HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Bankholiday* Heatwave

...*in response to the query I got the other day, a bank holiday is merely a British public holiday. So called because the banks take yet another opportunity to shut their doors early (what's new) ...

WHAT A SULTRY SUNDAY. "HEATWAVE" is how the forecasters phrased it. And yet again - there's me unconscious on the carpet snoozing as Amy Winehouse tinkles round and round on repeat play.

WHEN I REGURBISHED THEIR DOMAIN with Yangyang the Chinese hammy's cast-offs, the Robbies went bananas investigating it all, especially running back and forth throughout the Signal toothpaste box, poking heads through the chewed-out parts, squirming thru, pinging, ponging, do nothin' wrong-ing...

SORRY I didn't post yesterday (though it's labelled "Sunday" the last post was actually inputted late Saturday night). It got L8R & L8R, I had no messages to pass on. London had went Carnival crazy. Streets seemed full of beautiful black girls in spangling frocks. Black kids drest in West Indian cub-scouts garb. And black men tagging on possessively behind drest in nothing more special than their best baseball caps... (It's a Carribbean carnival. When white people have been; unless there's a whistle hung on Jamaican flag-themed ribbon about the neck there's usually scant clues at all that they've been. Except for an unusual level of drunkenness...)

Last night I decided to introduce Yangyang the Chinese to Baby Itchy the Robo. On neutral ground, of course: my two hands. All went fine except that in my enthusiasm I had gone and confused Itchy with Bashful - the absolute worst move I could possibly have made. No sooner had their whiskered faces said hello (in my own falsetto) safe from separate hands than Bashful went ping!! disappearing across six feet of carpet in two seconds and hiding behind a fallen laminated fire alarm notice. Yangyang merely looked on, ears poked up on high alert with a bemused expression and clung resolutely to my right hand that I suddenly needed for Robo catching duties (as Chinese hamsters do). When ten minutes later the situation was resolved, Bashful was blasting about the tank like a firework rocket panicking the other two for ages and Yangyang, who I'd not had time to return home had vanished. I later found him having burrowed down a new bedroom in the sleeve of my best jacket. Then the real Itchy showed face as if to apologize and he looked itchier than ever, wet from head to foot, like a brush from one of those drive-through automatic car-washes... except two inches long and beady-eyed and sand-colour, not blue....

... AND SO THE BANK HOLIDAY BEAT GOES ON... it's a sweltering day. Sly and the Family Stone are a-jazzin' & a-tootlin' behing the Robbies' empty-looking tank. The Robbies are all stashed away in their Maltesers tube fast asleep like mini gremlins. No wonder they're tired. Bashful and Sphericlal were running the wheel all last night while Itchy ill-advisedly attempted to go the other direction and so ended up clinging on for dear life doing constant loop-the-loops - and getting repeatedly trampled on the head as the other two passed another time over... (No wonder his behaviour's ditzy. Perhaps he's got brain-damage from all that gettin' chucked about... I don't know.)

NOW I HAVE TO GO and cook mushroom tortelloni with grated vulgarity cheddar and demoralized chopped tomatoes with French herb garnish... it's rather pleasant once you get used to it. (But some have died trying....) Hokay, till L8R...

Tunes of the day:
Bryan Adams with Mystery Guest: Everything I do
Chinese Violinist: Autumn Moon On A Placid Lake
... this is the nearest I could get on youtube to my 50p charity shop CD of the same name featuring traditional Cantonese music with the traditional one and two-string South Chinese violins.... The tracks with "birdsong" are fantastic as it's all played out in alt-altissimo on violin strings... quite genius... and just the thing to have glinting in the background if you ever throw a dim-sum dinner party ....

***

ROBOROVSKI ALERT: CLICK HERE ... and scroll down to see Itchy's lookylikey ... (sorry it didn't come out properly the other day...)

Note the nervous expression on the face... that is so characteristic of the Roborovski hamster

22 comments:

lime said...

thanks for the visit to my place. my fave bryan adams songs are 'heaven' and 'have you ever really loved a woman.'

Gledwood said...

hey did you hear HEAVEN remade?? I don't know if you would have as it was by German Europop "band" "DJ Sammy".... THAT, I am afraid, is why most people love that track over here!!

Gledwood said...

Having said that Heaven is a top track... also I like Bryan Adams' voice it is very constant... know what I mean? Same all the time. Which is supposedly a good thing for a singer. & very lyrical in quality ... & pukka ...

Anonymous said...

Ha! Ha! Very funny...

Bryan Adams is up there on the fromage meter, however, there is one song that always makes me smile (Summer of 69') it reminds me of cottaging. AND I am aware that (cottaging) has a COMPLETELY different meaning over there - my boyfriend is English and told me that it means cruising, whereas here it simply means to go up to a cottage and relax.

-e (keep them awesome songs coming, yer on a roll) ;)

gledwood said...

yeah I was wondering about that phrase "cottaging"... as you say, it means basically what George Michael got caught doing in a Los Angeles toilet...

gledwood said...

I mean HERE it does...

gledwood said...

:: here being London

Gledwood said...

Note to Self:~~!

deze is het nederlandse blog dat ik dat "garbage men" video gefonden hat:

http://grapgat.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

FYI: If you really want something to behold, I would suggest trying to look up the show where Celine covers "You Shook Me All Night Long" by ACDC. She does a pretty wicked rocker air guitar with use of leg right across a massive stage. The only problem with it is that she didn't fall off.

Just outta curiosity...if cottaging is cruising, then what is cruising?

-e (sorry, don't have a "blog" just discovered yours through, Katarina)

Amazing Gracie said...

Wow, thought I'd lost you! You used to pop in when I had the special "Random Blog" button, but I removed it. I caught you on Ruth's comments so wanted to say "hi!"
You sound great - hope you're doing okay!!! Come back some time...
~~~Blessings~~~

RAFFI said...

gleds, the only reason i'd listen to bryan adams is if it's gonna get me some lovin. as for the robos, they're really cool. as i said before, i'm checking the local pet stores for them. if i'm not so lucky, i'll just find a famous nyc sewer rat and let him free in my apartment ;)

RUTH said...

I do like Bryan Adams...i'm a bit of a gravelly voice fan (in a man that is). The Heatwave didn't last long here in East Anglia :o( but at least it's not raining.
Rx

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Woowoo. I think Bryan Adams completely outclassed Celine Dion there but then she steals the limelight with "guess what the heck am I wearing and why the heck would I be wearing it."

Arjan said...

'deze is het nederlandse blog dat ik dat "garbage men" video gefonden hat:
'

Ah almost correct Dutch.
btw...enormously late answer to the Q how I came here: through R2K's blog.

I also like furry animals, we got a Russian Dwarf hamster *at least I think that's what it is..* ooh and a cat, bad combo.

Puss-in-Boots said...

You're having fun with your hamsters, aren't you, Gleds?

I love Bryan Adams and my youngest daughter has been to every concert of his here. I prefer Bryan's version of "Heaven" rather than DJ Sammy.

Anyway, hope your heatwave breaks soon...ours are coming.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I like Bryan Adams too, in fact all the ones you post, even
Celine Dion, so keep them coming. Glad you enjoy your Hamsters.
Thank you for your comment about our
cow jumping over the moon. As for the dish and the spoon --don't bother me with details !!! Use your imagination. Stay well and happy,
Regards, Merle.

pissed off patricia said...

I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to get back to you on the tag. Thank you for thinking of me, but I must pass.

How's things going?

gledwood said...

Anonymous: what is cruising? In a gay sense a cruising bar would be one gentlemen frequent in search of other gentlemen...

Gracie: I know I do apologize... every time I've tried to use that Random Blog Button of late it basically doesn't work... they've tried to update it and basically have updated all the life out of it... it's ridiculous because it just doesn't work anymore... (how TYPICAL of THINGS!!)

Raffi: Robos are really hard to find... I had to phone all over the place... lots of shops say they don't sell them because they're "too fast" (ie don't make a good children's pet)... (I just think they can't get hold of them)... also lots of shops overcharge massively £15 each or more... (mine were £just under £8 each).... I'd phone around if I were you if you can get 'em anywhere I'd have thought NYC would have them... but as I said I had to go MASSIVELY out of my way to find 'em in London...

gledwood said...

Ruth: I agree. I don't like gravelly voices in women though I like pure clear voices with the diamond sparkliness of a mountain stream... like Sinead O'Connor's USED to be...

Lone Grey: You are quite right... did you notice she started off in the WRONG KEY?!?

Arjan: Ah! My pigeon Dutch strikes again! I know R2K... he/she (isn't he a he??) gets everywhere...

gledwood said...

Puss-in-Boots: Hey it's got colder already... (Probably by world standards no heatwave at all but SWELTERING for here..!... Did you by chance hear about the heath fires in Greece... 63 people dead at the last report... Nasty)

Merle: I thought maybe it was a restaurant called The Dish and the Spoon.... or something... (??) As for the robos... yes they are exceedingly entertaining!

Peed-off Pat: Apart from BROILING under the SWELTERING sun (yes even in London. Ukk...) I'm OK... Robos keep me amused...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood