HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

New Spectacles Horror

FINALLY, nearly three years after the issue hit boiling point and my first pair of glasses disintegrated and having found a pair on the pavement three minutes from Valium Marilyn's house and that pair having disintegrated so badly the donkers look like they're doing the splits and both lenses pop out freely when I'm trying to cross the road, I got it together not only to make a sight test appointment but to order in TWO new pairs of glasses at $100 each (two for one special deal; £69 the pair and thirty-something pounds off thanks to a Government Voucher so I pay £33 and get two new pairs of glasses. And from the 2nd of July onwards I'll finally be able to see!

The kindly Indian testing my eyes said that with the new lenses intact my vision is as sharp as human vision can go. I was able to read the very bottom line of print, which seemed readily to surprise him.

I begged him not to give out an over-powerful prescription: one optician once did and I spent the next six months being astonished by jutting angles jumping out, everything in 4D, ultra sharp and scarily detailed. He said no that's fine, you don't need a prescription for your slight astigmatism.

Then the horror of choosing my own spectacles ensued. The school leaver who processed my forms looked like she was trying not to laugh whenever I picked up a pair of frames, glanced at my gruesome refelction for the shortest possible interval and grimaced. Then a really stern Indian girl took up position and kept asking if she could help me. I think she was convinced I was into shoplifting the empty frames, which is a useless thing to do. I remember meeting a nutter in NA who wore a pair of very obvious show frames with POLICE in the lower lefthand lens. I do believe POLICE used to make "designer" glasses. But I do believe also it's pretty bad form to walk the streets wearing the plastic lenses they come in on the spinner. Everyone kept a straight face. This is the one who "relapsed" on zopiclone sleeping tablets and within days was back on the heroin and crack. And that's why I take NA's philosophies with a pinch of salt. If I'm a heroin addict who can't sleep, I don't believe I'm "using" when I take a presription sleeping pill at the recommended dosage, and I will not be brainwashed into believing that medicating my mental state is the same as using heroin. But hey.

Anyway... the first frames I looked at were the £100/$160 ones in science glasses style. Black at the top; just bare lenses underneath. A third girl, who seemed less anxious than "can I help you" but more scared than the school leaver said to me, "if you had these really you'd need our special lens thinning technology" and how much is that? I asked. "Only" another £40 ~ that's $60 ~ extra. So those went back on the shelf.

Then I found a pair in bronze in the same general style but fully enclosed in metal, and I kept putting them on then taking them off, then trying the same ones in silver. But I did look like a Danish serial killer. Other frames made me appear variously like a Slovakian double-murderer, a Bulgarian child molester and a German exchange student with Delusional Disorder. I think the pairs I picked make me look like a deranged axe-murderer. Or more to the point, like a deranged axe-murderer wearing glasses. The ation of looking in the mirror was so traumatic that 20 frames into this process I just wanted to up and run. Oh yeah and the girl said you're not allowed to put down a part deposit: all spexx must be paid for in full before you're allowed to order them. As far as I understand it, my luxury glasses shall be ready the Sunday or Monday after next. I do believe she said July 2. So I'm scuttling around between now and then like a myopic roborovski with a surprised look on its face.

I went to see my friend Paddster afterwards and either I'm paranoid or he was treating me like I was mentally deranged. The doctor at the methadone clinic asked me whether I thought I was manic the other day which did my head in. I thought, on balance, that I was in a "normal" mood. That is, if you averaged out the peaks and valleys of the day the intervening line would be pretty rasonable. Not that I was in any way on a flatline. Who knows maybe she was just winding me up by asking me that. I thought manic people were meant to gesticulate a lot and I don't think I was doing that. It has been pointed out to me that I jump from one topic to the next with nary a rhyme nor reason as to where I'm going (unless I consciously rein myself in) but that's my ordinary thought process. It only goes truly off the wall when I'm truly hyper. I have to say my head has been jumping with alien thoughts in massive quantities, y'know, kind of like I'm tuned into Radio Gaga again, but that's pretty normal too. I quite like it when they get very bizarre. It's free entertainment for all the family!

My new drugs worker seemed to think rehab was a really good idea. I didn't tread into Truthfulness Territory ~ giving my real opinions on those places. That they are run for the convenience of the staff. That most people are only there to avoid prison. Etc etc.

Oh yeah and they seemed very surprised that I only tested positive for heroin and methadone and was vehemently against hashish, cocaine, speed and the reat ~ in thought as well as deed. Only teenagers (or really withered old speed-freaks) use speed in this country. Crack is lousy stuff. And frankly I'm offended that anyone would even ask me about cannabis. I last bought cannabis when hash was the norm: ie before the trend for premium grass came in in 1993/1994. Yes I have been stupid enough to have the odd toke between now and then but I've regretted it more and more and more each time. Last time I smoked grass I picked up a dropped spliff at a bus stop. Believing it to be a roll-up cigarette I puffed away until the grotesque smell of skunk stoppered up my lungs. Even the tiny quantity inhaled offended my brain and I went into a peculiar mindstate. Why on earth anybody smokes that crap is beyond me.

The workers at these clinics seem to know nothing about drugs. If they did they wouldn't be surprised to see someone steadily fall apart the longer he's off drugs. That's the meaning of self-medication. When you're on the medicine you're better. When you're without it, you're all over the place. I only use that phrase "self-medicating" beause the drug-clinic drummed it into me (then offered no alternative medication, I noticed!) Something in me seems to have changed and opiates no longer have the effect they once did, which is why I'm steeling myself for a life solely on the gloop. Next week I start a gradual gloop reduction and I can't wait. Once the dose gets to 30mg or below, which will take weeks to achieve, I can consider switching over to Subutex or Suboxone. My friend Paddadadster recently went back on that, having singularly failed to handle life on nothing at all. He's expecting to stay on it till he dies.

Well I was supposed to be focusing on positive things. I feel a lot better in general than I did last week. I still don't know where I'm going or what will become of me in the future. I don't know how to survive. If I am going to be moving house I want to get the move over and done with as quickly as humanly possible. Deshane says three or four weeks. I am holding on till then. No shiba-inus today... I have to run. Take care y'all..!


Anonymous said...

Very sorry but you should look at anna's blog.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I'm off topic here, but tell me it isn't true about Anna.
I really can't and don't want to believe it.
We never met, never heard each other's voice and still I connected with her, as we all did.
I'm hoping it's all a sick joke and we'll all forgive her if it was.
Worst thing I ever read b4 bedtime.
Have you heard anything at all?
I'm googling to find out in Green Bay, did this really happen and I hope with all my heart it did not.

Anonymous said...


If it helps, I've been googling it too. So far have found anything anywhere in WI.

So sorry if it is true (especially for you Gleds). But praying it's not!

Anonymous said...

Oops, should be "haven't found anything" online confirming it.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Anony,
Thanks for the info.
I hadn't followed her bog 4 long, maybe 6 mos.
I too checked the Green Bay online news papers and there's no mention of Anna Grace Young on the 16th.
God I'm hoping she's still around, for all of us and especially Gleds.
Gleds, you'll get to the bottom of this and SHARE THE WORD WITH US ALL.
For some reason, I just can't belive this.
Luv u & Anna 2.

Lolly said...

OMG.did she confide something to you and you alone?
If shes alright tell her we all care about her.thanx.

Akelamalu said...

It's difficult choosing new frames for glasses isn't it? I'm sure you'll look great in yours and you'll be able to SEE!

bugerlugs63 said...

Only hope for your sake, and her family's, that this is the sickest of all her games and lies.
Real sorry for you if it is true as I know u cared for & loved Anna.
But I dont beleive it, along with much of what she writes, I just hope she had the "grace" to e-mail you to let you know she was about to post this pile of spew.
No more on the subject as I think that is the main purpose of the post . . along with book sales.
back later when I'm not so fucking cross.
with love as always

Gledwood said...

I don't know anything about Anna I emailed her on 17th which would be 1 day after she died and no reply

there was a dummy post (ie one posted then quickly pulled, but the first few words stay in your little inbox if you follow that blog) just giving title and details of her book which is weird, nothing means she's still alive i don't know i am going to check the public death records


tom23 said...

It's time you read about a lethal homemade synthetic opiate: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/krokodil-the-drug-that-eats-junkies-2300787.html



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood