BLUESDAY TUESDAY: BOO-HOO! Yeah, I'm OK. No I'm not OK. I'm depressed because I lately came to realize how incapacitated I have been by sheer apathy. Inability isn't a word I use lightly here but if you intellectually know you're meant to be doing something, sorting something out and yet days pass into months with this thing still notdone and though you know it there is still noting you can do to move yourself towards it; you have passed from unwilling to unable.
Unable to do the simplest things for yourself unless they lie, like train-stations on the self-same structured looping tracks ... Daily running round and round. But only between those repetitive same few things.
In my deepest pits I totally absconded doing anything for myself like cleaning, cooking, even washing and changing clothes. I tried hard to break free from this morass of self-disrespect. So though I did resume cooking; I could only cook the one new thing. The very same dish. Day after day. (Remember: this was the era of the beef and lamb stew. Alternating meats felt a big liberation for me and not to be taken lightly. It almost felt like breaking some unwritten rules ...) I've always been prone to falling in love with one single dish of the day and making it the dish of every day for days on end until even I get sick of it. I can't understand why on earth I'm like this. And I don't, on a day-to-day basis recognize I'm doing it "oh! I'm being obsessional again!": I just do it. My writing may seem reflective but I don't engage in self-reflection as frequently as you might assume. And you don't know how much this confession pains me: I'm a 35 year old man who's lost the wherewithall to function as a grown-up, self-sufficient member of society. Addiction is of course a grossly prolonged state of repetitions. And the OCD of my childhood span round and round: "Germs. Germs. Now wash your hands," like a stuck record. The issue here isn't fishing out from my festering morass some excuse for my behaviour by merely spotlighting it. I'm asking: how do I break out of this broken-down way of existence? How do I get free? Do I make another circle to run in? Or do I break down the fences to ramble hapless and confusedly, freestyling my life when I've never before let myself fly free...?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Vids of the day:
1. Amy Winehouse on Letterman performing "Rehab"
2. Amy Winehouse at Joe's Pub NYC performing "Back to Black"
Amy Winehouse on Australian Sunrise TV
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
2 hours ago