HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Comatose Sleep... Poked with a Chopstick


I ONLY DRAGGED MYSELF OUT OF BED yesterday for some basic home comforts, before pinging quickly back for hibernation. Friends had finished; there was a documentary on Channel 5 about how tribesmen of European descent found themselves interbreeding with Tibetan and Siberian stock in Central China in ancient times, living lives considered important enough for mummification... Yes it was one of those mysteries of the "how did a blond person get out here" type programmes with no real answers but very good for dunking Hobnob creams to...

Not very much of yesterday comes back, for all I really recall was being averse to the calls of drug-dealers (and the phone did ring a couple of times)... and crawling back to bed and sleeping... and sleeping... and sleeping some more... and waking finally after three o'clock in the morning having slept perhaps some twenty hours out of twenty-four yesterday. I'm glad I missed the day. At least no drugs was an achievement. I topped up on methadone twice while I drowsed, but awoke not eletrocutedly panick-stricken I need gear! but sweating and cold, a full sign of not having used and, despite my having scrupulously dosed precisely as prescribed and cautiously avoiding all and anything else, my minor dalliances of the past week swept over me in sweat and charged me interest in those little shivers. I don't know what else to go for.

A little research of mine has implied there may be some other options hitherto unexplored re opiate substitution therapy. One would involve a hydropmorphone ("Dilaudid") implant, slotted under the skin like a doggie's ID-chip this would leech out a semi-synthetic opiate, about the same strength as diamorphine if not stronger, by constantly skinpopping me night and day for a month. The principle being that with this reliably topping me up, no chance of missed or lost doses and a more heroin-like effects profile, my treatment might be more effective and more controllable. I'm determined this time to put my hand up to go on clinical trials for this thing. I've been mentioning for years I'd like to trial a new treatment and have been consistently ignored. This time I shall make sure that does not happen. I think it's about time some druggiedoctors listened to me for a change...

I played a furry trick on Baby Itchy Roborovski earlier today by sneaking up on the Trotters as they dozed in their nest and poking in a chopstick. Itchy was curled up alone and I provided verbal sound-effects as she span round, violently to nibble at her sides: "Oh no I'm having an itchy moment. Aaargh! It's the mites ~ they've come back!! Oh no I've got an itchy bum now, oh dear..." No wonder my next door neighbour gives me the weirdest looks whenever we pass in the hall...

I hope you all had a merry itchy harvestmousey weekend, y'all with no 20-hour bouts of sleeping as I might do. They say it's a hard knock life and all (Mother Hubbard's granddaughter watched that film Annie about 25 times in the space of 3 weeks when she was three...)...

... which brings to mind that Austen Powers rendition of the Musical Standard. Have an Entertaining Week, y'all...(!)

Dr Evil (& Mini-Me) Hardknock Life...

11 comments:

Baino said...

Go for the trial, sounds promising as for poking hammies with a chopstick . . .well I guess it is Chinese New Year . . have a good one!

Akelamalu said...

You're sounding so positive about wanting to get clean Gleds - I'm so glad. :)

Bimbimbie said...

I'm with Baino Gleds get on the trial and awwww you rotter how could you poke your little sleeping hammies if they look as cute as this little one lol

... those new hob nobs look a little nice*!*

Jeannie said...

Pester the hell out of the doctors - the squeaky wheel etc. And good job staying clean even when it's not exactly comfortable.

Catvibe said...

Wow, best of luck with all of this. Perhaps now that our year (rat) is over, Ox, which is the guardian of Rat, will help you in this struggle. I'm glad you have this blog.

Puss-in-Boots said...

That skin insert thing sounds interesting, Gleds. Hope you can get into the trial.

Poking your hamsters when they're asleep like that...you're a mean father to your babies. Were you bored?

Syd said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I like the hamsters. Hopefully, they aren't vengeful for being poked.

Keep up your recovery. It's really worth it.

Lou said...

You are quite a prolific addict with all these blogs! This is interesting, I enjoy the British accent;) My thoughts are with you in any effort to get clean.

steveroni said...

Yes, I a.d.o.r.e. -BIG GRIN your English accent! Ha! (Wonder what I speak--Chinese? Well, about a third of the world DOES!)

I came here by way of Syd, noticed I am on you 'logroll--wonder why I didn't know that? Maybe I did!

Hey, whatever you're doing to get better (we never get "well"!) keep doing it. Plenty guys have made it out of the chaos. Plenty have not!

Pray for Gled!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood