HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hardcore Hebrew. Because I'm Really Depressed...

I'VE FOUND A COPY OF THE MOST hardcore Hebrew course you can get. I want to learn the same language carved out by the finger of God on those 10 Commandment stones.

It's the now out-of-print Linguaphone course with cassettes. Of the three textbooks, two are exclusively in Hebrew print. The tapes are exclusively in Hebrew. No prompts or explanations in English.

The Handbook explains in English supposedly all you need to know.

I'm glad I troubled to learn the alphabet beforehand; otherwise it'd all be:
השם עבר מופיע בתנ"ך כשמו של סבו של אברהם אבינו. המושג "עברי" נזכר בתנ"ך פעמים רבות
to me ...

Now I just need to get a working cassette player so I can use the thing ..!

Yeah I'm tired and depressed but what's new? I'm psyching myself up for spending the rest of my forseeable life on methadone without any freedom OR a lovely hit of "B" on the horizon ...

Back to the faintly religious theme, I do believe this is what "faith" is about. The willingness to take a leap into seeming hopelessness of pitch dark, knowing it's the best thing and trusting all will come out right in the end...

Where or when-ever "the end" might be. That's what I've always found so hard about methadone, as I posted the other day. The whole experience feels like an endless pointless drag with no hope in view.

I don't know quite what else to say, but I'm giving it a shot ...


Linguaphone, Rosetta stone and other language methods compared, homepage ...

Rosetta Stone review ...

Top illustration: Dead Sea scrolls fragment ...


Here's a 50 Cent track about heroin. Thanks to Clarity In Muddy Waters who listed the words ...


Syd said...

You're amazing with all the languages you learn. Good for you.

Gledwood said...

Aye I'd be bored ****less if I didn't.

Also it was one thing I promised myself aged about 7, to learn how to speak "foreign" ...

Chic Mama said...

You really are torturing yourself aren't you......(pictures) Hope you're feeling a bit better soon.

Jeannie said...

I always wanted to learn Hebrew as well - was very disappointed when we went to see the Dead Sea Scrolls - many Jewish people were reading them! but not me.

So is there no end for you? You need either heroine or methadone forever? Or is it actually possible to get off the methadone too eventually?

Baino said...

Hey stick with the methadone. Think of all the money you'll save then you can go to Israel and speaka da lingo with the natives.

Akelamalu said...

I'm glad to hear you've giving it a shot! :)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm really depressed, too, right now, Gleddy. Not sure why. It's nothing I can point to specifically. My life is going fairly well. I never know when the black dog is going to visit. I just try to sleep more and ride it out.

Sending love. You are not alone.


Gledwood said...

CHIC MAMA: oh ~ the funny writing? Yeah but I just remind myself how many millions of Hebrew speakers just glance at that and it's probaby as banal to them as one of my shopping lists ... know what I mean ..?

BAINO: ken! ("Aye!" in Hebrew...)

JEANNIE: oh yes. I'd only take methadone to get off it. Don't understand people who want to remain forever on a flat dose. And I don't see why methadone reduction should ever be painful. Surely if you got 1mg short you'd not notice. So why not reduce at 1mg per week? That's what I say ...

AKELAMALU: indeedy!

SB: I know exactly how you feel. Get well soon ...



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood