HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Swizzly Sunday

SWIZZLY SUNDAY... Sunday morning... Sunday: lost day... I don't know!... Do you? Do you think my Mum knows I'm still using? She always talks about it in past tense... I feel so ashamed... That's why things must change.

I have been working on my alcohol consumption. I've cut my drinking in half within a couple of days. Do you know what did the trick? I took up drinking tea for breakfast instead. Because (looking back) I just realized I had been drinking nothing but white cyder for breakfast, luncheon and dinner and everything in between and afterwards! Nothing but cyder. No wonder I felt under the weather some days.

Yesterday I found myself sitting with all the drinkers at the bus stand outside a local supermarket. Only two were there, these two are the nearest to friends I have among that bunch. When I did used to hang out with street people (well: at one point, I was one) it was the junkies. But there are no street junkies left anymore. Only the shoplifters, theives, rip-off artists and prostitutes. No "crustie" street junkies after the 1990s fashion (army surplus clothing, dredlocks/halfheads/shaven/punky colours, dogs on strings) seem to be left. Many are dead. Others have gone back to Scotland and Ireland (we had a huge Celtic contingent) ... one or two have cleaned up. But it is just one or two ...

Anyway this lady I struck up conversation with said I looked so much better than last time. Shame about her. In a way she did look good (nice and clean. Hair recently cut and neat. She had a touch of makeup on and nice clothes considering.) But she was vague and staring into space. I mentioned something about the time I got hit by a truck and had concussion for a week. She grabbed my hand and put it on a long stitched up cut lump on the back of her head - surely about 20 stitches were there - and told how she'd just got discharged from hospital after perhaps four days. But everything she said was a bit vague... Then an Irishman who I know quite well showed up. When people wonder which Irishman I'm talking about I tend to say "he has really blue eyes"... thing is they all have intense blue eyes no matter what the hair colour. Real blue, sometimes ringed with white. (Not like my mongrel English eyes: bluey-green with circles of what someone once poetically put as "brimstone" - yellow bits round the pupil. See now you can pick me out in an identity parade!) Anyway: thing about this guy is, I've seen him reeling all over the pavements and falling and burbling and calling out... Now he is stone cold sober and all the better for it. Quite amazing. During our encounter she ran off and reappeared with a pair of large white "England" trainers (sneakers). They fit me fine. So that's what I'm wearing now... Whoever threw them away was a trainer-snob because they're hardly worn-out. But maybe they're last season: who knows?

Music playing is Amy Winehouse Back to Black. I slept with this on constant replay. This is what made me feel upset the other morning... Sometimes music goes right under into subconscious.

Thanks, Wayward especially for your dream interpretation. My "holiday camp" prison dream. Where the "jail" seemed so easy to escape from ... to any outside observer ... but of course escape was near impossible. Every time I tried I was fished back inside by (as I recall) invisible forces. Yes of course that symbolizes my addiction. And the fact that though anyone can sympathize with addiction because we're all dependent on different things to differing degrees you cannot begin to comprehend chemical dependency unless you've witnessed it first hand ... or more to the point, lived it yourself...

Yesterday I went to the fish shop where they had a tropical fish "bowl"... I use the word bowl advisedly, since technically it was bowl-shaped but if you're thinking goldfish bowl think again. This held 45 litres of water (about 12 gallons) and came complete (in glass) with heater, filter and light. When the woman saw it was me enquiring she was so dismissive; I thought f--- you and left. I've given up on the idea of fish in my present residence anyway (though I could still have dwarf frogs: two can live in as little as 1.5 gallons (6 litres!) water; they don't need a filter and aparently, providing your home is warm enough the temperature will be high enough... Anyway... no fish for me yet. I have decided to use the tank for Robo Hamsters (Roborovskis). They are social hamsters about the size and nearly as round as pompoms on wooly hats. They ping about all over ... they don't bite, they live long... My present Chinese hammy is fine he is just so shy there's nothing to see of him! So it's robos for me... of course if I do get them this blog will never hear the end of it ....

OK I better go:
These are the vids I pasted today
Amy Winehouse: Back to Black
and
The Aurora Australis ("Southern Lights") - aren't they cool??

32 comments:

Gledwood said...

Note to Self:

http://hiddenmahala.blogspot.com/

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Your mother probably knows, but lives in hope. Thanks for your visit and comments. Pretty darn big fish to haul in I'd reckon.
I hope that this week will be your best for a long while, make Mum proud
of you, not to mention your blogging friends. All the very best my friend,
Regards, Merle.

Gledwood said...

O thanks, Merle!

Akelamalu said...

Loved the clip of the 'lights'.

Well done for cutting down on the booze, it's a good start.

gledwood said...

... isn't it stupid... forgetting to drink anything other than booze?? but lots of people do it (end up doing it)...

i don't even have a kettle now

i boil me tea water in a saucepan!

Oceanshaman said...

My daily drinking routine these days consists of a cup of juice and a big travel mug of coffee in the morning, followed by lots and lots of water throughout the day, and a sugar-free energy drink and a fruit/veggie juice cocktail at mid-day . . .

Healthy, I know . . . but I'm diggin' the results . . .

RUTH said...

I'm sure you Mum knows...we Mum's know everything!!! The kids will testify to that LOL. Sometimes though we try to ignore what's in front of face in an effort to seem supportive. Bet your Mum talks in the past tense cos that's the way she wishes it could be.
Rx

gledwood said...

Oceanshaman: I wish I could stick JUST to stuff like that... I did USED to drink the ODD bit of water. Now and then. But not very much and not very often ...

O & when I bought lemonade as mixer I often ended up glugging the entire bottle of that rather than the alcohol... I drink too much alc' I know but I still don't really like the taste

RUTH yeah that's what I thought too

Edyta said...

gleds!
loved back to black!
this is just a quickie: hope u feel good now & u r smiling!

sorry, i've been busy nowadays!

RAFFI said...

loved both amy and australis... cool stuff. i remember being in london and boozing cider in between beers. it was sorta rough. anyways, it's so reassuring when you talk about those clean/sober doods, but it's really sobering when you talk about how many of them died.

gledwood said...

EDS: yeah I do have a PLAN now.. which is VERY GOOD!

RAFFI: how many gone: I know.
& yeah, cyder can be a horrible, rough drink

it's the cheapest alcohol you can buy: 59p for a half-litre can not even cheap beer is that cheap that's why I ended up drinking it... plus the fact it is sold at nearly every corner shop

Bimbimbie said...

Enjoyed both of the clips ..... social Robo hamsters - I've not heard of them before....and keep drinking those morning cups of tea *!*

Gledwood said...

Tea? Yeah I will... Roborovski hamsters you can see on my animal crackers blog they are very nutty!!

tea: yeah i will continue with

Puss-in-Boots said...

Robo hamsters? Never heard of those. What do hamsters look like anyway? I don't know if we have them here, I've never seen one in a pet shop. Only pups, kits, hermit crabs, fish and birds...oh and the odd guinea pig.

See, my education is sadly lacking...

gledwood said...

HAMSTERS ARE ILLEGAL IN AUSTRALIA

WHEN I HAD AN AUSSIE GIRLF she was so intrigued by my hamster Pandable "ooo he's like a little cartoon character!"

21 years old and had never seen a hamster in her life

Kahshe Cottager said...

Been away from Blogland for a while and have been catching up on your postings. You sound so much more positive in your latest ones which makes me happy too. I am also so very glad you have discovered tea and have a plan! So many people are pulling for you, not the least of whom would be your Mother. I know that this is something you must do for yourself first and others second though. Stay strong!

gledwood said...

Thanks Kahshe... as I write I am miles from home:- had to use net cafe for London A-Z as lost! I'm on a mission so wish me luck y'all

Edyta said...

u DO have a plan?
if u have the will, tell me all abt it!! :D

pissed off patricia said...

Each small step takes you a little closer to where you want to be. Please keep stepping along.

Kahshe Cottager, you have the cutest little avitar I've ever seen. I can't look at it and not smile

Naomi Joy said...

you really like amy whinehouse eh?

me too! :)

mutleythedog said...

My Russian is pretty nasty actually. I think its a good idea to drink less.

Audrey said...

Really enjoying the Amy Winehouse clips and music, wonerfully talented!!! I smiled when I read that you slept with her music on replay as this was something I used to do ( not with Amy Winehouse ) but I can imagine falling asleep to this and waking up with it still playing. Something quite soothing about doing this, dont know what but hey !!! Years since Ive done it.

Keep up with the tea for breakfast and keep taking those steps forward, no matter how small, they all add up.

Love hamsters,I bought my kids siberian hamsters, then they bred......arghhhhhhhh!!!prolifically..lol

Gledwood said...

Edyta: My plans? In a nutshell... to stop taking heroin, write my memoirs, tidy my life up in every respect that I can and hopefully, in the daydream, to make enough from the book to fish myself totally out of this crappo life and into another where I have my own apartment with fishies and HD satellite TV & my own Mac powerbook & all stuff like that...!

Pissed off Patricia: you're right you can only do this stuff in tiny steps. One thing I always got wrong b4 was to try and fly before I could even walk

Naomi Joy: Amy Winehouse is fantastic... and I can pick up any tabloid paper these days and guarantee there'll be some full-page mention ... ("The Daily Winehouse" ...)

Gledwood said...

Mutley: yeah!

Audrey: yeah it is fantastic to do that... I know other people who choose certain radio stations instead but I prefer Amy Winehouse, Tammy Wynette, Barbra Streisand...

... hmmm i think my robohammies might be breeding somehow... i just have this feeling i've got 2 girls and a boy ...

M- Filer said...

i think your mother knows too. I had some like that in my family too. I can see your appreciation of Amy Winehouse, I have one too.

gledwood said...

Amy Winehouse is fantastic... + she hits the papers EVERY DAY at the moment... bet she never envisaged THAT when she started out as a jazz singer...

ggirl said...

Amy Winehouse kicks ass.

Alcohol takes a huge toll on how you look. How could it not?

Be strong, Gled.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Yes, she probably does know. But you are doing well and you are honest, Gleds. You are also kind to animals. There are an awful lot of people who think they are god's gift to respectability who are neither of these things. So hang on in there. Auguri from Sicily.

AintNeverScared said...

You've got to be kidding me about the eyes right!? I'm part British, but also part a buncha things. And the eyes you describe (yours) sound IDENTICAL to mine, right down to the yellowish flecks, the brimstone if you will. No one in my family claims to know where I got them, and indeed, I can detect these eyes in none of my relatives. The English Mongrel eyes, eh? I quite like them myself. Add some long, curly black lashes, and you're golden baby! :)

Gledwood said...

GGirl: alcohol+looks ... I know ... there's a woman local to me who hangs round alkie corner at the bus shelter whose face is practically purple ... alcohol has most exceedingly tolled upon her. BIG STYLEE

Welshcakes: Gee thanxx!

Aintneverscared: ... hokay then they're normal British eyes I've got then!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood