HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Candy Craving

I HAVE THE MOST MASSIVE CRAVING FOR SWEETS AND CHOCOLATE TODAY... more to the point chocolate... dark chocolate. Ritter dark chocolate which is German and used to be called Halbbitter because it was 50% cocoa solids. Now it's 71% and even funkier. Nothing around (apart from the very posh stuff) gives a lovely bitter chocolate kick like this. So bad did this fixation become this afternoon I very nearly found myself shoplifting a block, which is so much not me. My own shoplifting career was short with a bitter ending (not nice-bitter like high-cocoa chocolate)... Even though most of my friends think I'm stupid not to lift easy basic things like pens, envelopes, etc, it's my particular scruple not to. Hard to explain why, but I'd rather pay my way. Anyway back to chocolate: first thing tomorrow morning and Ritter and I shall be as one (how sad). But hey at least I'm not writing about heroin! Probably this is what psychologists call a displacement activity. But hey ~ surely it's better to be "displaced", get chocolate-dirty and tubby yet remain heroin-clean (if that is possible...)

24 comments:

Jeannie said...

Much better. Chocolate - esp the high cocoa stuff has chemicals that fill our pleasure receptors or something like that. Like a high...or orgasm. I'm not too scientific as you can tell.

Nicole said...

Ritter Sport is one of my favourite chocolates!

sally in norfolk said...

well done for not shop lifting... tomorrow the chocolate will taste even better as you paid for it... :-)

My Daughter's Addiction said...

I'm not too scientific either...but I think there's something in chocolate that causes an increased in the dopamine in your brain. It also has something in it that increases feelings of well being. The darker the chocolate the better.

Good call on not stealing the chocolate...who would take care of your little robo's?

lettuce said...

chocolate-dirty sounds good
heroin-clean sounds even better

i hope 2009 will be a better and better year for you gled


(i was given some Bendick's bittermints for xmas. mmmmmmmmm)

Crushed said...

I eat a lot of kinder eggs. For the toys, yes. I actually carry them round me, they reduce my nervous tension.

Kind of a displacement activity.

Queenneenee said...

Yes my dear much better to be craving the chocolate than effin drugs, I'm glad to hear it!

Nellie said...

Chocolate, heroin, video games, sex, exercise, anything you really love to do - it all does the some thing to our heads. People get addicted to all sorts of stuff that makes them feel better. I had a running coach in high school who screwed up his leg and wouldn't stop running, he was all limping along because he needed the high. Crazy? He could have just as easily been a drug addict. The thing is, very few of the aforementioned activities produces quite as many endorphins as heroin, dopamine being paramount among them. Sweets can be awesome replacement for drugs sometimes, just don't overdo it. When I got off dope onto methadone I suddenly had overwhelming cravings for stuff I'd never wanted before - and seriously I gained like 65lbs. I'm losing it now that I'm almost off the methadone and can't eat a frickin thing. But for me right now I'm not sure you can really say that a life of being fat, miserable, and clean is better than being a thin, happy, junkie. As long as you take care of yourself and use clean stuff there is no reason you can't be a very healthy addict as long as you can maintain a good quality of life while using. Sorry to be so long-winded, that's just me.
Also, I never stole anything while using, but once I got "clean" (depending your opinion on methadone), I started stealing stuff. It started I guess because I literally had no money but I also liked the high it gave me, so good for you, stay away from the stealing, it's totally addictive.
N.

Freddy Flintstone said...

Check your email, Dude ;-)

Puss-in-Boots said...

I looooove dark chocolate...it's the only kind I eat. It's supposed to be less fattening that milk chocolate and actually quite good for us...how's that? Guilt free chocolate.

I'm glad you didn't nick it, Gleds. It'll taste so much better and some poor store owner won't be cursing you up hill and down dale for lowering his profit margin, lol.

CrystalChick said...

Mmmm.... dark chocolate!

We went to din at a friends house and we were in charge of bringing dessert. I made brownies with some powdered sugar sifted on top. Yummy.

Vincent said...

Thanks for not stealing. For every stolen item the shop has to sell 10 or 20 or 50 to make up for the loss. I learned this on one of my jobs while working in a DIY store :-)

Ritter chocolate is without doubt one of the best. I love the one with marzipan in it.

Excellent how you moved the Gabbly thing to the top by the way. Scrolling down was becoming quite a hassle.

Gledwood said...

Jeannie: you're "darn" right there!

Nicole: ;->... Ritter rules I far prefer it to Cadbury's. Lots of Brits won't eat anything other than Cadbury's Dairy Milk...

Sally: that's true and it did!

MDA: I heard dopamine plays a role in EVERY drug addiction, including cigarettes and alcohol and probably caffeine... it's the one we feel when "stimulated" (so uppers always go there), ecstasy/MDMA/etc primarily stimulate serotonin which is why it feels different and is less addictive than coke/speed. it also hits the dopamine button at higher doses, so I've heard. the active ingredient in chocolate they say is called phenylethylamine (PEA) which the expert on the subject, Alexander Shulgin says in his book Pihkal is not orally active. Though there's a chance that something ELSE in chocolate has a copilots effect and alters this... people really do seem to go for chocolate, especially women. Interestingly women seem to be able to take far more cocaine than men (a kind of urban not myth but wisdom, if you will...), whereas there seem to be at least TWICE as many male heroin addicts as women. I'd be fascinated to find out the whys and wherefores of all these things...

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Lettuce: cheers and to you hope you have a fine 2009 also... Bendixx: yum. Someone gave me a box of Thorntons darks (that is dark strawberry creams, dark hazelnut whirls etc etc)... very nice... ;->...

Crushed: I'm sure 99% of some people's LIVES is dislacement activity!!

Queenee: Aye! You're not wrong!!

Nellie: yup: kleptomania... I reckon heroin/drugs pull the lever behind a lot of other things we do... so when you leave drugs behind you'll start seeking out those "things"... ..?

Gledwood said...

dur that was me getting impatient pressing return twice

Gledwood said...

Freddie: OK man!

Puss-in-Boots: yes you're right about not nicking it... dark is less fattening per milk bc you get less hit per amount of fat and sugar... surely. All TRUE chocoholics, so they say, go for DARK over milk and I'm with them cocoa-addicts!

Crystalchick: I once made an ultra strong chocolate cake... it was a friend of mine who pointed out that so many "chocolate" cakes/etc are merely brown and sugary whereas mine was bitter and proper cocoa-flavoured... I also did a lemon one with juice and zest: that was lovely. Next time I'll do chocolate-tangerine-lemon-lime with and overdose of everything~~ yumMEEEEEEE :->...

Vincent: you know lots of my local shops actually BUY stuff they know is shoplifted... buy it wholesale from druggies ... e.g. branded headache pills... posh dark chocolate was another: Green & Blacks brand. Honestly I would not have believed that went on until the tealeaf herself told me!! Also I wondered why suddenly this posh chocolate was appearing all up the high road and not in the proper display box... same with headache pills and now I know. When I expressed mild surprise she stared back at me like: don't you know the score ...? Well not about THAT no I did not!! That absolutely amazed me, did that...

jmb said...

Oh I'm definitely a chocoholic and Ritter dark chocolate with Hazelnuts would be my choice every time.

I hope you enjoyed some dark Ritter today.

How are you doing Gleds, long time no see. I have been having a poke around, seeing what you have been up to.

One day you'll be clean, I'm sure of it. You are too smart not to eventually make it.

Gledwood said...

Unfortunately I'm not sure "intelligent" quite cuts it against hard drugs... but I appreciate the thought

Ritter Dark with hazelnute, yeah you're right and they sell that one down the road

Baino said...

Lindt make a decent 70% to 90% dark chocolate too!

My Daughter's Addiction said...

I just noticed my initials are MDA...hmmm I should have thought about that...

Gledwood said...

Baino: too posh for me!... and how typical I patronizingly explain just what Ritter is not realizing the entire world seems to eat it!!!

MDA: o yeah!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood