Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog)

HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sunday Inconvenient Sunday

I HATE SUNDAYS. Hate them so much I thankfully managed to sleep through most of this one. What is wrong with me when sleep comes only in patches at night, yet I can doze successfully through the entire daylit part of the day?

There isn't very much to say about anything. I have been living on pasta and black coffee with the odd lot of Turkish biscuits (chocolate "creme" in the middle)...

It's not as Siberian-cold as it was last week, but my brain feels frozen as an ice-block. Maybe I am depressed, who knows? Bored/drug-ravaged by years of poppy-"power"...? Who knows?

Roll on Monday, that's what I say! Roll on Monday...
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12 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I used to hate Sundays too but, when you're getting older, every day is a bonus really. :)

18 January 2009 at 18:03
tut-tut said...

I second what Akelamalu says! but as a kid, Sundays were always gloomy. Monday loomed with all the complexities of the school/work week.

18 January 2009 at 18:10
Jeannie said...

Sundays ARE kinda depressing because of Monday looming. Sunday nights, I'm always anxious.

18 January 2009 at 18:54
Welshcakes Limoncello said...

If it's any comfort, I am exactly the same about sleep! Maybe you are a bit depressed, Gleds, and the weather wouldn't help at the moment . But spring is coming!

18 January 2009 at 22:43
Puss-in-Boots said...

It's Monday, 8.58 am and I'm going to go back to bed. I couldn't sleep last night and then my cats, the little buggers, woke me at 4.30 am creating havoc in the bedroom. So, I'm going back to bed to get some more shuteye.

18 January 2009 at 22:59
Keshi said...

I actually hate weekends now..dun ask me why!

Keshi.

19 January 2009 at 09:58
Nicole said...

If I didn't have to work I'd be sleeping more during the day too. I like the night time better. It's more quiet and the hustle and bustle of slavery is at rest.

19 January 2009 at 11:01
Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: aye that's true. I used to feel that way after I overdosed myself and might really have died, I reminded myself every day of this... but that was BEFORE I got a massive drug habit (and why I overdosed: 'coz I had no tolerance...)

Welshcakes: spring ~ aye!

Jeannie: I really hate Sundays since they started paying my dole Mondays it makes Mondays a horrible frantic race. Ugh

TutTut: horrible

19 January 2009 at 11:24
Gledwood said...

Puss-in-Boots: Monday morning already chez you... sometimes I look at the shadow-draped world imagining: tomorrow there already...

Keshi: I'm with u there, deffo

Nicole: I used to hate working nights bc I'm a night person. Felt like I was giving my best hours off

19 January 2009 at 11:26
Corpse Doll said...

I'm exactly the same with sleeping. I cant for the life of me get to sleep at night but in the daytime i can slumber like a baby all day. I'm still trying to figure out why...

19 January 2009 at 17:24
Linda S. Socha said...

Here is what I know...I am new to your blog and I think it is great
Fantastic in fact. I shall return. Stop by and say hello and give thought to exchanging following each others blogs if you are so inclined?
Linda

20 January 2009 at 02:22
NAVAL LANGA said...

I have read some of your posts and would like to revisit.

If you like reading short stories from an Indian writer, then a visit to my blogs would be an interesting one.

Naval Langa
SHORT STORIES by NAVAL LANGA
PAINTINGS GALLERIES

Another Interesting Blog
BIG CITIES OF INDIA

20 January 2009 at 05:36

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood