HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Paperweight Suicide

AS Y'ALL MAY HAVE NOTICED I've been posting picture-stories for the past few days. I was feeling too bitter and depressed for many words.

At the weekend I had hideous ghoulish nightmares that culminated in a bizarre situation where I was deliberately drowning myself in thousands of litres of clear-casting resin. If the suicide had been successful I would have been preserved for ever as a man-sized psychedelic paperweight.

(But Why~??!?)

But of course, just as the suffocating gloop overwhelmed my lungs I woke up gasping ~ drowning in my own perspiration.

I HAVE A NEW favourite TV programme ~ THE RAT PACK! ~ about pest control.

Star of the show is Charlie, the rat-catching jack russell:



Betty la fea

Here's some telehilarity. The original Columbian telenovela upon which Ugly Betty is based!

15 comments:

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Hi there Gleds! Popped by to say y'ello! Bit disappointed to find out that you are down :( I have been watching True Blood recently (HBO series on vampires) you should check it out. I was told that it just came out over there. BTW, going to be in your neck of the woods fer Xmess! Woop! xx

Gledwood said...

I'm far better now thanxx Especially after I escaped drowning in my liquid lifesize paperweight ...
NB hurrah!!
But you do realize we barely EVER get proper white ones here don't you. It's crap

Gledwood said...

note to self: remember this one ~ cats blog

http://momoandco.blogspot.com

Baino said...

Aww need one of those foxies when it rains heavily for prolonged periods. I have them in the horse feed shed ad man can they poo!

Margaret Cloud said...

Coming by to say thanks for stopping and leaving a comment. Nothing personal but I can not stand that show "ugly Betty". Hope you are having a nice week.

Jeannie said...

A reality show about pest control? Crazy.

Wish I understood Portuguese...

molson said...

Charlie rocks. Bad news for the rats when Charlie starts rooting around. I could use Charlie around my crap hole. Fortunately I know how to use traps to maximum effect since Charlie is half a continent and one ocean away.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Sorry you've had the blues, Gleds. Not nice. I used to like Ugly Betty when it was on. The guy who played the boss used to be my next door neighbour...a gang of us use to go to the Friday night dances and Alan Dale was one of them.

Elaine said...

I've never seen Ugly Betty. In fact I haven't seen most things on TV!

That dream was awful. More of a nightmare if you ask me....

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I hope you are feeling much better by now. And not having nightmares any more.

It was sad about poor little Sam the
Koala, but she was going to have much pain and die, so at least it is over for her.

Take good care of yourself, With very
best wishes, Merle.

Akelamalu said...

I've been watching the Rat Pack too. Anything that gets rid of rats (though it's an impossible task I know) is fine by me!

Mizpeh said...

Gleds - are you an undercover agent for the Aussie cops? lol
...

"Strike Force Gledwood"

http://www.illawarramercury.com.au/news/local/news/general/murder-charge-over-pheasants-nest-body-parts/1594003.aspx

Gledwood said...

AARGH i CAN'T EVEN REPLY TILL TOMORROW AS IT'S ABOUT TO TIME ME OUT %-/...

Gledwood said...

Baino: what foxxies~??!?

Margaret Cloud: you're more than welcome. I dropped through via friends of friends ... my "bloghopping" hobby.

Ugly Betty was on last night here and I really couldn't be bothered with it.

It repeats Sunday afternoons when I'm far more in tune with the show.

I find it really funny. I love Vanessa Williams's "Wilhelmina" ~ classic ;->...

Jeannie: o yeah. You obviously haven't seen A Life of Grime ~ the alltime classic of the genre.

SPANISH!! Portuguese is Brazil and this is Columbian (so I heard...)

Molson: when I've time I'll post up Charlie's best ratcatching episode in someone's living room. It was fantastic. 5 secs of neckshakings and one loud squeak and the poor rodent's gone for good ...

Puss In Boots: I'm feeling better though (apart from sleeping half a DAY last night ...

I think the set at "Mode magazine" is fantastic ...

Gledwood said...

Elaine: o yeah a terrible nightmare. Usually I can't remember what my nightmares are about... just some terrible struggle to put something right that's gone wrong and not quite being able to manage it ...

Merle: that poor koala. I don't quite understand what the cysts were..? What a nasty aftermath to burns, just when everyone's expecting her to be OK

Akelamalu: rats is the one thing I'd not be able to do in that job. And pigeons. I'd feel too sorry for them.

Wasps and cockroaches though ~ I'm yer man!

Mizpeh: shit! I'm rumbled!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood