HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Off... off and away!!!

I HAVE BEEN looking into doing a methadone taper and how steep can I make the taper with any chance of longterm success. The gist of the research seems to say you can reduce in 10% or 10mg steps (whichever is the smaller) in increments lasting one week to ten days. Because scripts are one or two weekly I would opt for weekly steps. Ideally I'd just reduce down by one milligram a day: I can't see that I should feel anything at all reducing like that. You certainly wouldn't feel anything reducing heroin by that amount, but methadone is different, which is why I rant and rage about it being "more addictive" it IS. Which is plain ridiculous and plainly true. My own whingeing and complaining annoys me so much I just want this reduction got on with as fast as possible, so the Whining Junkie Persona can be left in the trashcan of the past, where it belongs.

I'm on over 100mg of methadone a day, by the way so I have to think of the reduction in three phases. Phase One: taking the dose down to anywhere between 90 and 60mg. 70 or 80mg used to be the ordinary highest dose an NHS methadone clinic would allow in days gone by and prescribing practices seem to be reverting back, with people who once were on relatively generous doses complaining the clinic won't reinstate them.

Oral methadone is said to have an equivalence to IV diamorphine of anything from 4 to 1 to 1 to 1. 4-1 meaning that 150mg methadone would cover a habit of 600mg diamorphine ie about a gram and a half of street heroin as it used to be at 40% purity (about a year ago). Since the Great Heroin Drought in this country heroin is only a fraction of its old potency, making methadone very much easier to stomach for me. It holds me way, way better than it ever used to.

Once I get down to Stage 2, which will be hopefully not much more than 60mg, I'll push for them to reduce it at 5mg a week until I'm down to about 30mg.

From 30mg methadone you can in theory transfer over to Subutex or Suboxone (same difference, from what I've heard). I would like to go on Subutex but I'm scared of the upheaval it involves. You have to go days without methadone until you're in pretty florid withdrawal, then switch over to this stuff that made me feel hyper, shrivelled my sleep down to a maximum 4 hours for days on end. Even when it started coming back I was only sleeping 6 hours. I felt so high on days 2 and 3 of Subutex I barely noticed the withdrawals. Looking back I had quite a few symptoms of hypomania during this time. I don't mind being hypomanic but my moods and sleep are so incredibly sensitive to withdrawal it would seem unwise to rock the boat unnecessarily.

From much below 20mg if I stayed on methadone I'd want absolute control of how swiftly and by how much I reduced and if the clinic won't accommodate me, from here on I would just score methadone myself and drink it to suit my own timetable. I don't trust drug clinics. The new one I'm at offered to transfer me to Subutex from over 100mg methadone. Which all sounds very nice but would probably put me in a mental hospital. They don't care. So when I have to, I'm looking after myself. The ONLY reason I'm sticking with an official clinic during the cutdown, apart from the will to save money, is so that if I ever DO end up in a nuthouse I'll get my methadone automatically without having to go through "titration" (chemical torture when they won't give you enough for days on end).

When I'm near 1mg I'm just diluting the stuff in a huge bottle of water and supping it all through the day. I would cut down to zero over several days ending up on microscopic doses so tiny they couldn't possibly be doing anything (why not?)... then finally at some point many months from now... I SHOULD BE CLEAN!!!

BTW I have to be heroin-free for anything bar the very beginning of my taper to be worthwhile. So I count myself off the gear as of now. My methadone dose goes down 10mg as of the middle of next week.

********




Ha! Becha all thought I was going to post exclusively about Anna (again). I have little to say about her. Except that I put her book up here because if she wants attention HERE IT IS. She says she faked her suicide because she wanted to end her blog. The post by a "friend" does echo this:

Anna wanted me to say Good Bye to everyone who reads this blog. She's sorry she couldn't keep it up.

I'm not at all convinced she properly thought out what she was doing or going to do.

On 4 June she mentioned an Hispanic guy named Jose staying at her parents' house. On 14 June 2 news reports appeared about a Jose Machiote, who was in possession of drug paraphernalia, being arrested for armed robbery at a corner shop. Which does chime with Anna's post on 24 June:

That homeless guy I had staying with me ended up sticking up a store and getting caught.

~Fox 11
~Green Bay Press Gazette


So that seems to be true. But...

I really wish she hadn't lied like she did...

...o well.

I feel depressed enough and stressed out enough (about coming off this methadone (and moving house)) as it is. I keep waking up in the middle of the night in horror. My head kind of resonates with stray words in an odd sort of way. The way I wouldn't be surprised if I'd smoked a spliff and it did that, only I don't smoke spliffs at all. And I'm pretty fed up with methadone clinic staff for having lectured me that all my problems would evaporate if only I gave up drugs and they plainly haven't and didn't when I was just on methadone. (My depression was constantly blamed on crack. They no longer lay my moods at alcohol's door, as the amount I drink is so tiny now.) I want off drugs because I'm fed up of them, not because I believe life will be any better. What I want to do most of all is just up and away and get out of the country, which I cannot do on methadone. So that's my goal...

14 comments:

Anna Grace said...

I am glad your getting off the Methadone. At least thinking of it. My Methadone clinic won't take me back. I'm trying to get into the one in Appelton WI. About thirty minutes from Green Bay.

I'm horrifed by the comments I'm getting. I don't even read them anymore. I can't wait until this all dies down.

I might be going to jail for stealing my dad's pills. So if I don't post for a long time its because I can't.

I can't belive how much faking a suicide would get people in such a tizzy. I never had so many hits on my blog. Negative press is better than no press.

I'm sorry I hurt you. IF I did. The devils script sells you the heart of a black bird. Shine on my baby because its raining in my heart.

If you give me a PO box number or something I will send you a copy of my book.

I'm so sorry. I hate myself for what I did. Then I go and fuel the fire by telling everyone to fuck off. Stupid. That's how I felt though.

xxx

Gledwood said...

Is that the same Jose you were talking about?

Anna I can't understand what you did. You seem to think nobody cared for you at all, which wasn't true. You can see they cared because of how angry they are or were.

How are you getting in trouble for stealing your Dad's pills? Did he report you to the police? Or did you get stopped while in possession of them? You could have posted THAT on your blog.

You know the score re going to jail: if you make it look like you're making a massive effort to clean your life up you get off. That seems to be the case even more in America than here. They don't really do plea-bargaining here so much. I don't think you'd go to jail for morphine pills or whatever they were. Not for a first offence of possession.

Of course you hurt me, but I forgive you.

Gledwood said...

ANNA I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD bloody hell what did you expect ...? You never answered my emails. I told you I would say nothing if you only replied. Of course I was upset...

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now I just feel very depressed. That's how I FEEL. That is why I'm giving methadone the boot. I cannot see any point of being off heroin on a flat dose. That just does not motivate me. I need to know I'm going somewhere, not just as addicted as I ever was but not jamming a needle in my leg. That's what I'm thinking now. I just don't understand why you lied about dying. I thought you were dead. Like I say I forgive you. Let's forget about it. Leave it there.

Spindrift said...

It is plain to see how much you care for Anna, Gledwood. Anna is a lucky girl to have so much love.

You are dealing with a lot at the moment Gledwood, moving house is challenging enough.

I think the drug clinics kind of expect users of opiates to stop taking methadone for a few days, but most people in that time swap back to heroin and are in mild detox or high by the time they get to drug clinics and then the clinics wait for a short period, like 24 hours while one talks with a doctor and nurse before swapping one to suboxone or buprenorphine. If the person is in too much turmoil they will use benzodiazepines and anti psychotics in that period. Then the bupe or suboxone is given. The person coming off opiates in drug clinics usually does okay. It's the staying off is the difficulty.

Getting off drugs does not solve problems. It could create them as the underlying mental health issues can be unleashed. This then takes much therapy and possibly other drugs, anti depressants, mood stabilizers, beta blockes, anti psychotics, whatever makes one stable, can also take some time to get the balance right. Maybe some can just make a clean break.

It could be a long road, and I know you want to go it alone, which I think is admirable. Just remember there are people there if you reach out. This can be challenging in itself but if all else fails there is that. Once you hook into the system you can use what you want and discard what you don't want. You are still in control, you still get to have your say.

It's a pity you didn't have a good experience with therapy. Once I stopped using drugs and alcohol to get high I thought I was losing it and having a good therapist to work through my underlying mental health issues helped me. She was a very good therapist and after a year of therapy I found I was much more in control of my situation, and on the right psychiatric drugs.

As always Gledwood I wish you well, I don't mean to bang on for too long as I know that thinking about other things is where a large part of who you and where you are at. Occasionally though I can't help but to throw my two pennies worth. Sorry, and if it bothers you I can back away from this talk.

I really like your writing and your blog and want you to know that I am cheering you on. I think you are a remarkable person, and a gentle soul.

Paul

Anonymous said...

Gleds I'll post this here as you seem to be our high preist .Does anyone know whats happend to NOAH ,Journey to the nods ,blogger.Cheers from anon who knows the real Val .

Adrianna said...

I saw Anna face on top of comments.
Go to your own place Anna.
Don bother him with no more lies.
I know you keep lie to him.
He no need you.
You like to rap him on yur little fingers ma he far away and safe from you.
He no haf to come home to you.

Anonymous said...

Anna: for Christ sake please stop trying pass off Elliott smith lyrics as your own words!

bugerlugs63 said...

Anna
O lord . . .and he beleives you again!!! . . .
So you were staying at his (Joses) (that explains how come your mum was back home whilst u were giving him head.)
A third person was implicated . . .
but not charged (3 guesses why)
A woman staying at jose's flat . . .
grassed him up for a former robbery . . .& offered the cops a blow job which they declined,(ok I made that bit up!) saying information would be enough, thank you very much
U sure its the pills u stole that u in trouble for . . .not a gun??
he was seen trying to pluck up courage to rob . . .
obviously not used to robbing then? hmmmmmm.
U posting your news here to get more readers or sympathy??
I aint clever but I got a super sharp sixth sense.
This why your parents are not taking their eyes off you?
just a hunch ;-)

bugerlugs63 said...

ps And the woman said she had only known him a month . . . .A truth? well done

bugerlugs63 said...

sorry to go on . . .but it kept niggling at me because I knew there was more to it . . .why was the "suicide" on the 16th?? why not 11th/13th etc. I suppose anyone who was with u on the 13th or before would have known it wasn't true . . .but if someone who was with you till 13th then, say for instance. . .mysteriously locked away . . was to find out about this . . they would beleive it. poor sods.
and might not be so angry with you??
but the truth will out . . .it always does. it doesn't need my help, or you hinderance, the truth is the truth, end of.

Vincent said...

Hey Gled mate, how you doing buddy? Gonna try something new then eh? I hope it works and I hope you can keep it up! It sounds like a good plan.

Are you enjoying the summer weather that we sometimes get? I am today! I made an "Urban micro Garden" in front of my apartment. Photos on my blog tonight.

Keep well mate!
V.

Bev said...

I am glad you're planning to get off methadone.
As far as Anna. I just came from her blog (which I'm all done with)
I didn't even read about the supposed arrests and I'm already in disbelief.
I know she owes ten bucks to a bar where she is.
She is very unreliable as far as her life, history and supposed drug use is concerned.
She probably connived some more poor bastards as usual.

Gledwood said...

Spin: that nobody truly switches from methadone to Subutex says everything about methadone. Why the hell won't they give dihydrocodeine for a few days to cover the gap? Fucking idiots.

Anon: I've heard nothing at all about Noah. I hope he's OK.

Adrianna: that is very entertainingly put

Anon: Eliott Smith lyrics? Does she?

Who is Eliott Smith. See this is what drugs do to ya. You don't know anything....

Buggerlugz: I think the "suicide" coincides with the armed robbery for a reason. Probably she had had enough around then.

Vincent: it's REALLY hot. Specially at night. Ridiculously so.

Bev: thanks. How do you know she owes $10 to a bar? Are you from Green Bay too or are you just an intuitive judge of character(!!)

Akh I want off that gloopy CRAP as soon as humanly possible.

Anonymous said...

Hi Gleds,

Elliott smith is an incredibly talented musician who committed suicide a few years back. Anna constantly includes his lyrics verbatim into her writing and does not acknowledge the fact. The title of her blog is lifted from one of his songs 'strung out again'.

Elliott struggled with drug addiction for many years. He was nominated for an academy award for his songs on the film 'good will hunting'.

'The devil's script sells you the heart of a blackbird...shine on me baby, cos it's raining in my heart..." again, that's Elliott from 'A distorted reality is now a necessity to be free'. Anna does this routinely. I shudder to think how many of his words made it into her book!

I don't believe that Anna has ever been a heroin addict. I do believe that she is probably addicted to prescription drugs though. I know that way dr's in the states give out pills so I believe that Anna probably has a bunch of different scripts. I even make room for the possibility that she lied her way on to a methadone program.

I will never believe she has used heroin though. You can tell when she is writing about something she has personal experience with. For example, when she writes about sex, masturbation etc you can tell that her writing is informed by a degree of experience. I actually think she writes quite well in this context. When it comes to writing about heroin, she steals words from others who have had direct experience such as musicians and other bloggers such as Shane (heroinhead),

Jason


Jason

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

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Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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