HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 15, 2009


THIS IS MY NEW GOAL: far from being just blank and "clean" (never was sure of the "clean/dirty" terminology) but to strive for the true peace and Serenity (as NA call it) of Recovery.

Recovery is not a mere state of being but a process. As far as I understand it is the process of reconciling oneself with the reasons and forces that led us down Smack Alley to the morass of Addiction and moving on from there to learn how to live without drugs of any kind.

NA put great store on this "avoid all drugs" motto (and I think this is the most dangerous aspect of their thinking). They say that even having a drink is using, even if drinking never formed part of your using. Swapping focus from one drug to another is "like switching seats on the Titanic: you're still going down"...

Yes I can see they have a point. And their point makes doing the NA programme actually harder than living "drug-addiction free" than many normal people do, who might pour out the red wine before dinner, continue quaffing while cooking and finish a bottle a person over food after a hard day's work, then feel entitled to get slaughteringly drunk at the weekend (well: if you're British, Irish or Australian especially) and then in this drunken state perhaps turn to 4am spliffs and perhaps cocaine. Millions of "normal" people with respectable jobs engage in such behaviour on a weekly basis. In my day popping ecstasy pills was the thing. You'd go to the club or rave and take the magic tablet (or one and a half or two)... an hour later you're in a wonderland that, most amazingly you share with everybody there. It felt like the most amazing thing. None of the people engaging in this activity would have called themselves "addicts".

Once you have become a full-blown addict, I suppose you have to recognize that you've messed up brain and body to such a degree that for a very long while drugs of any kind ~ including drink ~ are going to be a no-no, unless you want to risk slipping back into deep waters ...

Having said that, I feel some people at NA take the "all using is relapsing" theme too far. I've heard a few stories about people who "lapse" maybe by popping a sleeping pill or knocking back a Scotch. Next thing anybody knows they're back at the heroin and crack. And in this country the vast majority of NA-members are there for one (or more usually both) of those two drugs.

I don't know why I'm saying all this: to convince myself...? To tell you all I'm convincing myself..? I don't know.

PS IF you want something entertaining, click here for a quick snapshot of my "personality"...

PPS ANSWERS to my Coca Cola quiz are: cans (in reading order zigzagging down) Arabic, Russian, Hebrew; the bottle was ARMENIAN!!!

PPPS I SAID I was going to put up stuff for worried parents. Of course I have not done. But there is one organization called Adfam for the families of addicts and users. Clickonthem for more info. The link I got was British but there are similar organizations internationally.


Akelamalu said...

So have you convinced yourself?

Gledwood said...

well it's not just about convincing it's about DOING it and actions speak so much louder than words and are so much harder to put into practice, y'know...

Jeannie said...

I think this would depend on the person but since addicts are probably inclined to want to lie to themselves, I'd probably adhere to the rule at least until such time as you are unlikely to slide into using again - like what? A year? maybe 6 months? I don't know, not having been there. All I can say about me is that alcohol and weed are entirely different species and unrelated. Just like weed and tobacco. Sort of like camomile tea is different than orange pekoe.

David Tellez said...

True, actions do spear louder than words. But since, all we have to go by is your words, how will we really know?

Deb said...

I think maybe part of the "abstinence" line of thinking is that somehow part of the process needs to be feeling o.k. with yourself with nothing altering your mood/mindset. That you have to learn to feel the feelings, go through the experiences completely substance free in order to learn to live that way. That by putting anything into your body, you alter your state and the secret is to get to feel good with nothing. Sound right? I don't know...I'm not expert. But, I know for my brother that personally he chooses to stay away from EVERYTHING associated with his old lifestyle, because once he starts "feeling connected" to it, it pulls him back. So he's had to completely change his entire life and learn to live his "new" life.

You'll get there in your own time/way. Each and every individual is just that - an individual and nothing's cut and dry. I have faith in you.

And serenity (I think) is the end result when everything falls into place. A stop to smell the roses things where a lightbulb goes off and you think "aha, this is what it's all about". Again, just my thoughts.


Puss-in-Boots said...

Keep going with this positive thinking, Gleds. I reckon you'll be clean soon.

Hah, I got the Russian can right!

Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ I like the title word -
Serenity. It sounds so nice and peaceful. Good luck with your trying
You will make it one of these days.
Why not NOW?
Thanks for your comments and the story of "Paid in Full" was good. I like the twist in the tale ones.
Must watch out for Jeffrey Archer's books. Take great care, my friend.
Love and Best wishes, Merle.

Crushed said...

You make some good points, yes.

Especially your middle paragraph. it's how many people live. I think at times I pushed the limits here and approached addictrion on various counts without ever really becoming one.

You're doing well though, I guess because as your banner says, you have your testament here to keep you honest with yourself.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Get clean...the world could use ya. I am freezing here today, west Toronto is in a blackout, this means no heat. Grrrr. At times like these I really loath being a Cannuck.

Gledwood said...

Jeannie: I think it has to be at least a year without messing with anything else... if you DO so much want a drink the question really has to be WHY ~ know what I mean...

David: by my words! the entire demeanour of them will change

Debs: I agree with your brother and don't see why I should need drugs or drink of any kind after getting clean. possibly with the exception of sleeping pills which I've "needed" since my teens

Puss-in-Boots: I hope so, ta

Gledwood said...

Merle: Jeffrey Archer gets derided over here (partly bc he was a Tory MP & activist as much as anything else...) but I think his stories stand up v well as plot driven tales... well worth picking out and shouldn't be hard to find

Crushed: sounds to me you came quite close... I was surprised when I first went to NA (about 9 years ago!!!) NOT to find any casualties direct out of the club/rave scene. any there were had become gear/crackheads first and come for those drugs. nobody came in because of using too much e which i found strange...

Reeny/Eileen: I could learn to park aeroplanes on the East River....

Baino said...

I agree with NAs stand. As a smoker, and a drinker, the two go together more often than not. Come Monday, I'm hitting the nicotine patches and cutting out the booze. I think you have to disassociate completely and change your routine to fit the 'new you'. Good luck! Wish me luck too? I'll need it . . bet I turn into a harpy.

Gledwood said...

Re smoking: when I did it (I did give up totally for the best part of a year, did new year's eve and everything without fags) I used gum as you can substitute for individual smokes when you feel you want one... there's also a nasal spray for those most strongly addicted that works really well, though it's supposed to burn your throat. Just thought I'd throw that in ;->...

M- Filer said...

I really like the 12 step slogan..."instead of THIKING your way into a new way of acting, one must ACT their way into a new way of thinking"

Having been on both sides of this fence, I can tell you that I used to have all of these philosophical debates about using, and not using and what is or isn't recovery etc..., and what drug was dangerous and what wasn't (for me), but I got clean when I finally shut my mouth about it and surrendered. All of my thinking got me HIGH. I had to just let go of the thinking for a while. I even told myself that after 5 years I would consider myself cured and then go ahead and have a drink or two ( I was a crack/meth head).

I celebrated 5 years clean in September, and I am so happy to be free of the compulsion that I decided to put off those drinks. I don't want to take the chance of falling back into that compulsion.I have discovered talents, and found energy to accomplish things in life that would not be possible if I was still sleeping all day.If you gave your self a break, you might become a famous author or discover talents you neverknew you had.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy, I am just speaking from experience.

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood