HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Tuppence a Bag!

FOR DAYS AND DAYS since Xmas that dreadful Mary Poppins song has been going round my head. It's about birdseed: "Tuppence! Tuppence! Tuppence a bag!" (I bet you could have fed a human being for 2d in those days ~ forget the birds). I desperately need birdseed for my hammies yet nowhere seems to sell it. I think my rodents are fed up of living off the food I live on (pasta smothered in tomato sauce). Also they have become Tutku addicts. Tutku are Turkish biscuits I dunk in my tea. Brown and white in what I'd call a "harlequin" pattern, these are full of chocolate fondant. Not sandwiched like ordinary creme biscuits but totally closed in. My pets have gone longer than a month on this kind of diet ~ replete with breakfast cereals and pumblechooks and bread. I think it's about time they went back to "proper" rodent food of the type wild mice eat in your house ~ e.g. candlewax and soap (joke!)

Does anyone remember the time Itchy escaped ~ this was 2 houses ago ~ no sign of her for days. I was tearing my hair out. Also the place was scuttling alive ~ especially at night ~ with wild housemice and I was terrified they'd mug her and beat her up. Robos are not very violent animals, far more likely to take flight (or, unlike other hamsters, freeze and play dead) than to actually fight.

Anyway I was just giving up hope of ever seeing poor Itchy alive again ~ this must've been at least 48 hours after 1st disappearance ~ when a suspiciously persistent scrabbling set off in the corner, where I'd lined up my books, 3 deep on the floor. Imagine my surprise when I came face to furry face with a shocked-looking housemouse, which rapidly pinged out of the way. I couldn't believe my eyes when the scrabbling continued and there appeared a cleaner, fatter and smaller rodent (yes ~ Itchy really is tiny. Fully grown yet smaller than a mouse. Plus she can run faster.)

I could not believe this ~ the little swine had been out under my wardrobe with a frenzy of wild mice, partying away (no wonder all that squealing ~ and it wasn't from her ~ robo-voices are more like the honks you get from kiddy-toys) ~ they'd obviously shared their dinner. Or she had stolen it off them (cheek-pouches being such an advantage). They'd taken her on a jaunt across the adventure playground of my books. Unable to ping back under the wardrobe because I blocked off the way, and never having learned to spring the way rodents have to in the wild, she was effectively marooned within a Berlin Wall of paperbacks. I took advantage of her instinct to seek cover by dropping a toilet tube down there. She scuttled straight inside and appeared most astonished suddenly to get snatched up and plonked back down with Bashful and Spherical. Roborovskis are the most social of all hamsters. "Regular (Syrian) hammies will fight to the death anything that dares invade their burrow. My robbies on the other hand sleep 3 to a massive bed, which is always under their wheel. They don't seem to mind getting repeatedly kicked in the head as they carry on dozing when one of their number decides to get up for a midday spin...

... And back to drugs. I am depressed because my addiction is more powerful than me. (Is this the meaning of that 12-step phrase "we admitted that we were powerless over our addiction"?)...

... Every now and then I have a reality check. Similar to the time when, in the bourgeois house I used to live in (many years ago) my one ally said of the other housemates "they all think you're a heroin addict" ~ and I suddenly saw "heroin addict" ~ the drug-ravaged spectre one steers clear of on the street ~ converge with me. My innocent self. It felt most disconcerting actually to be this labelled character. I feel the same jolt here sometimes. Especially when I vision my blog popping up in suburban kitchens, casserole in the oven, dogs running around, grandchildren yelling in the garden. And I think What am I doing here? My blog was never meant to be a cry for help. It wasn't meant to be a game, either. "Confessional" rides a rocky road once outside the confines of Secret Diary covers.

"Never apologize; never explain" goes the Immanuel Kant quote on one blog I only recently took up perusing. The first bit I go with ~ but the second? ~ Each to his own. My style of soul-searching would sit about as well with Melody Lee as black pepper on strawberry icecream. My drug addiction needs explaining.

Even if you don't need explanations, I do. Maybe, if I dig around the dustbin of my life, I might find a diamond. My mind was once furnished with marvellous things and I must have chucked them out somewhere... maybe they're still around...

And here endeth today's babble.

PS just a thought: I bet yous lot all thought "tuppence a bag" meant bags of "gear"... but hey ~ if only heroin was tuppence a bag.

(I'd probably be using 2000 bags a day...)


PPS LA TOYA JACKSON is on Celebrity Big Brother... hahahaaahaaah!!

AND FINALLY: I don't usually deliberately post up crap (I just have execrable taste) but here for y'all is Julie Andrews chiming away our titular melody...

19 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I enjoy reading about your hammies. Is there a chance your hammy may have even mated with the mice, or is that just not possible? May seem like a daft question but you never know!

Jeannie said...

So your little hammie was experiencing another culture while you were frantic with worry huh?

I think introspection is probably necessary.

I saw Mary Poppins at the movies when it came out.

Whitenoise said...

Don't give up, Gled. Your blog is a great place, you need the outlet. There is a diamond in the dustbin, we see it, that's why you have readers. I think I speak for most when I say that we hope you get it together and get clean before it's too late...

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Thanks for the Itchy story. I sincerely enjoy learning and learning about the Roborovskis; if I didn’t think that Alex would consider them a meal, I might adopt some of the little furballs.

Lucinda said...

I love your blog and I love Melody's. They are different takes, but each are interesting looks. I really like how you look for explanations out in the open in front of everyone, I don't feel comfortable, so I just put down the mundane humdrum stuff.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Aah, you seem a tad more cheerful, Gleds...and writing about something other than your addiction. I don't mean that in a judgmental way. It just seems to me that maybe you're starting to climb out of whatever pit you've been in over the last couple of weeks. Sooo...could it be the beginning of the end?? Let's hope so.

Gledwood said...

Akelamaluj: attempted mating is a real possibility, but offspring no chance. They're far wider apart e.g. than lions and tigers who can hive a liger or a tigon depending who provided what sperm/egg-wise... housemice, lab mice and pet mice are nearly always mus musculus; robo-hammies are phodopus roborovskii ~ which as you can see is different in both genus and species ... or whatever technicalities I'm sposed to spout. I really was surprised that she got on with them. And also didn't get beaten up by them because they're very aggressive to one another are housemice. Always chasing one another round, squeaking. Being female may well have helped as I understand one male lives with a group of breeding females, his hareeeem... any competing males being duly driven off...

Jeannie: I saw Mary Poppins at the cinema too. I was 6 or 7... that would have been the late 70s though, I feel 110 sometimes but I'm not actually even old enough to have seen Mary Poppins at the cinema 1st time round...(!)

I hope introspection does work and doesn't just make someone like me even more full of excuses and weaker...

Whitenoise: me too ~ re the hopefulness. & thanxx!

Gledwood said...

Nick: if you've got a voracious cat your only practical options are a glass aquarium (cages are ALL too easily knocked over) and a closed-up room for them...

Lucinda: I love Melody's blog, too. I could just never be cool like her:... know what I mean. So I never try. I can only be my saddo self and hope people might laugh about it!! ;->...

Puss-in-Boots: Beginning The End might be Too Much To Ask... but hey we never know..!!!!!
:->...

Lavender said...

A cry for help? Well, I didnt think so, but rather thought it a great tool for your 'process' and for others who may wonder the same things you do as they deal with this too...and I am another one that craves explanation - I cant bear to not UNDERSTAND things, but especially things that directly impact on me - dont like that at all - so you are not alone there!
Love your hamster story - well told Mate!
Now, how the hell do I stop that damned Julie Andrews song??????

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know where Exqisico disappeared to?

Young Werther said...

Ha ha... FYI my bunny has just mugged a wild hare (ok maybe it's the neighbour's rabbit), but hell , I'm selling Bunny Futures for delivery Easter 2009. Any takers....
(Here's the proof
)

Tea N. Crumpet said...

http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/799100/jewish/Samantha-the-Gerbil.htm

Gled-- you may like this. I don't go around sending schtuff to my friends' blogs. It's a story about Samantha the Gerbil.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~Thanks for your visit and kind words I am glad you liked the ice cream story. I like the quote -
"a little of what you fancy is good for you" I had to look up what
curmudgeon meant - sure not bad tempered? You take good care of yourself and try very hard to get
clean and surprise yourself and all of us who care for you. One day at a time. Love and best wishes, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Lavender: you can turn down the vol on youtubes it is at the bottom right. or turn the square sign bottom left into a r-pointing triangle stops it all together... i'm with you about explanations.

I said it wasn't a cry for help because a couple of times people DID seem to think I was posting for that reason & were really distressed they couldn't help me that was why I mentioned that

Anon: haven't a clue!

Tea & Crumpet: thank you!

Werther: OK

Merle: you're welcome! I think "curmudgeon" has enjoyed a high frequency of late... you know how words have fashions? it's been "in" in the UK...

Liz said...

I can just see those silly little robos lying there as the wheel goes round and round! You paint a wonderful picture.

Gledwood said...

it's a wire wheel as well so frequent foot-through-kickings happen all the time...

Baino said...

Who cares why you blog. It's good, informative, funny and your recipes . . .well unusual . . .give those Robos some good food (I have rats in the feed shed currently enjoying very expensive coprice horse pellets . .the bastards chew through the most sturdy of bags and then have the indecency to poo in the food!) Keep up the good work sunshine.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood