OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF I WANT OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF METHADONE. OFF IT OFF IT WANT OFF OFF OFF. FED UP HAD ENOUGH. I WANT TO DIE DRUG FREE. HA! That's my biggest motivation. I wanna die and I wanna die OFF DRUGS. I'm already fretting that bitch worker won't cut my script down fast enough so I'm probably going to have to insist on seeing a doctor ~ hopefully the irresponsible one who offered to switch me straight from over 120mg methadone to Subutex ~ to INSIST on getting off this CRAP as fast as I can. I want the dose lowered every single week until it's well under 100. I'm not worried about withdrawals. I can cure them my own way and no chemicals are involved. I want OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF.
My house looks like a bomb has hit it. My Mum cannot move me; she will be away. But I know someone with a car who probably will let me down but it's a chance. I'm dumping all my kitchen stuff at Paddaddaddaddadd's house, if he will have them. I have stuff like a 5ft high fold-out clothes drying rack that I am NOT taking with me, but I want to keep it. Once I've got rid of all that ilk of stuff I just have to pack these tartan bags. Once I've left my place will look post-nuclear because I'm leaving two thirds of my clobber behind. Clothes that don't fit. Clothes with holes. Books I don't want. Etc etc. I'm not fretting too much I have to GO.
I want OUT as fast as possible. I want OUT of this God-forsaken outer London borough and back IN to London. I hate living in the middle of nowhere. Soon as I get OUT of this house I get BACK to the decent druggieclinic I used to go to. The new one has an atmosphere like the cavern by the River Styxx.
It was a nice day yesterday and I slept through it. Woke up at 5:30pm. Longer you sleep the better in my book. It's too hot though.
Akkh WHY did I ever go on shitty heroin? I want CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN OFF IT OFF OFF OFF and if I can't handle it I swear I will kill myself and I'm not fucking lying like Anna Grace.
Off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off! Hate methadone. Goodbye and good riddance to all drugs.
THE DRUGS DON'T WORK
this is supposed to be about terminal illness ...
if you were terminally ill, would you accept anything but palliative care?
Sorry to everyone who finds this depressing. This is how I feel. Depressed.
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
15 hours ago