HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Fish Fingers Sandwiches, A Clean Wok and a Novel New Turn ...

THANKS TO MY NEW OBSESSION with fish fingers sandwiches, my wok, which was already resembling a Hiroshima artifact, became burnt so deep, carbon on carbon, you'd half expect, on excavation to find Viking or Roman jewellery buried underneath.

I followed your advice and smeared on neat sodium bicarb and this, scrubbed, soaked, left and smeared on again etc produced within an hour a wok which, if not exactly new looking, is at least respectable. The old version was so dirty it looked like if you'd only added seeds and fertilizer you could have grown tomatoes out of it...

Talking about archaeological digs, I did some online excavations to find out who had given to who from who from who from who and so on that Honest Scrappin' Award before it came to me via Janice and Merle (and it's now come back to me again so watch out: none of y'all are safe!)

I had been put onto this quest by seeing again at the weekend the Will Smith film Six Degrees of Separation. If you've ever tried bloghopping sideways blog to blog to blog (start with a friend who receives lots of comments from people you don't know and negotiate your way via each new blog's comments. I leave a Hansel & Gretel style sugar-trail of hellos as I go, at least in the interesting ones but if you can't be bothered with this you can hop via their blogrolls... If you've never done this, I'd heartily advise you give it a try someday it's fascinating the new territory you can discover. E.g. the Honest Scrapper Award came to me via a succession of general witty text funny photographs type blogs ~ then all of a sudden I'm in recovering alcoholic land for many blogs in a row till all of a sudden we round a sunny corner into an endless slew of young family with baby blogs... and here I got lost (and I'd love someone to explain how a ward received on 2 December last year was given by someone who only got it a week later...??!? The trail became so nonsensical I gave in... however if anyone does know where the honest scrapper award came from and who originated it, I'd be fascinated to hear the full details from you!!

Where "six degrees of separation" (if you don't know the theory, it says that nearly all of us, in the industrialized world at least, are connected by no more than six degrees of friend-of-a-friendship)... a theory that I've found to be true in blogland at least because if you do hop at random via the unlikeliest blogs collections you can find I guarantee you ~ it might not happen within six, but you're almost certain to find this within twelve ~ glance down each new friend of a friend's and-so-on's comments and I guarantee you, very soon ~ it's happened to me every time I've tried this ~ you'll find a familiar cheery avatar face within 6 shakes of a roborovski's tail, I promise you..!

You can read about the origins of the urban myth/academic theory behind "six degrees of separation" here.

Last but not least my life's rounding a turning point. I cannot explain how or why or any wherefores but I know. If I don't make a move now I seriously will lose out.

I know what I have to do. I've to take up the project that's been festering inside me, longing to burst out ~ my intellectual novel! Forget "clean". "Clean" is meaningless in a vacuum. I'm into filling the void: then I might have something to launch into if/when/however/(somehow) I do finally at last manage to leave ALL these drugs behind...

... Anyway, to this end I purchased 1xA4 refill pad 200 sheets ruled feint and margin; 1xA4 refill pad 100 sheets totally plain; 1xartist quality 0.5mm fineline pen, carbon black, waterfast/lightfast (I need waterproof ~ you would not believe how many litres I've spilled over my intellectual manuscripts in the past...

... now I've no excuse not to get scribbling ~ hurrah!! The novelist in me rejoices!

The novelist in me quakes in fear at having been cornered, exposed and put on the literary "spot", but hey: life's about challenge...

11 comments:

Crushed said...

You're right of course, regarding the six degrees of separation thing...

You do realise as well, that chances are, we're all somehow descended from Julius Caesar?

Baino said...

Six degrees of separation - absolutely . . .I love trawling other blogs but time prevents me other than on the weekend. As for the novel, go for it! Don't forget 'clean' it might be the distraction your looking for. Wonderful to see you so motivated and the very best of luck, but I don't somehow think you'll need it!

Akelamalu said...

Fish finger sandwiches with tomato sauce - MWM's favourite snack!

Glad the bicarb got your wok clean. :)

Queenneenee said...

Hey Gleds, I too love to blog surf and I did notice a few of your comments on some of the sobriety blogs I frequent. Gool luck on your new journey with the novel, should be a good read for sure!

David Tellez said...

Back home in Tucson, it was more like 4 degrees of separation for me. No joke. Everyone I knew and or met, knew someone or had a friend of a friend that knew someone that knew me. It was weird hearing complete strangers talk about me as if they knew me. I think that's part of the reason I had to get out of Tucson.

And just curious...why do you have to write that great novel on paper? Does it make a difference if it's done on the computer?

sally in norfolk said...

i love fish finger sandwiches with tom sauce.... but you should grill the fish fingers :-)

Lou said...

all the food you talk about on this blog sounds awful. just sayin.

Gledwood said...

CRUSHED: was JC that promsicuous? I heart a lot of European-looking people along the silk roue e.g. in Ladakh are offspring of Alexander the Great (or most probably his army) most of the population of Mongolia's descended directly from Ghengis Khan!!

AKELAMALU: yummee!!

BAINO: yes I think this ie exactly the distraction I've been looking for...

QUEENEE: see I said I sprinkle comments like sugarcubes behind me haha!! It's not about drugs though I don't want to be pidgeonholed as a "young hip Brit drugs writer" like a 00s' Irvine Welsh, no way. Hence my avoiding the topic of drugs like the plague...

Gledwood said...

DAVID: I haven't got my own computer and you don't need one for a 1st draft anyhow. Writing it out like that will give me the oomph to save up for one... also if I take care in my draft it shouldn't be much more difficult than typing up and tidying up as I go rather than a real surgical job getting the finished product right...

SALLY: the instructions said that but that makes them DRY, doesn't it?... then you'd want buttered bread/toast ~ defeataing the low fat object... I just fry 'em but spread the toast with ketchup and that's that...

LOU: it's only snacks, darlin'!! I CAN cook properly (when I set my mind to it...)

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood