HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, April 06, 2009

I Look Like Jerry Springer!


MY FRIEND MOTHER HUBBARD tidied up my hair, which I cut off Saturday in four hacks of the nail scissors. It had grown into a longhair gormless hippie-curtains look that really didn't suit me. Made me look like that old wino in Shameless more than anything... I don't regret cutting it one single bit (not like I thought I would). The asymmetry is gone, but I'm thinking when I do get it cut next time I might go for an asymmetric style. Let's face it, that's about the last chance I'll get before I'm too old for that kinda thing... Looking down at the long haircroppings I'm surprised what a rich-'n'-shiny chestnut brown they are. Precisely the sort of colour you'd find on one of the darker dye packets. When I was little it was so light it went almost white in summer. Now I think of it as "mouse". I don't know whether to leave it be colour-wise or else go for blond (dead easy ~ it still bleaches naturally in the sun ~ that streaky surfer look ~ and would be fairer if only I'd not kept it covered practically 24-7 with a hat because I hated that longhaired non-style so badly). Now I look something like Jerry Springer, though I have to say every time I stare at it in the mirror I'm telling myself this is too long. The only shade I can think of is dark red. I'm just not 100% sure. I don't want to go round looking like a heroin-addicted lesbian...

I'm getting more and more wound up these days. I woke up this morning at 7am which was exactly an hour and 20 minutes earlier than convenient for me. I was in a sweat and feeling weary, ill and cold. I drank all the methadone I'd saved for this eventuality and yelled and threw the measure across the room. I'm getting more and more wound up lately and wish there was some way of loosening up. As I said last post I've found myself screaming and banging my head on the wall and I can't forget it because there's a horrible mark in the cheap plasterboard where I'd smacked it so...

Mother Hubbard let me bury Itchy in her garden where various people's ashes lay "at rest" (so she says) and various cats. I helped her bury the last one. He was a beautiful ginger tomcat who ruled the local streets. Her husband says he's found him roaming the mainline railtracks, which are the best part of a mile away. He mee-yaowled at him, hopped up on the platform and accompanied him home like a dog... She gave me all tissues and a paper bag to put Itchy in but in the end I trowelled out a hole a few inches deep and put her straight in. Why pad her out and make a great mound out of it? I put her straight in the earth, the way I'd like to go. Hopefully nature will take its course as quickly as possible.

Both had a good look at her and were amazed at how tiny she is. Itchy and Bashful are both like that, not round like "proper" roborovskis (as Spherical is) but more bullet-shaped like babies. They're hardly short of food, but nothing I've tried ever seemed to build them up. They stayed tiny and Baby Itchy was tiniest of all... I've been told they were probably "runts". Poor swines!

I've already had half a gram of heroin this morning and done most of the food shopping. One glance in the mirror ten minutes ago and I looked mashed out of my head. That's the great thing about junkie semi-retirement and using in "moderation": my tolerance has dropped over the years. I'm constantly telling myself I'm too old for this, and weary. But somehow the balances are still weighted on heroin's side. I'm still telling myself it won't always be that way...

I'm scared I'll get more tired and older and pass the age Jerry Springer is now and still have achieved nothing worthwhile in life. Strange: I think back to when I was young and full of daydreams and plans (for better or worse I never distinguished the two). Never once in a million years did I look forward to a life of doing nothing.

Even though I always wanted to be rich and successful (was the only one in an entire careers class who ticked the top-end box when asked how well we wanted to do in life; the other boxes staggered down progressively past "comfortably off" and obscene mediocrity) I never ever fantasized about having riches I'd not won fair and square (unlike the dreadful youth of today). It wasn't so much status I was after as security ~ though I'd always wanted to achieve my "full potential". I daydreamed recurrently about "business ideas". It was the doing I dreamed of, and doing more and more and more before I died. Never lazing around ~ in luxury or in squalor. I always used to have a sense of time running too rapidly by and knowing I'd have to rush to get my ambitions completed while time was still on my side. It wasn't just drugs that knocked me off course. There were years of misery and exhaustion when I was variously diagnosed with CFS and depression.

I still have the special feeling today, but its muted by the haze I live in and I've lost confidence in getting the cooker cleaned and the shopping done before my head's done in ~ let alone achieving these ambitions to rock my people's world with stories bursting out inside me I'm still desperate to tell...

OK well that's about that for today. I "must rush to catch the post" as I'd say in a letter to my late Gran. Cheerio folks; Godwilling I'll be back for yous all tomorrow...

Robo-pixx: Bashful and Itchy look/-ed like these bullet-bodied juveniles; Spherical resembles this white-faced full-bodied "specimen" who possibly has packed pouches...

PS: top ~ that's what "him from Shameless" (Frank Gallagher) looks like (so did I):

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING IDLE by OASIS
This tune goes around and around in my head...



BETTER IN TIME ~ LEONA LEWIS ~ JASON NEVINS REMIX
I love the voice and her; but I wish she'd do a u-turn from the Aguilera/Carey route and do more stuff that shows off her talent better:




19 comments:

Puss-in-Boots said...

What's happened to the book, Gleds? Has your current glitch killed the muse?

Gledwood said...

how did you know?

Jeannie said...

I always thought I'd accomplish more too - and I never got sidelined by drugs. I'm not doing nothing all day but I'm doing nothing much toward what I wish I were doing so we are in the same boat - don't be too hard on yourself. I think there are probably more people like us than either of us can imagine.

Gledwood said...

o yeah. and how many people grow up with dreams only to spend the entirity of their energy in a 9-5. in a way they're wasting their time just as badly as I am...

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I work a 9-5 and spend my off time engaging in activities that I love. I think it is about balance.

Gattina said...

You can always dye your hair in green that would look ecological ! and for doing stupid things there is no age. Never say I am too old, what should I say with one foot in my grave ?

Syd said...

I work for state government and have seen and done a lot of stuff, plus had a career that I've loved. And on my off time, I do a lot of things as well. It is about living and loving life. And I still have a lot more that I want to do.
Glad that Itchy had a good burial. She was so cute.

Akelamalu said...

I've done a 9 - 5 job most of my life, don't knock it Gleds, it pays the bills, pays for holidays and fun times. It also gives a sense of pride in that I'm beholden to no-one, it isn't wasting time m'dear and yes your comment did piss me off every so slightly. :(

I'm glad you gave Itchy a nice send off.

WAT said...

Dear Gleds,

But it is in your frank and honest admissions such as this post where you have to realize that your life has value! I love this entry!

Hey did you feel the earthquake all the way over there in England they had in Italy?! AHAHAHAHA! So now I have an idea of who or what you look like. Cool! JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!

Gledwood said...

O no! Sorry I wasn't knocking 9-5s. When I did work I dreamt of doing those hours (mine tended to be earlies or lates, depending. Or part time that I didn't want.) What I was saying was you CAN waste away in such a job. My best job was in the print dept of a newspaper doing nights. I had no social life but my social life was there. I was sad to leave but they wouldn't give me a permanent contract. So I fled town, came back 6 months later and of course everyone who'd joined when I did and stuck it out had been taken on properly...

ps when I left they had to replace me with 2 people!

Baino said...

That's it! A part time job perhaps? Just enough to distract you for a few hours, get you out and about. Doesn't have to be anything flash! I have a 9-5 and I hate it. Not the hours, just the job. Just there to pay the bills but at my age, choices are limited so

Gledwood said...

I'm thinking of trying voluntary work. Not logchopping anyone can do it, but something to get more experience than I'd be allowed in a paid post, y'know...

WAT said...

P.S. I have a 9-5 and it's a bore and an almost complete waste of time for me. UGH. It pays bills, but at the expense of my creativity and dreams.

Terry Wright said...

Sorry to hear about Itchy.

Life's like that. Just when you think it can't get worse ... it does.

I'm a bit like you at the moment, G. I can't be bothered doing anything but I'm bored out of my mind. I find I just sit at my PC going over the same old stuff all day. Arhhhh, the joys of substitution treatment.

Gledwood said...

Wat: that was my biggest nightmare. To get subsumed into 9-5 and give up my dreams. I wanted to have dreams fulfilled PLUS bills paid, know what I mean...

Terry Wright: miseries, you mean {;-<...

kellylebelly said...

What did you do in the print department? I'm a graphic designer, was it print production/press passing/artworking?

xK

Akelamalu said...

Don't worry I've not taken offence m'deario! :)

Voluntary work sounds a great idea and who knows it could lead to something permanent. You just have to decide which field you want to volunteer for. :)

Liz Hinds said...

I think 'him from Shameless' is gorgeous! I love long hair on a man.

Gledwood said...

:SORRY i DIDN'T REALIZE THESE FURTHER COMMENTS WERE HERE TILL TODAY WHICH IS ABOUT THE 312th May 2010

KELLY: I would have loved to train up for graphic design. Most of the time I was inputting ad copy into an antiquated (even at the time in 1993 it was old) greenscreen mainframe terminals computer. Each bit of text had to be a separate "block" to be clicked on separately by the Quark operative (though they didn't use Quark but a cheap PC-based alternative everyone hated)

AKELAMALU: maybe media. I was at a TV station before; it was fascinating

LIZ: well mine's all gone! You really like him? Liz, really!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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