HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Resist Resist Resist/Vision in a Carrier Bag/Amazing Bunny

RESIST RESIST RESIST. I must resist. I have £20 in my pocket and do not wish to score. Except I do. If I do I will obtain 1. a smug sense of security, knowing the dealer is coming. 2. a smug sense of security knowing I have heroin. 3. enough heroin for 2 or 3 "hits" ... meaning 2 or 3 times I can spend half an hour looking everywhere on my damaged, bruised-up, bloodstained body for some section of vein willing to take a gloopy, acidified brown heroin hit (which is a hobby in itself these days) knowing that 4. if I do actually get it in a vein that holds it (instead of blowing, leaking or simply missing - there's not much by way of veins left these days I may experience for about 30 seconds to 2 minutes a pleasant warm feeling of the drug in my system and 5... supposedly i will feel better for that. Except most probably I won't feel that amazing. If anything (and if I let myself stay still) I might well fall into a dull, dopey sleep that feels no more special than natural non-drug-induced sleep... so in other words I am addicted to scoring, far more than to the drugs themselves. What am I going to do?

Oh yeah. My vision in a carrier bag.

Here's what happened. I woke up early. Nothing doing (it was about 6 or 7 a.m.) It was light outside. Ahead of me was a black carrier bag on the side. I looked at it again and a face appeared on the side of the bag. A ghostly "Jesus"-like face. (At least it reminded me of Jesus as portrayed by Roman Catholic/etc iconography.) The face remained steadily there, staring back at me. I looked away and back. Still there. Then it smiled at me in an awful smirk. So I looked away again. And when I next looked back all that remained of this vision was the random pattern of white light reflecting on a crumpled, crinkly, black plastic bag ...

OK here's YOUR vision of the day. Do click on this one, for it's fantastic:
Amazing Bunny Rabbit Letter Opener

14 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Don't score Gleds, buy some food or something to wear, anything but heroin please.

I think the vision on the carrier bag was a message for you.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I add my voice to akelamalu's. "DO NOT SCORE". I may be naive but if the anticipation of the score is what attracts you and not the drugs itself, perhaps you can spend that money on something that gives you a healthy high. transfer the excitement to a healthy activity...one that you enjoy. Don't score, gleds, please.

gledwood said...

akelamalu: yeah maybe he wasn't "smirking" at me, that was my reaction to it... there is a word for when you can achieve that effect with light it's called scrying - it's the same thing crystal ball readers do

squirrel: don't worry i haven't yet

slaghammer said...

I say blow off the heroin and score shrooms instead. They are natural, self regulating, longer lasting, less likely to put you on the street and they do a bang-up job of killing hunger pains. It would also facilitate a more gentle transition to a life without drugs. You could also try god-mongering instead of drugs but that costs more money than heroin and god-mongers are not a whole lot of fun to be around. Not that I have anything in the world against god addicts, they are just a little bit too self absorbed and overly concerned about the afterlife for my tastes. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either. One of my best friends is a Christian. Is it ok to call them Christians these days? If not, I apologize for not keeping up with cultural trends.

gledwood said...

you mean the compulsary donations to the rolls royce fund? i see wot u mean ...

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

don't pick up gled! put the needle down...

smiles, bee

knicksgrl0917 said...

hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

Naomi Joy said...

RESIST RESIST RESIST! Please resist we will all be sooo proud of you if you do resist.

KaKe said...

oh my god I totally know what you mean, its the thrill of the hunt/score. I actually make myself sick to point of throwing up with aniticipation when Im about to score blow. Crazy. And the whole $20 in the pocket, you sit there and think man it would feel so good. Its only aftrwards when ur coming down do realize what you SHOULD of done with that $20.
Stay strong, you know what you should. Thats what I keep telling myself.

Gledwood said...

thanks for the encouragement, peeps!

Wayward Son said...

These days, I am all about dreams, probable realities, adventures in different concisenesses, life after we depart, reincarnations—all of it. I figure it's an adventure to let my mind wander amongst these unknown things so why not? It's like a chemical-less acid trip.

So I am loving the dream. I bet the face in the bag is someone you know from a past life! Although why he has come all this way to just smile at you I do not know.

Of course I am about 75% joking. But the other 25% percent thinks there is a message there.

Thanks for stopping by. You somewhat pulled me out of a rut and now I'm back to blog hopping again and paying my respects to my friends all about. Glad you liked the Moxie Video. That dog is the cutest dog I have ever seen. And as you know, i see a great many dogs. Did you see that happy smile he had at the end of the video?

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Well, it looks like you didn't from the next post so congratulations. Love the bunny letter opener - I want one!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood