HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Jaundiced Under The Sun

I WAS PULLING OLD NEWSPAPERS out of my bag yesterday. I am forever cluttered with newspapers. Old newsppaers. We get three daily ones free here (though one closed down due to recession ~ so now two). I am forever burdened down with newsprint. At least if I get caught short with diarrhoea I'll not be without wipes.

Anyway there I am, hovering by the telephone and cable TV substsation (dark green box under a bush at the end of the street) when an old lady hobbled past me.

She was soon accompanied by a middle aged grey-haired man. He looked like he'd spent the past 40 years swigging beer in an easy chair in front of the TV; she looked like a retired meths drinker.

Neither of them recognized me and I thought what a terrible thing this alcohol and drug addiction are, wrecking people's lives.

As soon as she recognized me she squarked and nearly spilled the rremains of the cyder she was swilling. At one point we shared the same druggieworker who came from South Wales so she kept asking me to do my impression and nearly pooed herself cackling. (So those newspapers would most definitely have come in handy.)

They both asked me whether I'd stopped taking gear and remared how tidy and smart I looked. He claimed not to have done gear in eight months. I think the flat tone of my answer gave away my disbelief.

I couldn't really tell them they looked well as they didn't. I quickly realized the yellow tone of her sink wasn't most probaby a suntan at all but jaundice. She was in a terrible state. Flyaway-haired, painfully thin (like my friend Lucky used to be before she died)... she looked worn-out and frazzled. He just seemed worn-out.

And then they were gone. Weaving along the back ways home. Whether or not he or they both gave up heroin, alcohol's obviously a big part of their lives and it's very sad. Apart from that I don't know what to say ...


Akelamalu said...

Has seeing them in such a state put you off drugs and drink? I hope so. x

Syd said...

Gleds, alcohol and drugs take a toll and eventually more and more cells start to die. Physiologically it's like slow suicide.

Baino said...

Hopefully you won't end up like that. It's not a good look nor feeling. My father died from liver cancer (not from any abuse but metastatic cancer affter a bowel cancer) and his skin went yellow. His eyes looked like those in your photo here. Use it as impetus to give up the 'gear'.

Jeannie said...

How very sad.

My Daughter's Addiction said...

It is sad what happens to people...Because you noticed it and it made you sad definitely means one thing...you're headed in the right direction. Hang in there Gleds....only positive, happy thoughts, okay?

Sweden said...

I was in love and dated this guy Drew Gates for 2 years, he was from australia and a recovering heroin junky, he was still doing loads of drugs, oxy, valium, weed, dexterin, etc etc and an alcoholic, anyway he wrote a book called "the crooked beat" about when he traveled to thailand and india and being a junky, very entertaining book, you should check it out. you can buy it online.
one time he got cotton fever from shooting up oxy (have u ever gotten cotton fever????)
and i had to take care of him and he admitted to shooting up he had kept it a secret from me.

i just got back from buying 10 oxy 80's and ive been waiting for them for a week i thought i was gonna go fucking nuts i needed them so badly. i dont blog about being a dryggy cause friends and fam reads my blog and i dont want them to know cause they think i quit. so shhhhhh our little secret.

Puss-in-Boots said...

It would be hard to know what to say, Gleds. It's very sad, though.

lettuce said...

really sad Gled.

Gledwood said...

AKELAMALU: yes definitely. And I used to be worse than that. Far scruffier, anyhow ...


BAINO: definitely!!

JEANNIE: I know :-<...

Gledwood said...

MDA: I actually do feel quite positive ... for a change ..!!

SWEDEN: cotton fever they call a "dirty hit" here and I tried looking it up. It seems bacteria injected straight in the bloodstream cause an instantaneous reaction. I had it a few times but only once really seriously I was puking so much I could barely walk the next day !!!

secret: OK but what happens if/when you really can't get them that must be an absolute nightmare ..?!!!

PUSSINBOOTS: yep, sure is. I'm starting to regret all those yellow illustrations. It wasn't meant to be ridiculous or tacky, just once I started I couldn't stop popping more and more up there ...

LETTUCE: I know :-<...

Lori said...

I really am enjoying your blog. There is a saying.. Most heroin addicts "age out". From my life experience I see alot of truth in that. All the copping and ripping and running loses it's thrill as you get older. I have seen those yellow eyes many times. I have had cotton fever. Ugh..You do your shot and than all of the sudden you are shivering, freezing, and have to get under ten blankets and it usually lasts about half our, the intenness. I think that is from re-using the same cotton in your cooker or what not. I am glad that isn't a part of my life anymore. I still get yearnings and twinges occasionally but they are so quick they pass. Methadone will get you out of that mindset of having to get well every four hours or so. Look at how you vision and perception of people and life in genreral is gradually changing. That is wonderful..

Akelamalu said...

That's great news Gleds. :)

Gledwood said...

LORI: I hope I do get out of that mindset but find days on methadone very very difficult, for that reason especially ... I hope I "age out" too. I really hope so. I don't feel as absolutely obsessed by heroin as I did when I was younger and that's something ...




Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood