HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Methadone Purgatory

I DON'T KNOW WHY IT IS, and I wish I could change my attitude, but every day on methadone is a miserable day. Nothing ever seems to fit, nothing sticks. Nothing's ever right. The only way I manage it is by keeping self and money strictly separate and avoiding venturing anywhere non-essential till after 5:30, by which time the Post Office is closed. I don't keep any money in a cashcard account.

One of the Operatives who run the antidruggie Groups and Workshops and the Operative who interviewed me about my Mental Health History both seem to feel this is some sort of underlying depression manifesting as soon as heroin's not there screening it off.

I used to think it was just that I wanted an excuse to use, that my heart wasn't in the right place and that my attitude was wrong. But now I'm starting to believe perhaps these people have a point ...

It's not like I have nothing to do, but the last 3 days nothing could engage me, nothing distracted me. I was doing "really well". Though I got highly annoyed waking up feeling rattled and slightly nauseous every morning until the methadone came on gradually, like a high tide, hiding the wasteland beach of my despair~(!!)

Heroin's far more efficient. It hits like a tsunami. No messing about there.

Even professional drugs services ~ detox units and the like hate methadone. They advise on the record to avoid methadone as far as possible in the week before Rapid Detox because methadone stays in the body an inordinate length of time and drags out withdrawal symptoms horrifically.

I know one particular individual who was forced to come off methadone in prison some years ago and refuses to touch it to this day, it was such a harrowing experience.

I don't know what I'm going to achieve by saying this but just wanted my say ~ moan moan moan moan moan.

Cheerio now!


Illustration: top right, a model African Pygmy Hedgehog. I just thought I'd distract yous all with something more exciting to you than the predictable methadone-bottle post-illustration ...

Centre: sorry. Methadone clinic, Germany.

Bottom right, for those who missed it in Furry Friday on Saturday, a New Zealand hedgehog. Aren't they the cutest..?!?


MUSIC!
THE CARPENTERS ~ RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS



~ and here's another!! ~

CARPENTERS ~ WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN





10 comments:

Syd said...

Those hedgehogs are adorable. I've never seen a photo of one. Really neat. My greyhound has a toy one that she likes to squeak.

Fishwhiskers said...

Gled ... after years of coming off heroin, I still get the same empty feelings as you describe. However, that should NOT stop you to carry on with detox. Mind you, it is disputable that Methadone is actually detox. How much are you on now, how fast do you have to reduce? If there is anyway I can help you, let me know. After all, I am not that far away and I do have a phone! If you want to email me, let me know and an I gladly give you my addy. Good luck with it all for now .... I will be thinking of you. K x

Baino said...

Sounds hard Gleds but it's better than the alternative. Try to stay with it and Fishwhiskers is offering real life support there, you should take her up on it. A problem shared is a problem halved, I really believe that.

Lori said...

Hello from across the pond. First time here and I shall return. I am very pro methadone. Whatever works to make you have a better quality of life, in the states we call it harm reduction. Certain feelings pass if you wait them out. BTW, The Carpenters? Wow, you took me waaayyyy back...Peace!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Whew, Gleds! It seems that methadone is just as bad in its own way as heroin. But, depression can be resolved if you're willing to try it so why not give it a try? It may make withdrawal easier for you...

I used to love the Carpenters...Karen's voice is like velvet honey...

I haven't seen a hedgehog for years...we don't have them here only echidnas or spiny anteaters as they can be referred to.

Take care, Gleds.

Gledwood said...

SYD: hey and here we get them in our gardens for FREE! I wonder how much an African Pygmy costs in a NYC pet "store"..?

FISHWISKAS: thank you very much. I will give you my email

BAINO: absolutely

LORRI: yes I think I should just stick with it

PUSSINBOOTS: I think I just have to learn to stick with the methadone, surely ... it's a lot better than nothing

Chic Mama said...

Hey! One day at a time right!! Yeah.....:0(

I admire what you're doing,your post made me sad too. My husband is an addict...yet he denies it. We're getting divorced, have 5 children.Everything is falling apart etc....
I like reading your blog- sorry, don't know what else to say...:0)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

That hedgehog is the cutest thang EVER.

Love you, Gleddy.

SB

Fishwhiskers said...

Ok Gled ... but email me at karina.stoitzner@btinternet.com ... the one i use for google acc is redundant ... x

Anonymous said...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood