HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, January 30, 2009

What's Wrong With Me~?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? It's a highly pertinent question: I'm the only person I know who can sleep quite adequately most of the night, then (wishing to avoid the drug dealers of the day, admittedly) remain in bed and slumber the entire day through past nine a.m. and through to five!

This happened to me ~ yet again ~ today. And I was not out of it; I was not stoned. I drank 50mg methadone around five or six in the morning, which is a morning's supply (I save a bit on for the evening). Methadone, when you're a terminal junkie like me, does nothing to "intoxicate", it merely holds you "normal" ~ the idea being that no heroin is required. Though because methadone does not intoxicate lots of people on the programme do itch for something more and frequently find themselves using heroin on top. It's a depressing game and one I'm tired of, hence my casting around for some distractions that might carry me further from the drugs "scene", which is what I hope I might get from this novel scenario stewing inside me.

I've had all sorts of advice that's basically along the lines of not putting the cart before the horse, not worrying about what you're going to write next, get this one done first... which is all fair enough except I want to make a career out of this if I can and I know well enough what the publishing business is like. If you hit upon a bestselling idea they're going to push for more more more of the same. It's for this reason ~ not wanting to be known as a druggie writer ~ as much as anything else that I'm so happy with my present concept. It has nothing at all to do with drugs... And I'm far happier with fiction than autobiography (remember those memoirs I was (very slowly) attemptedly churning out those months ago. No matter how hard I persisted I never felt the idea catch light. Plus I had reservations about putting my own life in print. I didn't think it was fair on family or friends (who had been thrown into the blurriest focus possible)... and also, as I say, wishing to make a career out of writing and knowing the way the business views things, if I'd have made a name as a writer of misery memoirs, misery memoirs part 2, 3, ...10,427 would be demanded of me. Interesting my story might be but it does only really cover ONE book. There's far more commercial potential in fiction and that's always what I'd wanted to do: write the type of airport bestseller that has you so spellbound if you're not careful you'll end up missing your flight!

I'm adding great ideas by the day to my notes. Soon I'll be ready to tackle chapter one (again). The first version was so terrible an eight year-old child could have done better. I'm going to shut up about novelisteering now. For writing IT is my focus; not writing about it~!

Also: talk about "Glass Half Full" but have I set a Blogger record for losing the most followers? Nary a day goes past, after gaining one or two, that suddenly I'm one or two down ~ or the number of followers remains the same, only their faces are different! What's happening here? Am I honestly boring or offending people in such droves? Should I post about alpine rockery shrubs and daisies? I already to a Furry Saturday: maybe it's my roborovski hammies and harvest mice that are turning people off!

14 comments:

Baino said...

I'm so glad you're getting into the swing of things although it probably helps to be conscious when you do! (I jest). Ah don't worry about the commenters falling off. I'm still here! It happens . . .people find other blogs and the blogroll gets so big it's hard to keep in touch with everyone. I'm not a writer but I know a lot. They tend to leave the 'editing' until last. Wack it all down on paper (or better still a PC which makes editing easier). Then double space it, enlarge the font and fine tune it. Good luck Gleds.

Jeannie said...

Perhaps people find out that you are not what they thought a heroin addict should be and quit. I don't think there's anything wrong with you that you don't know better than anyone out here. You are very readable and I think at a very interesting point in your life. Perhaps others disagree but you just can't please everyone. We all lose people and who can say why? And then others come on board.

Puss-in-Boots said...

People come and people go but some of us go on forever.

Good luck with the writing, Gleds. I want a signed copy when it's published...please. Oh, and I will pay for it, I don't expect you to hand out a copy of your hard work gratis.

Syd said...

I don't think it matters much who follows my blog. If they want to read it, that's okay. If not, that's okay too. I like to write so I do it for me. And if it helps a person, then that's gravy added. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Deadbeaten said...

Gleds, as long as you're blogging, I'm reading! Even when I don't comment, I read everything you post. I too, want a signed copy of your book - I will not only pay for the book, but the shipping to Canada as well!

So..you've already sold two copies, sight unseen. that's gotta tell you something!

Cheer up, my friend- you are too hard on yourself:)

My Daughter's Addiction said...

Sold! Three copies!
I don't always comment either. I'm just dyin' to know what you're going to write about. You could, just publish this blog and make a fortune...

Nicole said...

Hi Gled! I've had to turn my followers thing off for a bit. I'm trying to re-do my layout and will eventually be back, that's probably why my little icon disappeared. Needless to say, I still follow your blog.

I found this link today with Night Photography of London which I thought you might like to see.

Gledwood said...

BAINO: The manner that worked best for me re writing was to get a first draft as well-tuned as I could make it without spending literally an afternoon on one page (I've not the patience for that)... if I got stuck I'd either skip or power on through. Then come back and tidy up on a line-editing basis. One thing I'm not happy about is radical surgical cutting of the book, e.g. excising one character or adding another. I quite enjoy polishing my prose, but everything else ie the main gist of the story I hope to get right 1st time, else I'm at risk of being driven mad ...

JEANNIE: I would have thought "not what they thought a heroin addict would/should be" would keep 'em reading... but maybe not!

PUSS-IN-BOOTS: unless it's a 10,000,000 copy bestseller haha! Merle published something about friendship, something about friends for a day, friends for a season and friends for life. I know she was right but I hate accepting things cannot/will not last forever...

SYD: that's the best attitude to have. Strangely since I stopped even checking let alone worrying about how many visitors I got my hits meter's gone up exponentially (about x5 what I used to get in the beginning)...

Gledwood said...

DEADBEATEN: maybe I am

MDA: publish the blog?... I wonder though. Blogs HAVE been published but no-one in publishing seems to have noticed this one and I'm not feeling "desperate" or "businesslike" enough to bring it to their attention

I think the bits they want to read (the bloodstained horrors) are too diluted by talk of hamsters etc. It would take a v enlightened editor to take on the whole shebang as is... surely(??)

NICOLE: my blog got like this just as London got how it is... by no planning at all (and less good taste haha!)

Catvibe said...

I know what you mean about writing fiction vs. memoirs. I don't want to hurt anyone I know... I'm thinking fiction might be a way to write about memoirs with a fictional twist. I still think its important to tell the truth, even in fiction. Better emotional content that way, people relate to the truth, even if it's been diluted with fantasy.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I hope you are feeling OK and things going along reasonably well for you. I woulf like you to read my last post about a Christmas Miracle. I found it very interesting
and thought you might also. Take care, my friend. Love & Best wishes,
Merle.

Don Cole said...

I surf around on blogs and yours has far more feedback than most. Addicts are such egomaniacs. Good luck.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood