HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Bluesday Tuesday

BLUESDAY TUESDAY: BOO-HOO! Yeah, I'm OK. No I'm not OK. I'm depressed because I lately came to realize how incapacitated I have been by sheer apathy. Inability isn't a word I use lightly here but if you intellectually know you're meant to be doing something, sorting something out and yet days pass into months with this thing still notdone and though you know it there is still noting you can do to move yourself towards it; you have passed from unwilling to unable.

Unable to do the simplest things for yourself unless they lie, like train-stations on the self-same structured looping tracks ... Daily running round and round. But only between those repetitive same few things.

In my deepest pits I totally absconded doing anything for myself like cleaning, cooking, even washing and changing clothes. I tried hard to break free from this morass of self-disrespect. So though I did resume cooking; I could only cook the one new thing. The very same dish. Day after day. (Remember: this was the era of the beef and lamb stew. Alternating meats felt a big liberation for me and not to be taken lightly. It almost felt like breaking some unwritten rules ...) I've always been prone to falling in love with one single dish of the day and making it the dish of every day for days on end until even I get sick of it. I can't understand why on earth I'm like this. And I don't, on a day-to-day basis recognize I'm doing it "oh! I'm being obsessional again!": I just do it. My writing may seem reflective but I don't engage in self-reflection as frequently as you might assume. And you don't know how much this confession pains me: I'm a 35 year old man who's lost the wherewithall to function as a grown-up, self-sufficient member of society. Addiction is of course a grossly prolonged state of repetitions. And the OCD of my childhood span round and round: "Germs. Germs. Now wash your hands," like a stuck record. The issue here isn't fishing out from my festering morass some excuse for my behaviour by merely spotlighting it. I'm asking: how do I break out of this broken-down way of existence? How do I get free? Do I make another circle to run in? Or do I break down the fences to ramble hapless and confusedly, freestyling my life when I've never before let myself fly free...?


Vids of the day:

Music -
1. Amy Winehouse on Letterman performing "Rehab"
2. Amy Winehouse at Joe's Pub NYC performing "Back to Black"
Entertainment -
Amy Winehouse on Australian Sunrise TV


Naomi Joy said...

In ways i understand what you are talking about. We get caught in a rut and endless circle taht we can not break free of. Me whenever I get home i don't wanna clean i just wanna sleep. And at work...i waste unbelievable amounts of time on the interent. Even when I've done everything there is to do on the net I do it again and again. I check my blog every 5 minutes that typa thing. I try to break out of it and do my work but I can't i'm stuck in the rut. I despise myself for letting my work slip but yet i continue to only get things done when I hAVE to and there is no longer a choice. It is a vicious place to get. I definitely feel for u.

And I absolutely love Amy Whinehouse...good choices for today!

Liz said...

I've never heard Amy Winehouse before: she's great. A bit Cher-ish.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

hi gled! i have been keeping up with you on my reader but not coming here and commenting because of your using. it is just too hard for me sometimes. right now my son is clean but as we all know that can change at any time. i understand addiction and i wish you well. i'll pop in once in awhile, but if you get clean, i'll be here ever day!!!

smiles, bee

RUTH said...

Wish I had the answer to your questions Gleds. Bit of a bluesday myself; always get like this when it's rainy. Hope you can find the right answers...I think they will come from you yourself though

Naomi Joy said...

a chocolate cake eh? That totally suites you!!!

Tashi said...

Thanks for your comment. You have a nice blog too. Keep up your good job. I have another blog powered by wordpress here http://tashi-khoo.com Please feel free to visit when you have the time ya. Cheers!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. Well, first of all thanks for AW clip. I know you'll think I've been on another planet - which I have, planet Sicily! - but although I knew about her I never heard her before. And I'm a somewhat moody strawberry cake ! [True about the moodiness.] I don't think your behviour here is in any way "not normal" - you're just honest about it! Apathy is my default state and I think it's quite OK to cook something you like and eat it till you get sick of it. Hey, Gleds, you're "normal"!! Seriously, you are doing remarkably well. Auguri from Sicily.

Bimbimbie said...

hi gledwood, thanks for more on Amy.
Your local pet shop people sound like they got their training from Monty Python ... poor old Charlie and your hampster!
Your right, carpet snakes are non-venomous, they just like to hug very, very tightly *!*

I hope you can figure out answers to your questions. Apathy strikes us all in different degrees, and before we know it it's become a bad habit ... little steps are needed to replace it with a new healthier habit that takes you away from the apathy.

Audrey said...

Dont be so hard on yourself Gleds to break free from the morass as you say and resume cooking is no small task and I for one enjoyed reading those posts.

I have to agree with Welshcakes and your looking for your own way forward, it will come gleds, just do what you can and not what you cant used to be my motto when I found myself in this place, I appreciate its not an easy place to be in.

In the meantime remember your doing something valuable with this blog.

Thanks for your comment and lol did I really say flamenco...heres to flying free one day x Auds

zen wizard said...

I feel your pain...the hardest thing to break out of is a rut.

The universe moves on God's time and not our time is part of the problem.

Sometimes WE are bored with repetition but God--or a higher power if you will--isn't bored with us being bored with it yet.

There definitely IS some purpose or something you should be doing besides the daily routine--I don't presume to tell you what that is.

Obviously, if you have struggled with and over come an addiction it might be COUNSELING--and I don't know that much about you but that might involve you going back and getting your MA (or whatever the equivalent of an MA is in England) or PhD.

And that is a really hard road--

But again, you have to summon all of your inner resources to get out of a rut...

Here's what I do--think of the alternative. I don't want to get political here, but it is like the Coalition in Iraq--failure is not an option, because the consequences of failure are unthinkable.

The consequences of staying in a rut are also unthinkable--you die a bitter old man lying on your death bed thinking about how you wasted all your potential.

Anyway, Godspeed whatever you do.

Wayward Son said...

I kind of relate to this state of inertia. Not so much now but certainly in my younger days and most definitely during the years of my using. I am not sure which fed which—using drugs or feeling inert.

For as long as I can remember I would always listen to a song I liked over and over and over until I was done with it. I was like that about many things and now I wonder if it was not me being afflicted with a mild strain of my own obsessive compulsive disorder. One thing I know about why I have been able to quit the first time out is that I had done drugs until I was just done with it. It took a long time for me to be done with it and at just seven months I cannot for certain say what the future holds in that regard. But for now it's just an old song I don't want to hear anymore. Clearly it's becoming that way for you as well.

Heidi and Moxie are not my dogs though how I wish they were. They belong to a good friend of mine in Sacramento... the one I credit with saving my life by providing a restorative and safe harbor for me to detox at. When I went there I would take long walks and Heidi would come with me. That's how she and I became the best of friends. When I visit now she remembers. Moxie had not even been born then.

Any way... I've been wrapped up in trying to get a job and been remiss in my blog travels... Everythimng gets better when we let Gleds. That's all I know right now.

BTW, do you have Meerkat Manor over there? It's my new obsession! Check it out on Animalalanet.com (http://animal.discovery.com/)

Take care, WS


junky said...

Didn't it used to be called "suicide Tuesday"? Not that I'm trying to encourage this type of behavior you understand.
Go visit my blog would ya I tagged you.
love and kisses

jmb said...

Hi Gleds,
I've given you an award today. Come over and get it.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Thanks for more music and
insights into your life. Sorry you are feeling down and hope you soon can smile again and be happy.
Thanks for your kind comment on my blog. You do well to post so regularly. Take great care, Regards,

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Gleds, I think you'd be surprised just how many of us fall victim to apathy and get stuck in a rut. And it is equally not uncommon for many of us to need help to get out of the rut. This may be even in the form of a friend just yelling at us to go through the routine and just go that much further each day.....our personal cheerleader and trainer if you like. It could even be a fellow user. Just agree to be accountable to each other and cheer each other on when things go well and pick each other up when it doesn't. We all need that.

I'm just learning about Ms. Winehouse. Thanks for the vids.

Gledwood said...

this is a memo to self:

o man that is so typical i get annoyed whenever i buy products that are meant to be miniaturized anyhow and yet the packaging is as big and extensive and complex as possible... all to create the big impression you're undergoing a major life experience as you unwrap your fantastic new purchase, know what I mean??

Gledwood said...

THANKS EVERYONE for your lovely messages... sorry for not responding individually to each i would get gleddered out!

tc workman said...

Hi Gleds. I have found that the only way to break free from a rut is to do it! Sounds simplistic...but it really can be.
Of course, easier said than done, especially for others!
I feel your angst!
If it means anything....your rut produces some really good writing though!!!!!!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood