HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Robbies Are Upset...

5:38 SATURDAY A.M. THE ROBBIES ARE UPSET because I removed their maltesers tube to stop them hiding all the time. Spherical has just completed attempted excavations beneath the empty cardboard box they were meant to sleep in but for some reason avoid (they would rather sleep under it. Which as much as anything else just looks ridiculous. Stupid creatures.) At one point the three of them were lined up furiously digging in a row. Which looked so entertaining. Though they don't always scarper the second I delve my hand beside them, they do eye it with grave suspicion. And if Itchy allows the rubbing of his back with one finger which is an action Bashful would never countenance, the other two look on with baleful eyes as if to muse: "Itchy, man, you're a fool not to run like we do... can't you see where this is leading? Those humans, they win your trust. Then they'll have you turned into half a shoulder pad on a fur coat before the month is out ..."

There is a Swedish lady called Eva who is an expert on rodents, who insists no species of hamster is a truly social creature and that all hammies, including all types of dwarves (Lord of the Rings Hamsters) will always eventually fight. My Russian hamsters never fought. And these robos, who clearly do things together on purpose are the most social pets I've ever had. Like a pack of mini rotund doggies who squeak instead of bark.

CELINE DION: I was, of course, merely being provocative yesterday beginning my post with those uncompromising words. How could I ever have associated "Celine Dion" and "adventurousness" in the one sentence? In mitigation let me state it was on special offer. But nowhere near as forgivingly low as the £1 a disc Gnat King Coal cost me. I was attracted by that famous love theme from Titanic which I always thought had a haunting Scottish panpipes thing going on... though it did get played to death... Also Luciano Pavarotti appears pretending to be her 70 year old pasta-munching lover (ukk! Perish the thought!) ... Anyway, on hearing the record through I know now why, despite having seen Celine on television numerous times I had no memory of any of her songs... that is because they're all so forgettable! With one exception: track 3, titled Treat Her Like a Lady a really entertaining dancehall-influenced number in which Ms Dion affects a West Indian accent to a ragga-girls chorus... So much of this record is eminently forgettable. Which just begs the question who bought all those 15 million copies sold?

THE ROBOS ARE SAT UP FURRILY IN BED, nibbling those pink and green hamster-scones in a line. O! Now Bashful and Itchy are having a grooming fight. Spherical is eating a biscuit (no wonder she is spherical). O! Now she's gone in the corner for a poo. Either that or she's staring into space in a Zen-like moment of blank... Come morning they get their Maltesers tube back to hide in. But they are not allowed such diversions at night. Else they get too boring and never come out.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I slept like a fallen tree earlier on... hours and hours and hours. It is very hot today (well, hot for here). I woke up parched... water more water... such raging thurst? Why?? Well I gotta go really it is too late now. All this post relates to Saturday not Sunday. Sunday is merely the technical day of posting as midnight's a near hour past...


Louis Armstrong: Wonderful World (Live on TV)
Wonderful World Illustrated Video

Videos II (Sunday (there was no post on Sunday))

Thousand Hand Chinese Dance
Showing off to the Girl Next Door (parakeets and budgies)
(I think it was screen II I specifically posted up...)


Wayward Son said...

I'm not sure Celine's current lover is as young as 70!

Puss-in-Boots said...

I like Celine Dion...but I'm well past middle age, so that accounts for it. Nat King Cole...mmm, sometimes, I gotta be in the mood for him. But Louis Armstrong...now you're talking! Actually I've got to find a copy of him singing "When the Saints go Marching in" for mum. She wants it played at her funeral after she pops her clogs. However, she's not sure when that will be...

BTW, I did your Eight Randoms.

Bimbimbie said...

just catching up with the daily tales of the Robos ... love your description mini rotund doggies who squeak. Makes me think my little dog just might be a giant Robo *!*

gledwood said...

Wayward: I know! Isn't his name RENEE? Or something? I know she really likes him and he paid for her first record to be knocked out

Puss-in-Boots: I'VE GOT WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN! It's on my Louis Armstrong "Collection" £1 CD I got from WH Smiths... Have a look at your local record shop, you should be able to find it in the bargain bucket... (my local bargain buckets (actually they're entire shelves with hotchpotched CDs of all artists from all eras randomly strewn around) have some excellent finds from £1 to £5

Bimbimbie: Actually the Robos are most like MEERKATS... in the way e.g. if one starts digging, another comes to investigate and before long you have all three scrabbling in a line looking so entertainingly purposeful... especially for something so tiny and furry and ... just ... round ..!!..

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds
I also like Celine Dion and Nat King Cole specially when he sang with his daughter Natalie. "unforgettable" and im also well past middle age,,Take great care

Mousie/Paisible said...

this chinese dance, like Shiva with so many arms is just fascinating, and all the stories you told us today...come on, go on telling stories you do it so well
Thank you dear, very much for that present...
love from mousie

Wayward Son said...

Finally, I got the eight things about me posted.

RUTH said...

Ermmmmm....it was Mick and I who bought Celine Dion cds ;O)Loved the Chinese Dance!

Akelamalu said...

Those birds are sooo funny, they had me chuckling!

gledwood said...

Jeanette: I liked that Natalie Cole song Pink Cadillac... do you recall that one? T'was well phunkie!

Mousie: The Chinese Thousand Hand Dance is fascinating isn't it?? It's been in my "random clips" blog for a while... but everything there gets lost it's so confused... I wish there was a more organized way of keeping a blog except just this reverse-chonological tradition... I think it places too many limitations... & I don't want to lose the facility for comments...

Wayward: Cool I will come over in a sec

gledwood said...

Ruth: Can you actually remember any of the Celine songs tho? I honestly tried (had it playing round and round and round on repeat) and STILL I can't remember any of the tunes except track 3 "Treat Her Like a Lady" and My Heart Will Go On and the Streisand duet "Tell Him"

Akelamalu: The birds are nutters aren't they... and why don't they just put 'em in all together? Or is it to coax such courting behaviour out of them all the time??, do you think???

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood