HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, August 05, 2007

2 Schizophrenics in One Day/Accidental Spliff/Sleep "Disorder" ..?

I WAS TROTTING PAST A LOCAL PAVEMENT CAFF THIS SWOONILY SWELTERING AFTERNOON when a perturbational voice hollered my name. I reluctantly turned, only to be confronted by a ginger-haired schizophrenic I know from my old begging days taking a seat outside the massive plate-glass windows. Through which all three staff members appeared to be standing in a row and scrutinizing us. "Take a seat, take a seat!" he demanded. "I can't I can't I'm late for dinner." I protested. "What is time?! Time is all relative!" he replied. "Except when you're getting told 'bugger off your dinner's gone cold and you're too late,'" I said back. He couldn't answer that one, and so after all the how are you's launched into a story of how he had "lost £227 last week" having given his post office benefits card to a rasta (who'd performed the job of withdrawing money, scoring crack with it and returning home with said crack flawlessly only a week or so before) ... only to find himself still waiting in rastaman's flat for rastaman's return 48 hours later. "So what did you do?" I asked him. "I took his DVD and his stereo and some food and reported the theft (of the money, not the electricals!) to the police. So now when they catch up with him he's a robber and he will go to prison!" Hmmmm, I thought. But he did invite me round next Thursday for a cracksmoking session. Which I thought twice about and am probably not going. Unless I temporarily lose my marbles between now and then ...

Got to Mother Hubbs's sweltering late. Charles, the schizophrenic boxer was eating chicken dinner in the kitchen. "Hello," he said. He believes he is going to win the next Olympic Games in London in the 1500 metres category, as well as the 100, 200, 400 and 800 metres. I said, "isn't that a little ambitious" (considering Charles is approaching the age of 45 and has no athletic experience outside school sports day). "No," he replied flatly.... Ho-hum ...

Having found a long rolled-up cigarette end at the bus stop this afternoon, I re-rolled it into a lovely filter-tipped Golden Virginia roll-up ... inhaled freely on and off for five minutes. Until I realized the odd taste and smell emanating from this cigarette were not tobacco (no wonder I kept getting funny loooks from everyone else at the bus stop) ... and I was feeling quite dizzy and slightly odd. My fault! And considering that mental psychotic research appearing in the papers all last week thanks to research in the Lancet hopefully that won't make three schizophrenics out of us in one afternoon!!

I cannot help wondering what it is that has had me flat out unconscious most of the weekend? Was it really "barbiturated" heroin yesterday? Or just my insane proclivity for massive oversleeping at the most inopportune times..?? I really don't know. Well that's another great cause for stopping all drugs... I want to know how well I really am without them. Hopefully I'm better off than when they all started. My great goal is to earn enough of my own money to escape the dreaded governmental poverty trap for once and for all! And then I shall answer to no-one. And be free!

Well I'm a cheap one to satisfy, seeing as all I want in life right now is a DAB radio £24.99-£39.99 and a CD player (about £11.99 from Argos). I think I shall go for the CD player first as I've loads of Gnat King Coal CD's, original London cast recording of Beauty and the Beast, Best of July Garland ... etc./don't ask how I obtained any of these things. They kind of got into my possession over many years via other people who didn't want them. Also via £1.99 bargain buckets ...

Still I am debating the likelihood of setting up tropical fish at home. I do love fish. Some amazing fancy tanks are available. But I'll tell you a sad (but heartening) fact about fishanks. Once set up, the boring oblong ones actually look by far better than anything that comes in hexagonal, outsized fishbowl shape or anything else ...

... or maybe I'll just compromise with some entertaining furries like Roborovski hamsters ... which seem pracically inobtainable in London these days ... why ..??

Ho-hum: Monday approaches. Wonder what tomorrow shall bring.

I'm off to read my Apocalyptic "nonfiction" about the end of the world. Pleasant dreams everyone!!

Video of the day:

Bunny Rabbit 24 Episode


Heart Of Darkness said...

Haha, that's funny, you posted a brand new post just as I left, which means there's a pretty good chance I was the last comment on the previous post and first comment on the new one! ;)

Uh... Monday... office... headache... nooooooooo!!!!!

Gledwood said...


Lee said...

Just make sure you don't put any Angel fish into your proposed tank...they eat all others...mine did until I ended up with only one left...Amadeus, I called him...he was a little beauty...I even shed a tear when I arrived home from work one evening to find him floating on the surface of the tank. I gave him a fitting burial in a potted palm, with my two cats watching on!

Gledwood said...

i heard sucker loaches will hoover big welts onto the side of sleeping angel fishes as well ...

i never was that keen on angel fishes anyhow

i much prefer torpedo shaped fishes like cardinal tetras .. siamese fighers ...

and i particularly love all manner of LOACHES and CATFISH ...


Kao said...

wow, I guess that's odd...

well, I ahve to say sorry for all the time I haven't bee to your blog, but the real fact is that I was on vacations and I didn't Have internet connection... :S

but anyway I'm gonna print all the postings I haven't been able to read yet ('cause I don't wanna miss what the final of your story is)

so, sorry, congrats for Edyta's award and see you! xD

Arjan said...

one hell of a strange but interesting blog you got there.

RAFFI said...

did you at least get the munchies to enjoy your dinner?

Gledwood said...

Kao: thank you!

Arjan: is it really that strange? Wow, in an odd kind of way I'm flattered ...

Raffi: yes two hours later I eventually plucked up the "savour" to be able to "savour" my dinner bits I took home. Thanxx for asking..!!..

IVY said...

barbituated heroin? what is that. The guy should't have given him stuff and waited.. that's a mistake I made over and over in the old days, and only one out of ten was it okay. (not a rip off.)
PS. I heard thru the grapevine that my readers are "judgemental" over my recent choices.. I really hope that doesnt include you.

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood