HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Just Before The Weekend


I HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM last night. That I was drawn into the most gigantic cave I've ever seen. A "cathedral cave" I think some people would call it. The entrance was over six storeys high and draped with what seemed to be amazingly patterned spiders' webs or dreamcatchers. You can see a dreamcatcher illustrated to the left. One of the hippie techno-trance clubs I used to frequent back in the "day" hung these all over the place. They're some Native American hocus that New Age types like to hang over their beds to "catch" the bad dreams or nightmares. But I have to say the one night I did spend under such a "catcher" I had the worst nightmares I had experienced in many a long year. This incidentally was the bed of an unnamed individual associated with the Hippie Trance Club I mentioned. At the club, incidentally, I think they were there to capture people's bad trips from the psychedelic "candy" folks were wont to imbibe there. (I distinctly remember a "designer" drug called 2CB was all the rage at that time.) I'm not sure that worked either ... the dreamcatchers not the 2CB ...

I can't remember too much about this dream, apart from the most amazing cave entrance... and once I got in there I discovered a wonderland too fantabulous for words ... Which is a neat cop-out, as I had the dream at about ten in the morning (I always dream heavily whenever I sleep in) and it's now past eight at night.

In other words I've forgotten nearly all of it. But I do remember it featured red London buses, international travel (within the cave) and a very trendy nightclub-type bar. Which is no connexion with the hippie trance party I mentioned earlier, as the bar there did hardly any business at all, except in bottled water. People who went there were far more interested in whooshing the night away on "E"s or trips ...

Now on to hamsters. People have asked, have I considered getting new ones? Yes I might get Siberian hamsters, or "winter whites" as they're sometimes called. Twice as big as roborovskis and about half as big as a "regular" hamster, these are social dwarf species who, unlike robbies, don't mind being handled and can get extraordinarily tame, if treated in a patient way ...

And that's about all I have to say. You can read more about Siberian hamsters in tomorrow's Furry Friday on Saturday ~ which comes online at midnight 01 hours local time ... that's about 10 or 11 am Australian time, and 7pm Eastern; 4pm Pacific for you Americans ... oh yeah and 1am in most of continental Europe.

Anyhow I must dash off now ... Cheerio for now!!/Ta-tar!! ...

Illustrated: a dreamcatcher; various caves; roborovski hamster; winter white Siberian hammy ...


Puss-in-Boots said...

Interesting dream, Gleds. Quite a nice one though by the sound of it. However, I'm not going to analyse it because I don't know how. Doesn't matter anyway, if it was a good dream, it's to be enjoyed and missed when you wake to be disappointed to learn it isn't real...

Baino said...

I love caves. We have some amazing ones about two hours drive from Sydney at Jenolan. I took my Irish friend there during the summer, they stay a constant temperature which was amazing considering it was about 40 outside! Go the hammies! They'll give you a reason to get out of bed sleepy Jean!

Gledwood said...

PUSSINBOOTS: last night I dreamt I met Madonna who told me to dress up as her in a blonde wig for a "talent" competition. But as soon as it started I nearly got kidnapped by some gay men and Madonna was nowhere to be seen ... also I dreamt I was sleeping out in the next door neighbour's garden. Woke up with the radio playing (blah blah blahing the news) ... then woke up properly and realized even that radio programme I'd been listening to was yet another dream!

BAINO: I luurve caves. When I was younger I wanted to go caving when I "grew up" ...

Syd said...

I like caves too. Have been in a few. We have some that are open to tourists over here. Wonderful places. I remember how it felt to be in them. I wanted to go exploring.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood