HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, August 13, 2007

On Some Forgotten Day ... Extracts from Scribblings ...

3:30am ON SOME FORGOTTEN DAY:- GAAH! AWAKE. Oh - before I forget: this is the label nutnut doctors slap on some naughty children: oppositional-defiant! Yeah. Horrible little brats in other words.

O what am I doing what am I doing? Clutching at straws. Straws snapping off in my hands. I have handfuls of straw not.

I have been bingeing. On food. (Pasta.) And chocolate milkshake. Milk is cold. The nights and days are hot. Milk's good for teeth. That is my reasoning!

Aaargh! What am I going to do? I am so desperatly looking for a crutch of some kind. Why, having lived without outside distractions of any kind, at some points (no TV, no books; just the background radio chirping), am I insisting such distractions might somehow help me? What am I going to do? Distract my whole life away? Well isn't that what most ordinary people do? With their jobs, with their families and relationships, with their TV, computers, CD collection, exotic getaways?

Is my animals blog really boring?

Am I ever going to relinquish my grip on heroin? Let alone shake myself out of its grip on me ..??..

This is what I hate about hot weather: it makes life into a nasty, hazy, flickering consciousness that makes me uncertain. It is not nice. As Slaghammer of Texas pointed out: it's the drinking and drugging that makes the heat intolerable.

Before I became a living, breathing sponge for opiates I never sweated so heavily ever ... unless I was ill. Before I got junkified I was fine with summertime.

Sometimes I hate the countryside.

Once I went on a bikeride outside Norwich. The landscapes there are flat. I ound myself exhausted, stuck on a wide, quiet road with a slight incline. Fields of cabbages stretched out on all sides. And in the background, curtaining this reality in all directions were lines of trees. It was like being stuck in a painting by Van Gough. How the world glistered and flashed and shimmered, sparkled and dreamed. Every now and then a car would come rocketting past with a swoosh - cutting this picture-world in half.

How I wished I could crumple this picture in a ball, like such a bad drawing, and chuck it in the trash ...

SUNDAY. I do apologize for letting Barbra Steisand and a poodle and a chinchilla stay up for three dreadful days.

Reason? No computer time. No money to replenish it.

Tomorrow (ie today, but I never got round to tapping this then) I'll be able to update: also respond to comments. Today I literally have a mere 2 mins left to type and go.

OK ... I would have been off to Mother Hubbs' for Sunday lunch at this point had all gone nicely, but it didn't. I didn't feel right. I don't think Mother H was right. I stayed away, having slept through till 4 in the afternoon... five... six o'clock; nudging evening now ... Got up. Sat down again. Still I was sleeping by three and dragged myself up at nine a.m. ... What's wrong with me? Nobody can tell. I just don't wanna have to answer for it. My inconveniences to me become great big deals to others when it's their sleep that's interrupting. Yet those dismissive doctors over the years never have been there to feel the distress ...

SATURDAY NIGHT NOT SLEEPY. No. Streetlife. No nightlife. The local pub is closed already, which means it is late-late. Past midnight; into Sunday now. And now when I've no computer credit of course I've so much to say to specific online friends ...

I feel I have been very remiss in commenting on the blogs I used to go to all the time. And I haven't fallen out of affection. Not at all. It just feels like life has passed me on to different tracks. Like the image of teh runaway train I used to use to describe my life, I fel I have no control And I've realized that haplessly collecting a random CD selection is not going to do it for me. Even though some do have strong pre-drugs associations ...

And there I talked my way through my meagre music collection ...

But I gotta go meet a friend in town now ...

Cheerio and L8Rs

Gleds ...

18 comments:

Edyta said...

well, ur last paragraph was kinda sad!
its great when life carries u to other places, better ones especially, just dont forget ppl who like u as u r :)

& lol @ waking up. u talking abt children reminded me of a kid in a restaurant. he-she was screaming too much. me swears if i had a shotgun, i'd shoot him-her. little kids should sleep at home, not go to fancy restaurants, they dont serve poridge, ya know?

hope u've been doin fine, gleds :)

gledwood said...

I'm ok Eds... I agree: little kids are horrid!

...do you like my Don McLean music 2day??

RUTH said...

The Don McLean song is a powerful image and moving words. Speaking of words.....financial logistics!...I must remember that; what a great phrase. Glad to hear you've rescued your plants. A gand bit of recycling using the lemonade bottles :o)
As for the rest...wish I could help!!!!!!!
Rx

anonimu' said...

lol gledwood..it was funny to see you posting a comment on a blog with a language u dont understand. In fact the owner of that blog seems to be a right-wing radical boy. In the beggining of your clip i saw Hitler and Mussolini so i thought u are the same but later i saw all that black US soldiers so i guess u arent a FA skinhead. GL :)

Bimbimbie said...

Don McL - poignant as ever

I've enjoyed your cd collection talks - you've introduced me to a new powerful voice I'd not heard of before ..... Amy Winehouse

Prefer the term horrible little brats

Sorry you are struggling at the moment, I hope you know we are your cheer squad and are willing you on and through the bad times ..... keep focused on your writing Gledwood *!*

Liz said...

Thinking of you, gleds. Hang on in there!

Gledwood said...

Ruth: don't worry but thanks for your concern. I know: lemonade bottles actually make really good transparent plant pots. I love being able to see rite thru to the soil ...

Anonimu: can you remember which precise blog that was? What was I posting on ?? A far right blog then?? O dear!!

Bimbi: I'm glad you like Winehouse - practically everyone who hears her seems to like her... I specially posted LOADS of her music into my musical blog now and a few interviews into my celebrity blog and a film called Finding Amy Winehouse (don't know whether they actually do as I've only seen the 1st 30 seconds) on my Random Blog ...

Thanxx Liz: have a look at my new Amy Winehouse collection of songs ...

Gledwood said...

NOTE TO SELF: EXCELLENT BLOG TO RECOMMEND MUENCH BUNCH NEWS

http://muenchbunchnews.blogspot.com/

Kahshe Cottager said...

I have been out of Blogland for a while ... it took me a while to catch up on yours. I am sorry that you have been feeling not yourself lately. It is a difficult path you have set yourself on - remember that you have many friends cheering you along. Congrats on rescuing your plants!!

Gledwood said...

yeah i think the plants will be ok now kahshe

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gledwood - I'm laughing over you telling your Aussie cousin where budgies come from *!* The Pale Headed Rossella is 30cm head to tail whilst budgies are 18cm. We have rubbish connection speeds in Australia and can't always get to see clips and such - but I have down loaded some of Amy Winehouse's music now - I think you should ask for a commission *!*

gledwood said...

a commission: isn't amy winehouse fantastic??
i could be winehouse's international agent. i've seen her manager - dodgy looking enormous black man who looks like he moonlights on the door of west end nightclubs ... well as long as he's making her loads of lovely lolly she's nothing to complain about

gledwood said...

o btw here's a TOP YOUTUBE TIP
(and it does only work on youtube)
if it keeps breaking up while you're listening to it, let the red line at the bottom of the youtube screen get to the end. once it's done that the entire clip is downloaded. play it now and you'll have no probs with watching, listening, downloading youtube traxx

Deb said...

gled...I've been doing the same - neglecting the blogs I usually visit regularly. I think the hot weather makes everyone blog a little less...that seems to be the pattern I'm seeing.

How do you "top up" your internet...I don't understand. Do you have it in your home? I thought I recalled that you go to the library to use it?

Anyhow, sorry to hear you're feeling out of sorts...I'm sure this too will pass. Hang in there.

I loved the Don McLean song...and the images were very powerful.

Great videos lately!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Ouch Gleds, sounds as if you have the blues bigtime. Hang in there, mate, this, too, shall pass.

Hope your plants survive...hope you survive...the heat.

Take care and keep on truckin'

anonimu' said...

http://ordinea-noua.blogspot.com/2007/04/imigratia-depasit-orice-limita.html
that was the blog..and tnx for your comment :)

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood