HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Kicking Coke in Public

ALL OF A SUDDEN I FEEL STRANGELY EXPOSED, making progress in my drugs-fight and reporting online.

Cocaine, or more to the point, crack, has long been a feature of my life, holding hands with heroin and tangoing together as daily speedballs in certain years gone by. More recently I was reduced to Snowball Mondays. I'd buy just enough crack for one nice little pipe, then crush the rest into heroin, to make into snowballs.

Cocaine intensifies the effect of heroin and just like butter on bread or sugar in coffee, the combinations's hard to give up once you've picked up a taste.

An old drugs worker put it best: "Crack just separates you from your money as quickly as possible. And it makes you use even more gear."

Although I've usually had the control to keep my spend at £10 or £20 and then leave the crack alone (people who insist on buying the smallest amount then saying "let's get some more!" and "let's get some more!" really annoyed me. I always saw the high of crack as temporary and false and thus far easier to see "through" than my beloved heroin, who's done everything to make my life the garden of delights it is today. Ooo! Is Gledwood being sarky here?!

Now back to crack. I managed to beat it back to a single day a week and when it wasn't that day even if I had the dollars I didn't feel tempted. Compartmentalizing life is one thing I'm good at, so I found myself sticking to this rule without much trouble.

Also I was so unused to exercising any moral gumption it made a spiriting change actually to make a decision and prove I could stick by it.

But of course my Crack Mondays have been sabotaging all attempts to steer heroin clean. Because come the weekend's end ~ and Sundays have always been miserable for me ~ and I'm always broke ~ I'm suddenly chucked into the glory of a monday morning with money and a double temptation and so I always gave in, and so the only pattern I made in life was circular: a vicious circle too!

So you see that little bit of coke was far more of an issue than it might seem at a casual glance. I didn't dare post this much yesterday because my inner demons love so much making me a hypocrite. I can just imagine posting "I did it!" then running straight to the dealer. As soon as addiction flourished in me so too did an inner gremlin who seemed to spiritedly enjoy chucking my resolutions to the wall. After all I'd lost so very many dignities there was no way now I could do without the consolation of drugs cushioning my fall. And so I didn't. And so I lost the power to resist.

Please don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying "I've done it. I've kicked the crack"; I never can. (You can only ever do it day by day...) But I managed it yesterday and that felt like some achievement...

hey! Now I can throw out my crack bottle collection (they were brandy miniature like the three to the top left pictured). I need the drawer space and I don't need the reminder.

I STILL FEEL SHAKY WHEN I SAY ALL THIS. Something in me just wants to sabotage and cheat. I'm a drug addict! How can I ever trust myself again?

OK: before this post turns viciously circular as well I'm going to ping off like a roborovski.

21 comments:

Crushed said...

Gleds, staw away from Crack.

It has to be the most evil drug there is. Much nastier than heroin.
It takes people over and really does turn them into people who can think no l;onger than the time period it takes to inhale and exhale.

Fingers crossed, mate!

Gledwood said...

o yeah that's true; crackheads are really irritating!

Odat said...

Hey you!!! Happy New Year??? I'm happy to hear you're trying again!!! :-) Be well and take care of yourself, you're worth it!!!
Peace

Gledwood said...

cheers :->

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Day by day Gledwood. There is no other way to do it. Hope u can get over the crack, I see people in my hood all the time jacked up on that shit and it DOESN'T look like fun. Have a good one.

gledwood said...

crack is whack!
as crackhead whitney houston declares!



yeah this is me i'm just not logged in

Noah said...

I am also guilty here as I like a bit of coke mixed with my smack from time to time...it just makes it more better indeed...

Akelamalu said...

Great, you did it yesterday, you can do it today if you really want to. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you m'dear. x

Elaine said...

I have no real experience of drugs (other than the odd spliff, and the multitude of stuff I have witnessed other's partaking in), so I feel any comment I make is pretty pointless, worthless and useless. Cos I don't really know what I'm talking about.

However, I'm not one to give up!

I know nothing about crack, heroin (other than seeing a guy die in the street last week after a fix)or any other hard drug. The ones I battle with are alcohol and cigarettes. Pretty lame, I guess, in your world, eh? But I do feel that every drug is an addiction (be it legal or not) and we are all facing the same battles. The battle to be free of them, and free to live our lives like we see other peole living theirs.

Good luck. xxx

Puss-in-Boots said...

Ok, Gleds. That's the first Monday without it...as you say, day by day. But...it's a start and a good one. Keep going, my friend. You have plenty of support through your blog.

David Tellez said...

Like everyone else says, it's a start. And starting off on anything is always a little shaky and makes you a little unsure. But the truth is, if you stick to it and believe in yourself, you can accomplish anything Gled. Sure, it's cliché, but so is taking it "one day at a time" and if a cliché can help you out in life, then what's the harm in it? I'm rootin' for ya Gled!

Miladysa said...

I join in the chorus with everyone else here Gleds - you done it once, you can do it again and again.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Think of yourself as a Warrior fighting a war against a Demon. Get the &*%$£@! decked and keep it there!

M x

M- Filer said...

I have never asked you this, but undoubtedly others have: Are you opposed to 12 step programs? Would you consider that as an option for getting clean?

Gledwood said...

Noah: it can also make doing just the one very boring indeed ~ so be careful!

Akelamalu: today won't be a problem, I promise you, as the "day to do it" has passed. Next Monday will be far trickier...

Elaine: alcohol is just as much "drugs" as "drugs" are... cigs are addictive though not really mood altering... they're still difficult enough to stop though, aren't they!

Pussinboots: I know I do thanks :->

Gledwood said...

DT: accomplish anything physically doable... like giving up crack is...

Miladysa: OK I will. Unfortunately drugs demons tend to be like the ones in the films that "die"... then the next thing you know they're stirring, standing, brushing themselves down and fighting another day!

MFiler: no not opposed but a little bit cynnical. You could say it's the people rather than the programme... e.g. people having a nip of brandy at a party and going "I've relapsed! So I'm going to spend the next 2 years back on heroin and crack!!"... I've seen THAT one happen (been to enough meetings...)

Lavender said...

The old 'one day at a time' sounds so cheesy, but its true - and with some things and on some days the best any of us can do is 'one minute at a time'.....but it does make a hard thing alot more manageable - and youre doing it! We are all cheering you on, keep strong Gledwood!
And your Robos are just the most adorable thing on four paws!!!

Beautiful Things Can Come From The Dark said...

hellooo. Just wanted to stop by and let you know im reading. I need to catch up. I think you are the most peppy and cheeri-est of the junkie bunch. Take care-

april =D

M- Filer said...

fair enough

Baino said...

At least it felt 'like an achievement' relish in the moment Roboman. Oh, my nephew apparently doing lines in London. His family are blissfully unaware and I'm in a conundrum, do I tell? Do I stay quiet and treat it as a recreational thing. I'm torn. Possibly because I've never 'seen' him do it but know he does. I've seen him high on party poppers but . . GAH!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood