I've been debating getting myself a golden retriever. If I were'nt so irresponsible, I'd probably get one.

Anonymous said...

hey.. i love to read ur bloggy..

Oanh said...

Re Google Analytics:

I trust you have a gmail / google account as you are on google blogger. You sign up for google analytics and there's a spot for where you key in the address of the site you want to monitor. You are then given code. You just go into the code for your blog template and then past the code from analytics into the template. Then you get analytics on all your pages.

I'm reasonably clueless when it comes to techie stuff, but analytics talked me through it pretty well. I think it has a good FAQ but it's been ages since I put analytics on.

Hope that helps :-)

thanks for visiting -

Anonymous said...

... but where on the blog template?

hang on i'm going to look when i got time later then i'll get back to you if i still don't get it...

... & somehow i still doubt i will ... !! ...

but thanx for trying to help. i'll see what i can do ...

Workman said...

you left a message on my blog and i thought i might come and visit yours...very cool! very entertaining! Just wanted to share that with you...

Edyta said...

"On a lighter note I did make quite a good beef stew on Saturday"

AHHH! So cool! Ya know, its soooo hot here, i simply CANT think abt food.

Baby blogs? SOmetimes they r stange. Nothing written just pics. Whats the point of it? Burn a DVD with all those pics & have urself a thing with memories that u can grab if u r going to visit ur relatives to show off ur cutie. Becoz, if its on the blogopshere, then it shall be gone, sooner or later. Eh.
& myself? i was a weird kid. Not to mention, i'm weird now. hehe.

So, it's rainy there. Strangely, i like rain. Yup, yup. I do :)

Oanh said...

oops - sorry must not have understood your question!

at the end, just before the google stuff.

here you go :-)

http://www.google.com/support/googleanalytics/bin/answer.py?answer=55604&topic=11126

hope google starts taking over your life too...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood