HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Black Pepper & Tomato Pasta Sauce

I'M SO TIRED I SPENT most of the day sleeping... It took some something-or-other to get out of bed and come here; today I am too blackpeppery and I didn't feel like it. Not into gurging out selfpitying whingeings yet... I wanted not to use anything and did. The lump of powdery dried mud knocked me out... "helped me catch up on lost sleep"... I have not slept properly for days. Sleeping somehow sometimes feels too much like giving up...

The BBC have put on a new version of the Diary of Anne Frank. Never having read the original I can't say how much it compares. What they have done is remake it in the image of the present time focusing on arguments and her burgeoning romance with the Jewish neighbours' son. They're all in hiding together. Perched in rooms off a back staircase, which is hidden behind a bookcase, upstairs from a shop. Final episode is tomorrow and I don't know how much I can handle watching The End, when all these characters in such sharp focus... well: knowing what happens to them.

When EastEnders came on afterwards it seemed so trivial I went out of the room and did cooking. I'm trying to learn to make Italian bolognaise sauce, y'know the type manufactured industrially by Dolmio-Buitoni-Ragu, from scratch. I heard you're supposed to take tinned tomatoes, chop them if they're not already chopped, and boil them over a low heat frequently stirring for a couple of hours or so... Am I right? You just cannot replicate the taste of these industrial sauces with tomatoes or puree just as they come. I believe they're massively boiled down and thus concentrated up. I only had one tin and the patience of half an hour, but I have to say in that time I did appear to be getting somewhere... IF ANYONE KNOWS THE RECIPE PLEASE HELP ME OUT!

PS DELIA SMITH says oven-cook for 3 hours in an open casserole dish... Bacon-schmacon: I'm not adding swineflesh to mine though!

PPS DELIA'S first "media" gig (though she was already food writer at the Daily Mail) was creating that fabulously fancy chinzy iced cake for the Rolling Stones' 1969Let It Bleed LP...

8 comments:

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. I can never bear to watch the end of any version of "Anne Frank" so I know what you mean.

For a bolognese sauce, you should put some meat - minced beef is the usual - then, when you've browned it you can add some onion, chopped carrots, garlic if you like and chopped tomatoes or tomato purée. Add seasoning and you do need to cook and stir occasionally for about 3 hours. I put chopped pancetta in with the meat [ready-chopped in plastic containers in Tesco or Sains] but you don't have to.

Jeannie said...

I make spaghetti sauce from scratch ALWAYS. My family would revolt if I didn't. You can put ground beef in it if you want - brown that first with garlic, onions and peppers if you like them - add mushrooms towards when the meat and veggies are just about done if you want to. Dump in a large tin (796 ml or 28 oz) of diced tomatoes or dice up the whole ones plus 1 tin of tomato paste if you have such stuff in tins there. The tins here are maybe 3 or 4 oz. The tomato paste thickens it up for you so all you really have to do is simmer it until you can't stand waiting any more. - Oh yeah - add basil too and salt and pepper.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Forgot: chuck in a glass of red wine, too!

gledwood said...

thanks folks!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Yep, the other two have got it covered for you, Gleds. Spag Bol is very easy and a lovely meal...very tasty. Have fun!

Gledwood said...

Surely I can do a vegetarian bolognaise/rattattouille?... which is what I originally wanted to dole over my pasta with luvverly grated parmesan..
;->...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood