HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Anna Grace: what happened?

I HAVEN'T A CLUE WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ANNA GRACE. A notice appeared on her blog by a "friend" who had suspiciously similar punctuation to Anna (no spaces between brackets and the surrounding words(like this). A ghost post appeared promoting Anna's memoir I Hate Myself And Want To Die, then was quickly withdrawn, but you can still read the front of it by glancing down the blogs I follow on my sidebar. Last thing I knew Anna was bingeing out on heroin, had a homeless Hispanic man staying at her parents' house while they were away (recipe for disaster). And she was talking about going back on methadone, although she had already cleaned herself up in a minor cold turkey. It's not at all unusual for people to go 100% clean and then decide they just can't cope without a tiny dose of daily methadone or Subutex. Which is why when I finally get to that position I don't care what the clinic say, I'm buying the one milligram of methadone or Subutex on the street and dividing it into micro-doses myself. If it takes six months to reduce from one milligram to nothing, I'll do it. But I'm not following some run-for-the-convenience-of-the-staff-and-for-the-glory-of-their-statistics clinics's schedule.

Anyway I don't know what to think now. If you read Anna's mother's Facebook pages there's reference to Anna's book dated yesterday yet no mention of her death which is supposed to have occurred on the 16th. Which just does not fit.

I haven't heard anything from Anna for over 2 weeks. My feeling is that she is alive and unwell. But I do not know. COME BACK ANNA!

Maybe Anna does have the oddest family in history. Their daughter dies and they carry on posting away as if nothing happened. Maybe Anna is just trying to sell her book. So I'll do her one more favour: her UK Amazon link is here; the US Amazon link is here.


Here's what I wrote yesterday:~~

NOBODY SEEMS TO BELIEVE Anna Grace really is dead. Just because the "friend" who posted on her blog sounds a lot and punctuates a lot (brackets without spaces) like Anna doesn't mean the situation isn't true. She could have posted that a week ago and instructed Blogger to hold on to it and post it up yesterday, when it appeared.

This ghost post showed up: MyTrafford Dashboard: "Title: I Hate Myself and Want to Die Subtitle: Project ID: 297745 Author Name: Anna Young (edit profile) Pen Name: Anna Young Genre: F...

it means a post appeared and was subsequently deleted. Which still doesn't mean Anna is alive. The "friend" could have posted this.

Oh I don't fucking know. ANNA GRACE COME BACK!

I can't believe I'm doing this, shouting at the dead: COME BACK ANNA!

Because if she isn't dead she's not going to WANT to "come back" now. Oh Anna why did you do it? I'm checking the public records office for Green Bay, Wisconsin because I just want to know. None of the online searches I've so far done have shown up anything, which isn't really surprising because it could easily take the relevant government departments a month or more to process paperwork.

In this country a death certificate is usually issued straight away. Nearest kin are called upon to identify the body. Any case where illicit drugs may be involved, or suicide is suspected goes forward to the coroner's court. It's not uncommon for the body to stay in cold storage for a few weeks if the actual cause of death is uncertain. Example: my friend Lucky was a long term (30 year +) heroin addict but died suddenly probably of multiple system failure, not drug overdose. She stayed in the fridge for at least three weeks.

O I can't believe I'm writing all this about Anna. Can anyone who knows anything please get in touch. I want to know for sure now.


Brown County Medical Examiner:

Wisconsin Death Certificates:

Social Security Death Index Interactive Search

this is useless. no Anna Grace Young but no Juan Lopez born +/- 5 years from 1983 and dead last year!


Anna Grace's Dad's Facebook:

Anna Grace's Mum's Facebook:

Anna Grace Young's own Facebook page:


I don't know what to think. Yesterday I was upset, today I'm walking away.

If you really are doing this to draw attention to your book Anna congratulations: attention drawn. But I really can't believe you would do this. Because whether or not you're living and breathing and hiding offline, you're dead to me.

Anna Grace Young 1983-2011
Rest In Peace


Anonymous said...

Sorry Gleds. I've been following your blog and anna's for a year or so. I don't believe she is dead. As a former user I don't even believe she ever used heroin. I never believed it. She had an infatuation with heroin, but the way she wrote about it made it obvious to me that she had no experience with actually using, let alone being addicted. I am sorry for your loss though. It seemed like she really cared about you and if she has done his as a hoax, she must be seriously ill. I guess we'll all find out soon.Jason

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I was wondering if you'd found anything out. I was so upset this morning, upon reading her blog, I was crying at work.

If this is a trick or a lie, I'm done with Anna, and I love her like a sister. I truly do. It would be an unbelievably cruel stunt to pull on you and I, particularly. I know you love her, too.

Let me know if you find anything else out, please.

Love you,


Syd said...

Gleds, I don't know what the truth is. But if she is alive, then this was a cruel and selfish thing to do. Just take care of yourself. I suspect that the truth will come out soon.

Gledwood said...

J: I do believe she used heroin and Dilaudid at some point. I got the impression she stayed quite a long time in the treatment system, had minor relapses and went back to methadone/whatever.

She had a dr prescribing her Adderall, which is just dexedrine or speed (plain amphetamine) by another name. Which is fucking ridiculous for somebody with bipolar disorder. I asked my shrink about this and he said it would probably make her "really manic" and I said no she's depressed and he wasn't surprised by that either. The very same neurotransmitters her antidepressants were meant to boost were being drained away by that Adderall before the antidepressants could get to them. So I'm not surprised she was miserable.

She didn't seem to have a particularly clear idea of life outside her experience, so I don't think she would have been able to write convincingly about opiates if she had never tried them.

She did seem to have a strange obsession with them. Most people who are that obsessed just USE USE USE. When they stop using the obsession turns into revulsion. It has to, else you'd just use whenever you had a chance. Which by her account, she didn't do.

I had a kind of fascination with heroin before I ever took it. But it was a fascination with forbidden fruit. I went to college right in the middle of the Rave Generation where drug experimentation suddenly became the thing. Cocaine went from a hard drug to a party drug. Heroin never lost its taboo, which I thought was hypocrisy, so I tried it as soon as I got access to it and did it in secret. But this fascination factor quickly died away to the reality of addiction: which to me was like needing food. Nothing much more exciting than that.

I really don't understand what the hell she has done. I have a feeling she is severely disturbed and might even be in hospital. I suppose I would forgive her, but I'm not very happy with her.

I knew she told lots of little lies because a lot of details she gave just didn't add or match up. But I never picked her up on them because I felt she was a troubled soul and I also felt people treated her a bit unfairly. People who had no idea what it felt like to be in full-blown depression, let alone addicted to 2 or 3 classes of drugs (sleeping meds as well as speed and the opiates she talked so much about)... ANNA YOU STUPID COW COME BACK TO US

SB: I have heard nothing. I thought she might get in touch if I emailed her over and over but nothing

Syd: truth will out. Eventually :-(

Adrianna said...

Anna will come back with more lies.
She make up excuse thats all.
The book is most impordant then you and her freinds.Sorry I say this ma I know she like money.
Put yurself first.I know you have broken heart.

Gledwood said...

I would like to know what she is actually doing. Last she put, she had a stranger living in her parents' house. Then her book came out. She said it sucked, and to be fair the publishers really should have edited the manuscript. They obviously didn't even read it through properly which really isn't fair and means they didn't give her what she paid them for. All they really did was get the book printed, which she could have done herself for less money. It only costs a few dollars to get an ISBN number... Anna why did you do that. You really are SILLY.

Gledwood said...

Just leaving a blog behind isn't enough to promote a book. You need to go to the mass media and give interviews about your beautiful dead daughter... all that stuff. Even if TV weren't interested, radio would feature something like that, if the family could give a half-decent interview. Things like that snowball from there. Most bestsellers are created by word of mouth more than anything else. Or the fact that the author has a fanbase of millions. How many people even know about Anna? Maybe 100 in the whole world. That's not enough to sell a book. I can't believe she would take an idea like that seriously, let alone do it. Anna come back to us. I can't believe you would do this.

bugerlugs63 said...

worry no more.
She is alive & sick as ever . . .Sorry Gledwood, I know you care, I am just so so so angry. sorry.
with love

Anonymous said...

Have you thought about asking her parents through facebook?
I wonder if they knew of her blog

Anonymous said...

I know many people with bi-polar (myself included)and none of us are so devious as to fake their death, sit back, watch comments come in and maybe have a good laugh.
In my book Anna is a loser who "laughs at your pain" as she had written.
You seem to blame her evil as part of her illness which is an insult to honest people living with bi-polar disorder.

Akelamalu said...

If Anna is still alive and just trying to draw attention to her book I think that's really a sick thing to do to her friends. If this is the case I'd dump her Gleds.

Anonymous said...

I got warning bells ringing in my head every time i read a post by "ad ri anna".....?just who is she and why is her english so abominable its almost a joke?First i thought it was gledwoods alter ego(one of many...)But then i shifted and thought it may be herself..?I got a very suspicious mind so apologies if she's for real...And gledwood,this is weird and i'm sorry she messed with you xxxx Annie

bugerlugs63 said...

ditto anon
it is an insult to people with mental health probs . . .evil is not part of it.
This was an evil heartless stunt . .pretty much as soon as GW said she was dead to him whether alive or not , , ,she reared her head.
It hurt a lot of people, gave me sick nightmares about my brother having not really killed himself and coming home . . I awoke utterly distressed as I'm sure many of you did, no-one more than Gledwood. She has posted now with a sorry 4 GW and a fuck off to the rest of us . . .nice!
I know loads of you care about her, personally I never did, as I saw through the whole pile of shit from the start and had no time for it.
She careth not a jot about anyone but herself. Yes she may have MH probs . .haven't we all?
there aint no excuse for these ugly,selfish,evil fucking lies.
she is alive go to her blog . . .make her day

bugerlugs63 said...

ps. I didn't disbeleive it because "last post was poorly written/spaced/spelt like Anna's writing"
I disbeleived it because she has always been, still is, and I expect will be forever a fucking selfish heartless liar.
Suddenly in her new post the "latino lover" "toy boy" "ex of her best friend" who she was so keen to get into bed with, at the expense of a life long friendship, is now . . ."that homeless guy" . . o fucking classic manipulative bitch . . .she reckoned he was clean (subbies) then he holding a store up?? it aint worth thinking about no more. I cant . . .it is wasted emotion . .I've been angry since I read it last night. I'm just sad for the people who did & still do care about her . . .because one thing for sure . .she no care about you lot & thats sad :-(

Danielle said...

Gledwood, I hope you're serious about being done with her. Anna clearly doesn't care at all about you, and you don't need someone so without scruples and even the barest shred of common decency making you worry and fret.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Take care of yourself, Gleds!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood