HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Eight Random Things About Me ++

JUNKY - FINALLY I ANSWERED YOUR TAGG!!

This took me ages to think up... until I walked about holding pen and paper for an hour or so earlier... (blank computer screen engenders psychic blankness in one like me. As my blog so duly testifies...)

1. I have written two books. Both are novels. One is 200,000 words and crap and about 20 MS pages are missing (thanks to an unnamed person who is not me); the other is totally handwritten, untyped and about addiction. I decided not to go ahead with editing it as will write my own memoirs instead

2. I "speak" four languages (arguably) (including English). These are French, German, Welsh and English. The Welsh is only conversational and because I did my secondary education in Welsh Wales where language classes were compulsory!

3. I used to have pet prawns in a fishtank along with fishes, a giant snail and a frog.

4. I once travelled from Carmarthen in West Wales to Marrakech in Southern Morocco and back entirely by train and boat

5. I can touch type a good 60 wpm ++(why? Because I once wanted to be a journalist and knew that whatever career path I followed, computers were the way of the future.. so why not learn to keyboard "properly"??

6. In my life I have been Christian, Hindu (Siddha Yoga), Buddhist, Pagan and back to Christian. Never have I been agnostic, apart from the early days of my heroin love affair

7. Aparently I have the same voice as Usher. (Isn't Usher a rapper? Wow. Big deal then.)

8. I am going to permanently stop using drugs ...

...AND I TAG...

Akelamalu
Audrey
Bimbimbie
Chipper
Jungle Jane
Kahshe Cottager
Merle
Peed off Patricia (Morning Martini)
Puss-in-Boots
Sadgirl
Wayward (Crystal Clean) Son...
and
Welshcakes Limoncello


Rules are: you write out eight random facts about yourself and tag eight others...

I tagged nine* because I wanted to torture Chipper* as well...

*OK I got carried away. And did more than nine...

O! And Roborovski news: I caught Itchy attemptedly raping Spherical again last night... thankfully he is getting very tame (unlike the other two) which is good as he's going to have to live in solitary if too many babies appear. Poor swine. I wonder if he would get on with Chinese? Probably not and I don't want to risk blood and hamster guts on the wood shavings ...

I'm not sure Spherical and Bashful (who is rapidly becoming spherical) are pregnant yet. But they surely will be once Itchy's balls drop (which they haven't yet.) But I know for a fact he is a boy because he has a pink dot and a pink patch. Girls never have any proof positive for being female... just two tiny holes you can bearly see...

So let's "see" what happens ...

***

Hey my Google word verification (bc I used to post too much) is "pigorsy"... what a word... Maybe I will pass that name to one of my baby robbies if and when they arrive ...

***

TUNE OF THE DAY: Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman - Somethin' Stupid

entertainment clip: Finding Amy Winehouse... short film by Leeds Uni students ... I've not seen this through myself I have to admit so I'm unsure whether they do find her ..!

27 comments:

Wayward Son said...

What wonderful things to know about you. You are so on track by accentuating the positive and stating you desire with such utter conviction. I keep practicing that myself and bit by bit it is actually working! OK, don't have a job but I feel happy so much more often than I used to.

Did you know that the song you have posted "Something Stupid" was a very popular hit in the sixties by Nancy Sinatra... singing duet with her dad, Frank. Probably you know this. Now you know that I know it too!

Cheers, WS

Gledwood said...

hey YOU got tagged AS WELL so there!! ha ha haaargh!!!

Edyta said...

haha!
i love this tag thingie!
btw, u cant imagine, just the other day i was thinking abt this song & kaboom here i see it in ur blog :)
i think its classy, no? :)

Nicole said...

I'm back from my holidays! I have so much reading to catch up on, it may take me days!

Nicole :)

Liz said...

I can rumba to Something Stupid.

Fancy being able to speak Welsh! Da iawn, bach.

Alexys Fairfield said...

Hi Gleds,
I love Robibe Williams and Amy Winehouse. Since Robbie is over here now, I might run into him one day. Amy is in rehab, so I probably won't see her. I don't think they found her either.

That was clever knowing the the keyboard would dictate your future.

Be well.

Kahshe Cottager said...

Oooo tagged am I? I'm game but you will have to wait a couple of weeks until I am back from the cottage! Who knows, I might do something wild and interesting that I can use as one of my random 8 things!! I learned a few new things about you today - pet prawns????

Bimbimbie said...

Hello G, blimey you have got to have the most interesting and diverse eight random things *!*

I'm behind with reading your posts but I'm just wondering, are you sure those little furballs you have adopted are not really Tribbles ..... remember what happened on Star Trek Smiles *!*

Zhu said...

I liked this meme and its answers !

I didn't even know you spoke French ! Eh bien on va pratiquer, hein ?? :$

I like your religious path... Looking for guidance, didn't you !

I find your posts more and more positive. Which is good.

Sharon said...

Thinking about you so I stopped by to say Hi.
Praying for you.

M- Filer said...

I am glad to hear these things about you. I should be surprised but I am not. I could tell you are a bright man. 4 languages!

junky said...

You do speak with a very strong conviction on your subjects.

I still don't know what my grandfather spoke, he was from East Isley, about hour and a half North East of London, I think. It always just sounded like he had marbles in his mouth to me :)

Akelamalu said...

I've done this one before Gleds and I don't think I could think of Eight more (interesting) Random things about myself, so I'll pass if that's OK. :)

Gledwood said...

note to self: THIS is where I found "man with a (real-looking) tail clip"

http://spanishdancerhs.blogspot.com/

Audrey said...

WOW!!!Gleds, your random eight things about yourself are so varied and interesting to say the least :) Great skills and talents,sounds like some wonderful experiences and the courage to explore...Im willing you to grab life with both hands and live the life you deserve,not discounting that it wont be easy..but GO FOR IT!!

Will have to think hard about my random things...mentally challenging.. lol x Auds

Gledwood said...

Edyta: Do YOU want to do the tag as well? Well YOU'RE TAGED THEN!! HA HA HAAARGH!!

Nicole: Hope you had a good one... I will come by again I know you weren't posting while you were away ...

Liz: O righto! Fi'n siarad Cymraeg fferm yn wir

Gledwood said...

Alexys: Knowing the keyboard would dictate my future.. o yeah I would have hated to be cursed with having to spend the rest of my life looking down as I typed that must get so exhausting/boring... that's why you can tell when I've copied something out... it's full of mistakes bc I'm looking at the handwritten copy rather than the screen... usually I type looking at the screen it means I'm very mistake-free (usually) ... actually I was surprised more people didn't see ahead as I did ... my brother did... the shrink the other day told me I have a very preemptive mindset and treat life like a game of chess.... well it IS just like a game of chess... just as the characters of the chessboard say it's so ...
Kahshe: Pet prawns... yeah they were freshwater shrimps... sold as live goldfish food but if you put them in with diddy fish they just live on as the fish are too little to attack them...
Bimbimbie: On Star Trek..? No... but I think I can imagine what you're thinking... they do kind of look a bit like space aliens ... and they certainly treat me as if I am one ...

Gledwood said...

Zhu: Oui. Ca c'est par-ce-que je ne suis plus deprime
Sharon: Hi!
M-filer: Hmmm bright? Usually articulate. Not always clever though.

Gledwood said...

Junky: A Mouthfull of marbles? Someone (who had half a Danish family) once told me the Danish language sounded like a crowd of people trying to talk with mouthsfull of jelly and potatoes ... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Akelamalu: That's fine I'm just surprised more people I tagged hadn't done it before... as I rather unoriginally said before this tag has indeed done the rounds like a dose of the venerials among college kids ...

Audrey: Yes it IS mentally challenging trying to think up the eight things ... took me two days to come up with any halfdecent answers .....

Puss-in-Boots said...

Right. Thanks Gleds, I think, for the eight randoms. You could be sorry...but then you could be bored out of your brain.

I like NK & RW's version of that song...but I do like any song Robbie Williams sings. Quite the fan I am of the young fellow (well he's young compared with me).

Sounds like you're going to have a population explosion in your hamster population sometime soon...heheh!

'Ave a good weekend!

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Good post and I liked your eight random things. I will try to post mine in a day or so.
I loved the Nicole Kidman (an Aussie)
and Robbie Williams singing together
I have heard it many times, but hadn't seen the video. Thanks for that. Take care, my friend, Merle.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

number 8 is the one i like!

smiles, bee

gledwood said...

Puss-in-Boots :Hamster explosion... hmmmmmm I know.... Robbie Williams has a brilliant voice... not overly acrobatic like a lot of women singers but I know it's good: I've heard him live (on television) and he put in a performance exactly the same as he sings on disc which is really quite something. I am sure the eight things will NOT be boring!

Merle :Isn't the video fantastic? They really got that 1940s technicolour thing right, don't you think??...

Empress :Yep and when I stop I stop forever. Never going back to that crap again

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, god! I love that song "Something Stupid" too! You could still be a journalist, Gleds and an excellent one. You are young - you can be anything you want! I know you'll keep to no 8 and I also know it ain't easy. xx

gledwood said...

Welshcakes: I also learnt shorthand once when I was determined to give up smoking... a job was going in a music magazine for "clubbing correspondent" ... wow! I thought: that was a job for me! Then I realized a dictaphone would barely work in a nightclub so I would HAVE to learn shorthand... so I did... rather badly though...

Also I forgot to mention how many spelling mistakes I make in my typing! Unfortunately though I did learn on an ancient electric typewriter, I only learnt speed on a computer keyboard... which forgives all sorts of things a typewriter would not!

Many thanxx for the best regards.... Have a great weekend...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood