12 hours ago
HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.
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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT
I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.
I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.
My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.
This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.
If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.
PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...
PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!
I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.
My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.
This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.
If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.
PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...
PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!
Attack of the Furry Entertainers!
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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!
METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH
Heroin Shortage: News
If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.
Christiane F
"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools.
Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross...
Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way.
CHRISTIANE F:
TRAILER
You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.
To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...
DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!
Drugs Videos
Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.
If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.
Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"
Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"
In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"
Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).
Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"
Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.
Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).
Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...
And lastly:
German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!
If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.
Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"
Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"
In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"
Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).
Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"
Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.
Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).
Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...
And lastly:
German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!
Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?
Manic Magic
Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog
Copyright 2011 by Gledwood
8 comments:
Hamsters indeed . . .
well I wewnt to the pet shop to get supersize bags of bedding,muesli,nuts & corn on co(de
but I "forgot" ;-) to take the pups. Errrr I still gotta take them next week (defo)
They purposefully (That looks wrong?) made themselves look such a mess yesterday, that I would've been ashamed to take them.
Not entirely their fault . . |I couldn't clean them for the first two weeks as cant disturb them . . .when I went to clean them at 3 weeks there were 3 new pups . . .so still couldn't clean them!
they have gone 6 weeks well 7 now.
Cleaned them out last night and hope they might be looking like the Robos in the shop by this time next week . .filthy,scruffy,swines!
I did ask in the shop and they said they will take all seven next week . .I noticed they got NO spaces in their adoption centre . .but couldn't bring myself to ask what they gonna do with them??? But I know I will have to ask next week . . . but even without those seven I still got 22? . . .so they gotta go :-( haven't they?? have they??
I don't know, and I'm sure you got bigger things to worry about . . you just got another marriage proposal! I'm not sure how u do it without these people having seen you, I know looks are nothing . . but I would have to see the eyes . .just the eyes, yes. I dont think I could propose to anyone (even as intelligent,eloquent,caring,forgiving,gentle,understanding,barking, hamster mad,talented as yourself) without seeing the eyes. hey ho it takes all sorts.
I SO hope you feeling a "whisker" better?
with much love
WV. prosen?
x
"Corn on co(de"??? Corn on cob!
O boy just read "this is really what happened" ;-)
Roborovskis are just about the smallest pets anyone ever keeps, bar tropical fish so 22 of them isn't really excessive, long as they've got enough room (or enough wheels!)
Mine used to HATE being cleaned out. Even though I did the bedding one week (leaving a bit of the old lot) then the newspaper the next week and left a month in between, they still ended up all 3 on the wheel running like the clappers trying to get away from their horrible clean new home!
I used newspaper sheets in the end instead of woodhsavings because the shavings seemed to give them itchy coats... also they really liked chewing up the newspaper. By the time it was changed they'd nibbled a lot of it right down to the bottom of the fishtank.
Are they nearly as big as the "Baby Itchy Attacks the Ninja" lookey-likey I dragged up a couple of nights ago?
What I would do is keep a sensible number of hammies but not too many but that's like how long is a piece of string. I would say a piece of string is about a foot long, so there!
You're lucky breeding the furry swines, it means you have the chance to get them truly handtame. Mine were too jaded and old when I first got my 3. Spherical was a generation older, I'm sure. She was sleeping separately from the other 2 (in the same tank) at the Pets Superstore I got them from. Itchy and Bashful looked identical and neither grew up as tubby, they still had pretty bullet shaped bodies even when they died. As if they were 2 runts of the litter. Itchy let me tame her enough to walk on my hands, go up sleeves etc. When she eventually died she died in my hands as I didn't want her to get trampled. Bashful kept trying to BITE me! And Spherical was highly suspicious of me her entire life through, the swine!
Hey I do feel a bit better thanks. Partly thanks to being on a lovely huge dose of methadone I had to drink in the shop. Usually I'd never drink it in one go but the new clinic insists, me beint a new customer and all... I'm angling to get changed on to another medication entirely ~ arguing (100% truthfully as well) that methadone induces and exacerbates bipolar mood swings. Which is ridiculous when you think about it. If I were a responsible dr and knew that methadone was doing to someone what it's doing to me no way in hell would I prescribe it. Not so much because of the lovely occasionally manic flash, but because of the suicidal depression. I shouldn't speak too soon, but this new clinic I'm going to seems even worse than the last one. I liked the last one because I was used to it. As methadone clinics go it was OK. But I'm supposed to be moving house! Which means there's barely any point changing clinics as I'll be living back in the old juristiction in 2 shakes of a gnat's whisker!!
do you know what? I was thinking that the safto . ..I was so surprised in the pet shop at how big"normal" hamsters R!! they are huge. So I reckon 4 fully grwn robos = 1 syrain so . . .I only got 6 really. They got loads of room I just buy storage/toy boxes, fix up a water bottle & wheel, then its just misc. toys. Basically all my cardboard recycling of any shape or size is a toy!!
Hey as they always make nest in wheel cus it curved at bottom (so they keep all babies at bottom then lie above them to feed them) I thought I'll put a pringle tube in there c if that ok 4 a nest . .it was . .but even better, when pups wre two weeks, Mummy took all bedding out and as it is foil lined, shiny & slippery, the pups all run in a row inside of it (as if it were a wheel) Genius! they obviously dont "know" the wheel is going round . .they just like running. So I've got a "robo pringle treadmill" ;-)
I'm never sure if newspaper print might not agree with them? dunno.
we've all had to change to private clinic now . .after knowing my drug worker for 5 yrs . .she knows my history, family, probs,past etc. now gotta start again. Its still free but a private company won the bidding so hey ho. . .we do as we are told.
So So glad u feeling bit better . .lets hope its gets a bit more better (gr.?)
with love
di x
ps. where did the word barking go in my list of your assets? I can see a ba then it goes to hamster mad . . .strange. not that it matters but never seen half a word on there before . . .I'm going as I'm starting to look like a stalker . . .;-)
x
Wow that must be hamster heaven!
Buggerlugz: all the baby hammies scrabble in a row along the inside of a Pringles tube? Wow. That's classic :-)
I was scared of them dying of ink poisoning but it never seemed to affect them. The fact that house mice rip just about anything to shreds gave me the idea. The robos seemed to get a really itchy time off the shavings and I kept thinking I wouldn't like to live waist deep in itchy shavings all the time... Pandable my Syrian hamster used to live in a nest of newspaper he'd nibbled himself. But in his case I just cut along the side of the paper into strips...
Is the private clinic any good? Do they give out anything better than methadone mixture 1mg/1ml and Subutex?
I heard the one that won Cambridge set about cutting off every injectable script in the area with a vengeance. The affected people would get counselling and advice on "how to structure their day" ~ about as much of an admission as you'll ever get that they're totally fucking those people up. If ONLY they'd given me an injectable script I could have been OK years ago. I could be off drugs now. I've asked abot injectables repeatedly but they're completely deaf to the idea.
I'm feeling physically ill from drinking all the methadone in one go. Usually I drink it in bed and sleep through the effects and I never swig the whole bottle at once unless I want to "abuse" it. So I've the luxury of "abusing" methadone every single day for the forseeable future... life could be worse!
Barking??!
Jams: they don't know they're born these golden hamsters with no predators, endless food to hand and luxury wheels... and horrible young hands pinching at them and doing stuff like putting them on the record turntable as my friend from school used to do... Hmmm.
That hamster looks just like my best one, Pandable, by the way...
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