HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

More Robo-Food & A Crackheads' Conference

THREE GEAR-&-CRACKHEADS were chatting in the street as I ambled along. One was a former dealer of mine, who is now clean and has a goofy smile all over his face. You should do it too!" he enthuses. But enthusiasm alone just won't cut it... as I've discovered. One of the three I didn't know. The other is notorious. He calls himself Mellow and I have little respect for him. He once pulled a knife on an Irish guy who was a friend of mine... next thing anyone knew Mellow was pelting up the road, knife in hand with Irish Guy raging up behind him. And that tells you all you ever wanted to know about Mellow. Except that I first properly met him in what the press call a shooting gallery and we called "the Burnt-Out House". I was sat round a table with two lesbians. We had all just had a pipe and were now onto the gear. Mellow, was at this time still smoking all his drugs, started pulling a pathetic rant about "don't go squirting that crap in my direction". It was me who pointed out that at £10 a pop we were hardly likely to be playing waterpistols with it, were we? Then again some people are stupid and he doesn't look like he's added any IQ points as he's gone... Anyway they didn't spot me today as I quickly pinged by...

OK that's druggie story of the day done with. Now onto "cleaner" issues. No of course I have NOT touched any crack. At ALL. It really was as I said a once a week £10 thing in the end... and the end went on for months. Now the end is over. And done with. I'm fantasizing about breaking all my bottles. But I still haven't done it. (Not having a bottle has never stopped me piping in the past, so maybe that's it. Throwing needles away I found even more dodgy as when I was minded to "use" I would "use" no matter WHERE the needle came from. I'm just glad I tested HIV-Hep B-Hep C negative because I honestly didn't think I would. (Especially the last one...)

And now to hamsters. OK now mine have to be the best-fed in Christendom as I've gone out and got them a kilo of Wagg hamster Gerbil Mouse Munch. The packaging makes it sound so vitamin-packed they'll go supersonic... so let's see...

For anyone new to these pages who might be bemused by my constant references to "robos", I mean roborovski hamsters and here's the writeup at roborovskihamsters.webs.com

Roborovski Hamsters (Phodopus roborovskii) are the smallest and fastest of all the hamster family and are kept as domestic pets. Of the hamster species, they live the longest (2 to 3 and a half years).

They are very curious, easily startled, and generally timid little hamsters. Their suitability as pets to be handled is further diminished by their size and speed. Roborovski's are, however, extremely social and affectionate with each other, and when housed together from an early age, sleep in one place and indeed eat, play, etc. together. They have a very good temperament and rarely bite either each other or people, which makes them ideal for family pets.

They grow to about 4 - 5cm long [2"](not 7cm like you sometimes hear) and have bullet shaped bodies and have very long back legs for running extremely quickly.


See why I find them so entertaining?

16 comments:

Jeannie said...

Congratulations on skipping your regularly scheduled crack day. How come it's so easy to skip laundry day?

Your robos are definitely sweet pets. They are so tiny - it's no wonder you flipped out when you lost one.

Gledwood said...

The worst thing is, even though she's fairly tame as robos go, all that goes to the wall the moment Itchy smells freedom and bang! she is gone

Dying4Something2Live4 said...

Your robos are adorable!! I once had regular little fat hamsters, and some gerbils once too, but your's are by far the most cute! I would like to get some, but I'm afraid my cat would eat them. I'll pass on them for now. I know what you mean when you were talking about how it didnt matter if you threw your needles out or not, if you were going to use, it didnt matter where the fit came from! Guess that's how I ended up with Hep C.

David Tellez said...

Well that's some good news! Testing negative and not using. I can't imagine the feeling of going in for blood work and discovering you have a life-changing disease. Scary.

I used to have a gay friend that would have unprotected sex (he would claim he got caught up in the "passion") and then freak out about getting tested and up until the moment they got the results, he were a nervous wreck of screaming and endless crying. Then, he would get the result that he was negative, but needed to be more careful. And he would for the next few days, but then, after a while, he would throw caution to the wind.

I can't understand how someone could continue to put their life on the danger line like that and continue to live life in a constant state of freak-out. I'd rather live life and enjoy it then be scared of it, you know?

P.S. Love your Paris Hilton picture!

Noah said...

Do you have an email addy somewhere on this blog? I've done a quick search but I may have missed it.

Deadbeaten said...

A few years ago, I saw a British documentary about Heroin addiction in the UK, where they were giving addicts prescriptions to do it legally. I specifically remember one pharmacist using a syringe to load a pack of cigarettes for one of his addicted clients. Does this ring any bells for you? Obviously, I'm assuming, this practice no longer exists, right?

Gledwood said...

Dyin4Somethin: I've had 2b v careful with self-thwarting behaviour bc I've either got round it or hated myself for it. Hmmmm robos and cats don't mix v well, they're fast but not that fast

DT: really? that's scary... Paris Hilton? aaagh I see what you mean!!!!!

Noah: I don't think it is up but it's hammynutter@lycos.com

Lucinda said...

I didn't think that Paris Hilton could become any scarier... until I saw that picture. I think I may have some nightmares about that.

Gledwood said...

You poor Americans must be inundated with Paris Hilton pixx... I didn't even REALIZE it was her till I got a remark back... I'm double-glad I posted it now. How to make a witch look like a witch!!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Someone has a thing against poor Paris to make her look like that (smirk). Very clever, actually.

I was so happy to hear you're negative for all those diseases, Gleds. How lucky are you? So...think about it. Keep going on with the drugs and it may not stay that way, hmmmm?

As for your robos...their little faces make me laugh. They always looks so surprised.

Good luck with it all, Gleds.

Miladysa said...

I'm really pleased the test results were negative :D

Your Robos are sooo sweet!

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Mellow? What an utterly lame and predictable drug dealer name. He should have just gone with something like Dagger or Hacker....lol.

Akelamalu said...

I am so pleased for you that (a) you tested negative for all those nasties and (b) you resisted the crack! Good on you m'dear. x

Gledwood said...

Pussinboots: the robos' faces make ME laugh too they're really funny... those tests WERE a while back but I don't recall engaging in risky behaviour since then...

Miladysa: ta!

AR: I had one called WICKED how crap is THAT????

Akelamalu: whoopeeee!!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood