HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Pre Move Jitters

I'm not doing clairvoyancy by the way, as I'm afraid of getting possessed. I think the Chinese characters I see in the air from time to time are eidetic memories, not clairsentient distance-vision.

I got up after midday and wasted ages trying to get it together to take my socks off and go into the shower and go outside and up to the methadone chemist. All the time I was out I wished I was back in bed. My bed is full of rubbish so I've been sleeping on the floor. I think it's good for my back.

As well as panicking how on earth am I going to move house, I tried to fill out a government form but it was so depressing and I got a fullblow paranoia attack from doing so.

On Monday I'm buying some more huge tartan washing bags and I'm just piling my stuff into them. My Mum said she would drive me to and fro. As long as she's not in France.

I would rather move into a nutterhouse than stay where I am. But I don't want to do anything. I just want to curl up and die. Then I tell myself not to be so damn childish, that life has a purpose and I feel this sparkly light. But I have no energy whatsoever to engage with this mystical purpose in life. So that's today and here's Lady Gaga:~~~

O yeah and re heroin, I know it's bad to be a heroin addict, that's why I want to stop taking the crap. I mean "want to stop" I haven't had it for a couple of days and when I had it, it was too weak for words. THE ONLY THING THAT EVER MADE ME FEEL GOOD (APART FROM PSYCHOTIC MANIA) AND I'M GIVING IT UP! I MUST BE TRULY DERANGED..!!


Anonymous said...

Ever feel like you fell down a rabbit hole while chasing a white rabbit?This is what comes to mind when i read your blog today....i know what forms are like and what they can do to your head,especially as some us of don't live in a linear time zone,can Deshane help you fill em in?I hope it all works out for you and your new home is superduper xxxx annie

Spindrift said...

It sounds like your fairly well organised, bags lift, sorted. Maybe you could get someone to help, as Annie suggested.

You want to stop taking the crap, but do you have an alternative 'cold turkey' will be pretty rough. I remember when Renton did it in trainspotting and boarded himself in his room.

Anonymous said...

don't worry about nothing .whatever happens happens and you gotta know whats best for you.
first you love the idea of movin and next your scared to death.Just do what you got to do.
You need to spend way more time away from your home.I think you need a change.
stop thinking so much.its bad for you.

Akelamalu said...

I hope you'll be better when you move Gleds. x

Lori said...


This move sounds positive. Change can be a real frightening thing. It's so much easier to do what we always do or have done. Pack those bags and go. Embrace the new place. It might be just what you need.

Gledwood said...

I hope it's positive. Hope

if I could go permanently into infinity I would be much happier!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I hope the move works out well for you.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood