HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Meeting Mother

JUST AFTER FOUR PM I met my Mum and her Brian just off Picadilly Circus (no clowns, elephants, trapeze artists or dwarves shooting out of canons - it's merely a glorified traffic circle with humungous video screens glinting and flashing high up the sides of otherwise elegant stucco buildings).

We went into a nearby restaurant where they had nachos and cheese and I had a Siamese green curry that smacked of some kind of lime pickle type substance. It was rather pleasant.

When Brian said, "Shall we get a re-ocka?" I said OK - not realizing he meant Rioja. Which I'd always pronounced "Ree-Oh-Jah". No wonder I used to get such funny looks down the wine merchants'.

We talked about: Amy Winehouse, Lilly Allen, tropical fishes, cigarette smoke, France (where they have a cottage) compared with Britain (it is much better, especially the health service), the French proclivity for sunbathing beside and swimming in inland freshwater lakes as an alternative to the seaside and whether or not I should pretend to be a retarded English as third language asylum seeker with a rape conviction and surname Ndebe to assist job applications at local Council. (Concencus was: if I do, I'll get job with flying colours. I'll just have to pretend to be albino.) And so on and so on.

Afterwards they vanished into the tube while I perused a giant Virgin Records store (almost as big as some provincial department stores), which was full of Chinese tourists (Japanese tourists are so passe these days) - who all seemed totally conversant with e.g. how to scan CD's barcode into a headphones dispenser which then played any track you wanted to hear from said CD... with no need to insert CD into any machine... (all tracks of all CDs were evidently on some central "system"). All this newfangledness made me feel extraordinarily elderly. When I walked into a record shop last week for the first time in about seven years I was so not with it I got confounded: "Why so many film soundtracks?" Until a member of staff helpfully pointed out that I was in fact perusing the DVDs and not CDs. "Well they're all silver discs," I retorted. But didn't dare speak this thought aloud. Feeling like a pensioner I hobbled over to the actual music section.... Anyway, today I walked out of Virgin with a £5 copy of Leftfield's Leftism - which is one of thee best albums of the 1990s. Shoplifting was such a temptation as the CDs were in the cases and half the staff looked like drug addicts anyhow. Until I glanced 'cross the floor to a burly store-D's icy gaze which prompted my quick scurry to the front tills...

Aparently I can keep fish in the Chinese hammy's tank (he would go in next door's recycling box: they never use it). The tank is designed for fish and fully waterproof but only holds a paultry 7 gallons/27 litres. I can have ten diddy fish in there. I thought the remnants of hammy's wee and pooze would kill them off but aparently not so if I soak it out in a strong brine solution for three days... All I'd need then is an airpump (£10), box filter (£5) and heater (£20) and a bit of glass to stop the frog escaping and wahey! There has to be a frog... And a giant snail ("apple snail") and a couple of shrimps... Which leaves room for ... not many fish but hey. (The shrimps are transparent but well funky. They are sold by the bagful as live goldfish food so I'd probably get two for 10p if not for free...)

Is it really boring when I babble on about pets all the time?

O by the way: thanks for all your messages re: I do not have anything wrong with me; lots of people get inertia at various times.

In her autobiography, Marianne Faithfull declares that she became almost paralysed by apathy and will-less-ness at her addiction's lowest depths. She also said that she knew to stop when the pain of living with drugs came to exceed the pain of living without. In an interview she subsequently stated: "I'd tried to kill myself and it hadn't worked," (she fixed up all the heroin she had, fell down the stairs in an overdosed state and broke her jaw but lived;) "I realized that I was just going to have to make it."

Which is pretty much how I feel.


Debs: in answer to your query, the music to which today's Diana tribute was set is by Enya. Who was originally lead singer of Clannad. I will post up one of her best tunes tomorrow...


Hey did no-one watch or like the teenage kid's alternative video to Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive?


O BTW here's my blog recommendation of the day: Muench Bunch News


Wayward Son said...

Leave it to Ms. Faithful to encapsulate a thought perfectly into words.

"I'd tried to kill myself and it hadn't worked. I realized that I was just going to have to make it."

That pretty much sums it up though there are good sides and bad sides to the actuality of it.

Good Wishes Gleds,


Anonymous said...

Babble all you like Mr G... as well as a horrible and infamous dog, I have two hamsters, one Russian and one Chinese. I Got one, and then thought it was lonely, so I got the second one, thinking it was the same species. They took one look at each and then decided to bite each others faces off... The fat one came of worse and the Chinese one got exiled...so now I have two hamster cages.People think Im nuts, like one of those old ladies with hundreds of cats and rabbits and things...

Puss-in-Boots said...

Gleds, that tribute to Diana had me reaching for the tissues...especially with Enya singing so soulfully as accompaniment...just too sad to lose a beautiful young woman like that in her prime.

Nah, keep talking about your pets...I talk to mine...and they answer! Lol!

Take care of your self and I hope the inertias have disappeared by now.


Tickersoid said...

I watched the teen kids Gaynor tribute. It wasn't without merit. At least I managed to watch to the end, although a part of me was screaming 'stop!'

gledwood said...

Wayward: Marianne Faithfull's autobiog is quite good... at least once she stops jabbering about her time with Mick Jagger and switches attention to herself which is a far more interesting topic

Mutley: I could have told you that about hamsters! Chinese ones hate company of any small animals, including other Chinese hamsters let alone other species! That's why the Russian one came off worse in the fight. Chinese hamsters are highly territorial. You could have got another Russian hamster for your Russian and they would probably have gone together no problem. I was told if you're nervous about mixing them in you put bits of each other's bedding in the other's nest a few days before introducing the animals themselves. That way they know one another's smell in advance and fighting is forestalled. Supposedly

Puss-in-Boots: I used to feel as inert as an inertia reel seatbelt. Now I feel more like a child safety seat so I suppose I'm better

Tickersoid: I thought the teenager's I Will Survive was very witty and entertaining... innit!?!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Ciao, Gleds. When I was a little girl and first went to Piccadilly circus, I cried 'cos there were no clowns! Your pronunciation of "Rioja" is correct. Please tell me the hammy is OK? Not at all boring when you write about pets - and your blog's not boring in any way at all! MF summed it up, didn't she? You are doing well, Gleds. Auguri

Nicole said...

Wow. I've been gone for two weeks and you're actually going to appointments, have developed an interest in buying music, are worried about your plants and are having semi-decent meetings with your mum. That seems like pretty decent progress.

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood