HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, June 27, 2011

I hate methadone and want to die

OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF I WANT OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF METHADONE. OFF IT OFF IT WANT OFF OFF OFF. FED UP HAD ENOUGH. I WANT TO DIE DRUG FREE. HA! That's my biggest motivation. I wanna die and I wanna die OFF DRUGS. I'm already fretting that bitch worker won't cut my script down fast enough so I'm probably going to have to insist on seeing a doctor ~ hopefully the irresponsible one who offered to switch me straight from over 120mg methadone to Subutex ~ to INSIST on getting off this CRAP as fast as I can. I want the dose lowered every single week until it's well under 100. I'm not worried about withdrawals. I can cure them my own way and no chemicals are involved. I want OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF.

My house looks like a bomb has hit it. My Mum cannot move me; she will be away. But I know someone with a car who probably will let me down but it's a chance. I'm dumping all my kitchen stuff at Paddaddaddaddadd's house, if he will have them. I have stuff like a 5ft high fold-out clothes drying rack that I am NOT taking with me, but I want to keep it. Once I've got rid of all that ilk of stuff I just have to pack these tartan bags. Once I've left my place will look post-nuclear because I'm leaving two thirds of my clobber behind. Clothes that don't fit. Clothes with holes. Books I don't want. Etc etc. I'm not fretting too much I have to GO.

I want OUT as fast as possible. I want OUT of this God-forsaken outer London borough and back IN to London. I hate living in the middle of nowhere. Soon as I get OUT of this house I get BACK to the decent druggieclinic I used to go to. The new one has an atmosphere like the cavern by the River Styxx.

It was a nice day yesterday and I slept through it. Woke up at 5:30pm. Longer you sleep the better in my book. It's too hot though.

Akkh WHY did I ever go on shitty heroin? I want CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN OFF IT OFF OFF OFF and if I can't handle it I swear I will kill myself and I'm not fucking lying like Anna Grace.

Off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off! Hate methadone. Goodbye and good riddance to all drugs.

this is supposed to be about terminal illness ...
if you were terminally ill, would you accept anything but palliative care?

Sorry to everyone who finds this depressing. This is how I feel. Depressed.


the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Gleds,
I really can't handle anymore suicide talk.
I am grateful that Anna's was untrue.
Getting yourself off drugs is great and you have my best wishes.
Take good care, always,

Janice said...

Don't kill yourself.

I really couldn't bear that.

Keep working on getting clean. You'll get there.


Maureen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr Lonely said...

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bugerlugs63 said...

love that song . .cheers me up no end . .but then my fave artist is Leonard Cohen so that prob says it all :-)
You will NOT kill yourself, OK?
you can pack that fucka in!
I think, take what u need/want & fly is the best idea.
good way to de-clutter, move house
sooner the better for you.
even just getting down to 25ml will make a huge difference.
Yes I know you want OFF, and I'm sure if thats what you want . . .thats what you will do.
I'm sure you know how you feel (ie depressed) but you "sound" quite motivated & excited :-)
with love di

bugerlugs63 said...

ps, how cud I forget? ive (well not me personally) had some beige robos. They're two weeks old and instead of going grey like all the other litters did, they are light light beige. Will get some photos put up and send u link, They still got white eyebrow & tummy but the "other" colour is not much darker than the white. First I thought it was just one and might be albino, but they are all the same and still got black eyes . . .i can't wait to see how they turn out! Then again, could be another litter I will have to keep, as I doubt the pet shop will sell them as "Robos" . . .O

Adrianna said...

You no need be sad.
You know what you wan do and you do.Thats all.
More easy talk,ma you can help yourself.

Akelamalu said...

It would be wonderful if you get of ALL drugs Gleds. I wish you luck with it. x

Gledwood said...

Taffeta, Janice: I don't really care whether I live or die. I would much rather die by accident than suicide. That's why street heroin is so good: you never know how strong it is and so can overdose accidentally. I don't really want to kill myself, I just want to die. That's what's so crap about methadone. The're all jibber-wibber "oh this is such an enormous dose" when it's tiny. I calculated that on British 1mg/1ml methadone your bladder would EXPLODE before you ever had the chance of overdosing. They should be aiming to wipe out junkies, not keep the bastards alive

Mr L: that cheesecake looks nice

Buggerlugz: you're lucky having so many robos. Do they scuttle all over the place? Do they ever escape and cause chaos? Baby Itchy roborovski used to escape FREQUENTLY for 2 days or more at a time. Every time I thought I had lost her for good, the swine!

No I won't die deliberately if I can avoid it.

Don't worry. You know what I'm like. I probably won't do fuck all.

I did try and commit suicide twice. The first time I took a bottle of antidepressants and felt so sick afterwards it was unreal. Of course I got NO medical treatment. It didn't even cross my mind...

Akelamalu: I want drug free and pure. If I were a Buddhist I would climb up a mountain and become a crazy hermit and never come down!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood