HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, January 02, 2009

Grotesque

THE DEALER TOOK SO LONG this morning and I was resentfully waiting wound up into ever such a state that, despite over 80mg methadone (which I've been on every day so it's well entrenched in my system) that I found myself vomiting yellow bile. Yet telling myself that I wasn't really "sick", just winding myself up. Bile-retching is a big part of the withdrawal syndrome. But I'm telling myself it also had a lot to do with barely having eaten yesterday, partially because I was sulking due to "no gear".

My head has been shillyshallying both ways between dead-set on not using and "if it was here I'd be doing it right NOW". On the one hand I can put a sustainedly "clean head" on for several days at a time ~ which used to be near-impossible for me. But on the other I'm recognizing more and more the chinks in my armour and the feebleness of my desires to stop. I don't know how I'm ever going to make it happen now; it feels forlorn.

My new year's resolution was one I thought worth working on and that's to say bye-bye to crack. I say little about it here because there's little to say. You go up like a skyrocket. You come down. Most people want more and more and more. I've succeeded in reducing consumption to one £10 rock, once a week. And even if I DO find I have money "spare" that could go on it days later, it does not. Most of this coke gets mixed into heroin, which candifies it up massively. But that means that when I DO have crack I can easily get through a gram of the other in a day, which is way more than I want to be using. And just to explain to non-users: it might be easy to assume that "a gram" means a dosage unit but with heroin this is not the case. In fact a gram of the local street heroin is potent enough to kill a (non-tolerant) family of four. Most junkies would get between three and ten hits from a gram depending on how much they're used to using. I hate the fact I've turned into an opiate sponge. Almost anything I take seems to get soaked right up and barely touches the sides. My aim with heroin, if I can't stop completely, is to use as little as possible. All things are relative, anyhow. The more you take, the more you need. So you may as well take as little as possible ~ then you'll need less.

I got fluorescent vomit all over my notebook, which means I'll have to copy my shorthand lists of "brief forms" and other contractions into the volume I set aside as my "secret diary" (except half what's gone in there has been posted up here!) My searches online have revealed to me that after Mr Gregg's death around 1949, rights to his shorthand were bought by another company, who, through successive editions of the manual, progressively dumbed it down till it was nearly useless. My "simplified" textbook from 1950 is the least dumbed down version but I'm working on converting to the 1929 "Anniversary" version, which is the last edition Mr Gregg worked on and used himself. Writing shorthand is one thing: you've gotta be able to read it back! Hence the practice. I've wanted to learn this art since I was very little indeed and I'm not giving up now. Who knows... Someday I might even get a job out of it..?

Back to my addiction "issues"... thanks for all the comments everyone. I'm just getting tired of all my own words. Fed up of hearing them. But still, I've readlized, I don't have strength enough of desire to turn away. I just hope that meanwhile y'all don't get bored to death!!

Last but not least, purloined from my friend Welshcakes Limoncello's blog (what a funky screen-name!) is this polyglot HAPPY NEW YEAR message!!

26 comments:

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Nice picture of vomit Gledwood, I think I could have relied on my imagination to put a visual to your words ;)

Take er easy with the drugs man.

Later tater.

Gledwood said...

ta! have a fine 2009!!

Deadbeaten said...

Happy New Year, Gledwood. I enjoy reading about your life and experiencing what it's like to walk in your shoes. I wish you all the best.

Dying4Something2Live4 said...

Damn! I can't believe that you can fell any heroin over 80mills. of methadone! I'm on 70mills. and if I want to do heroin that day, I CANN0T DOSE!! And if I do, it'll be a complete and total 100% waste. BTW, that bile you were pucking up HAD to be from you building it up in your head! I could be wrong, I just can't see how you can be on that high of a dose and still get dope sick. that's crazyness! Good luck & Happy New Year 2 u!
-Kelley

Dying4Something2Live4 said...

Damn! I can't believe that you can fell any heroin over 80mills. of methadone! I'm on 70mills. and if I want to do heroin that day, I CANN0T DOSE!! And if I do, it'll be a complete and total 100% waste. BTW, that bile you were pucking up HAD to be from you building it up in your head! I could be wrong, I just can't see how you can be on that high of a dose and still get dope sick. that's crazyness! Good luck & Happy New Year 2 u!
-Kelley

David Tellez said...

What a lovely visual for a lovely post! LOL...Gled, was that really necessary? I mean, your words already say a lot, without any pictures. Don't add to it. Or if you do, at least warn people. Especially when they're eating sunny side up eggs!

Best of luck with your new years resolutions! I hope you achieve what you want and I hope, when I come back here to read your December 31 blog post, we'll both be able to cheer at your accomplishments!

Gledwood said...

Deadbeaten: I hope you never have to walk in my shoes... all the best 2u, 2...

Dying4something...: Even though I'd had the methadone it was holding me loose and thin, I know I was winding myself up but I also really didn't feel too good. All bellyachey etc etc. If I'd had to, I could have done the day feeling as I did and would have survived... I would not have been in a very good mood at ALL though ~ v much under the weather... I know what you're saying about methadone; it just does not work for me like it's meant to I think it's useless, especially considering x amount of methadone is meant to be y amount of heroin; but the y amount of heroin holds me so far FAR better it's incredible... this is MY methadone, held by me, nobody else has been near it. So I just don't get why this is the case I wish they'd prescribe something else I really do there are gerzillions of things they COULD prescribe instead but they just DON'T

DT: everybody seems to think that... my notebook looks like it's soaked in highlighter pen now..!

I was still a kid when I gave up on fried eggs especially horrifically large duck eggs: I loathed the sulphurous smell, like cooking quacking farts in a pan...

achievements? what achievements. if I have ANY in 12 months time that really shall be an achievement..!

Ces said...

Okay, I just came here to thank you for dropping in on my blog. Alas I see vomit on the floor, I can't keep reading, maybe next time your nausea and vomitting may have subsided and I will linger. Good luck Gledwood. Be strong.

Gledwood said...

Thanks!... I don't always post about the disinfectant-requiring aspects of my life... I also write about my hamsters and sad interior nondruggy monologue sometimes! Thanks for coming by!

Akelamalu said...

You do worry me Gleds. :(

Mizpeh said...

Hi Gleds

Thanks for the greeting on my blog. I do sincerely wish you a successful 2009. Undoubedly there will be setbacks, but you can (and I believe you WILL) make progress this year!

Btw, the puke picture reminds me how glad I am to be a "non-user" as you put it!

Hoping to see some improvement in your life ...

Liz said...

THis isn't like you, gleds. You're usually much more positive and up about giving up. I know it wil be hard; you know even more how hard it will be. But you can do it. However long it takes it'll be worth it.

I don't pretend to understand what it feels like but I do believe that you will be even more of a person than you are now. I mean you'er lovely now but there could be so much more to you and your life. i really believe that. I wnat to see you clean and i know you do too really in spite of your protestations or doubts here. You're throwing away your money and your life but we're sticking around and we'll still be here tomorrow. And the next day.

Ces said...

Yes, I know. I scrolled through. No problem. It seems your regular blogger friends don't seem bothered by it. Hey, friends ought to be able to take out vomit. right? Haha!

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: sorry I wish I could be frank withOUT worrying people... not possible, I spose... <:-<...

Mizpeh: thanks I hope that happens too... but I can't be passive-voice about it it's down to ME!!!

Liz: I feel that a lot of what I put about hamsters etc and stupid rhymes etc though "real" was a shillyshallying around the point. More recently I've found blogs from other usersk, addicts and people trying to recover and/or stop and I feel I ought to leave a witness to what life REALLY is like so that's part of it, more a change in perspective than a change in my life if you see what I mean

also though I realized that though I "thought" I wanted to be clean I've just not been putting in the welly I need to actually achieve that object and it's never going to happen unless i MAKE IT HAPPEN.. know what I mean

thank you for those remarks ;->...

Gledwood said...

Ces: sorry our messages literally crossed just now see the time ~ both 37 mins past the hr... yeah maybe they DO have strong stomachs but as I say I don't USUALLY post such gruesomeness and I've had at least 3 people saying in so many words "ugh you didn't need to SHOW us it..!"..!!

Laurie said...

Wishing you all the best in 2009. May it be the year you want it to be in every way.

Crushed said...

Hope you get through it Gleds.

Not sure I REALLY needed the pic though...

armme said...

Why not go up on your dose of methadone? Your barely at blocking dose (80-120mg) and you can obviously still get off on dope or you wouldn't be doing it.

Your goal right now should be getting on a dose that leaves you both withdrawal AND craving free. You'd be amazed how much better you will feel if you get to an adequate dose. What's the point of being on methadone if your still doing everything you were doing before you got on it?

There is no HIGH dose or LOW dose just the RIGHT dose! lol

Puss-in-Boots said...

Did we really need to see the puke, Gleds? Too much information, methinks.

You seem to be going through a crisis of some sort over the last week or so...what gives? Is it the last thoughts before giving up the stuff completely?????? Sort of regretful, yet reminiscent before going clean...makes me wonder.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Vomiting is never fun. Just ask Alex, he does it all the time.

Take care of yourself, my friend. You are very important to me and to this world. OK?

Alex sends (friendly) purrrrrrrrrrrrrs to the little ones.

Lavender said...

I often take pics of things folks would label "not prety", and as I take them I wonder what the hell I will do with the. Turns out I will save them, because, hey, you never know when you might need a pic of 'not pretty', and hell! Most of life is 'not pretty' anyway, so there! Ha ha!

But besides all that, Ive never encountered a blog so genuine about a topic that just scares the shit out of most people. Its so easy for Joe Average to think of people with drug addiction as "other" and just stereotype the crap out of them.
But people with drug addictions are people too, and this blog illustrates that so well - that may be the most confrontational part of it.
Good on ya!
Im afraid I sound like Im talking out of my ass, but will hope you know what I mean anyway.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Umm. Thanks for the graphic illustration. I can practically taste the bile in my own mouth. The video was much nicer fare. Peace. :)

Gledwood said...

Laurie: I hope so!

Crushed: yurp, I know it's a bit graphic but %-/

Armme: I know what you're saying I feel depressed at needing even MORE... I used to really feel held on 70mg now that amount wouldn't work %-/ (fully)

Pussinboots: you put your finger right on it (metaphorically) %-/

Gledwood said...

Nick: I once posted up a video of a cat that had fallen in love with a hamster... only in Japan!! Actually I might try and find it again...

Lavender: no you don't sound like you're talking outta your ass but I know how you feel... what can you say? but thanks for saying it ;->...

LoneGrey: isn't the video cool? I hope Welshcakes 4gives me for stealing it as I never asked and I never know protocol for these things

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood