HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

No More Pumblechooks For The Trotters


NO MORE TROTTERS AT ALL, in fact. with poor Spherical having passed away in her sleep mid-afternoon.

I am hamsterless and bereft.

Not long ago I still had three tiny trotters in a tank, just like tiny meerkats they loved one another and did everything together.

Itchy was the tiniest and bottom peck. Poor swine! This meant the other two treated her as their baby, grooming her half to death. Every day, when she was young, she would appear soaking wet from the (literal) licking her older sisters inflicted on her. Wet fur bashed up all over the place, she looked like a Porkshire terrier that had just got out of the bath.

Bashful took it on herself to be chief housemaid. When I gave them paper strips and cardboard, she chewed these into a nest. Hence the scruffy appearance of their former nest-collection (they rotated every few days, between three or four nests, all hamster made like the one I videoed). This is the one piece of film of the trotters (see yesterday's post) I managed to take and it's a miracle it ever got on Youtube at all, as I hadn't a clue how to put it on. The internet shop man very kindly did all the clicks for me ...

Spherical was so named because, compared to the others, she always seemed so enormously tubby. Looking at other people's roborovskis online from time to time I used to think, Why are my hammies so tiny? It turned out the smaller two were "runts". They never got any bigger than juvenile size, and died the first. But "Spherical" for all her tubby name, was really of normal robo-build. She was 5cm/2in long, about the length of my thumb.

The roborovskis used to sleep all in a heap in the same nest. At one point they had a lightbulb box full of seeds. It was my way of making sure they always had an emergency supply of food but they turned it into a bedroom. When I used to appear cooing with more dindins their three little pink noses would appear quivering at the entrance hole as if to say "What is this? Why are you disturbing us this early. You know we're nocturnal ..."

But it's no more pumblechooks from now on. These pumbles are the interior seedheads from red peppers, which they adored. Pumblechooks not to be confused with bumblechooks (from green peppers), tumblechooks (from yellow ones) or kermumblechooks (yellow ones with green blobs on). And if you believe that, you'll believe anything. I might be mad but I'm not that loopy
;->...

What shall I do now? This is the end of an era.

A grand state funeral is in order ...

... I don't know.

RIP THE TINY TUBBY TROTTERS.

14 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Adorable photos, Gleddy. I am so sorry for your loss.

I have 3 cats and a dog, and they are like my kids. I would be so bereft if anything happened to them.

Sending love and sympathy,

SB

Syd said...

Not Spherical! Oh no...I'm so sorry. I feel as if I've come to know them through your posts.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I'm so sorry, GLeds. I shall miss her. I wish I was over there to give you a hug.x

Lou said...

I'm curious, I don't think hamsters, especially runts, live that long. Was this about an average life span for them?

I think you should get some more. They gave you a lot of pleasure.

Baino said...

What should you do now? Clean out the cage, put in some new pumblechooks and bedding and buy three more hammies. If you have something to look after it will help you look after yourself.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Aww, poor little hammy and poor Gleds, too. Are you going to get any more? It's the best way of getting over loss sometimes, but you may need to bit of time, too.

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Shalom Alaikhem

I'm so so sorry to hear about Spherical. As I said before, Itchy was always my favourite and she went first.

I think you should def get more. I couldn't bear the void left behind. Pets are meant to be good for people with mood disorders.

I've got a cat and it's weird to think if all goes well, I'll be an old lady by the time he goes (he's only 3 now). I got him for company but also for something to care for other than myself. I liked the responsibility (some people will find that odd considering I'm an addict and clinically depressed).

take care
big gigantic hug
Kelly xxxxxxxooooooo

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Kelly,
I've missed you. I wondered how you were doing. I was just thinking of you yesterday.

I'm clinically depressed, too. We have so much in common! Laugh. I do find the pets help. I now have 3cats and a dog.

[Sorry to hijack your comments page, Gleddy. I just wanted to say hi to Kelly.]

Love,

SB

Akelamalu said...

Aw what will you do now for company? :(

Gledwood said...

SB: thank you. Hey I could have a cat now! No I couldn't. Unless it were to be an American-style housecat, that is ...

SYD: aye ...

WELSHCAKES: ;-<...

BAINO: I might do that. I might get winter whites. More about them in Furry Friday on Saturday ...

LOU: the two years they did is a perfectly respectable age, but they can, reportedly do 3.5 four or even five years ...

Gledwood said...

PUSSINBOOTS: see Furry Friday (on Saturday, of course...)

KELLY: I know I am a bit pissed off they're ALL GONE now... but on the other hand, one reason I chose such ultra-small animals is that they do live a short time and I don't know where I'll be in 10 years ~ I mean the issue even came up when I talked about moving to Europe, know what I mean ...?

SB: you're welcome ;->...

AKELAMALU: I don't know ...

:-<...

Sweden said...

SB i'm manic depressive ive been on Zyprexa an anti psychotic medication that HAS been working, just lately i noticed ive been depressed again me and my doctor are working on it.

GLEDWOOD, im so sorry to hear your last baby died :(
now they are all in hamster heaven, or maybe we all share the same place, i dont know these things
so sorry gleds :( :(

Gledwood said...

probably they're still trying to run three at once on that big wheel in the sky ...

Anonymous said...

I understand your loss because I was upset when my rabbit and first hamster died. She was a Chinese dwarf and only live for 4 in owning her. I have 2 fat Roborovskis and one day they will be gone.
Horrible to see an animal who is live and well one day and dead the next.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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