HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Fed up of being myself

UKH. I JUST GLANCED AT THE TRIPE I typed out yesterday. If only I could claim to have been drunk when I posted. That's my problem, I'm too stone cold sober these days. The lack of drink and gear is driving me mad.

I'm hoping the manic depression has bottomed out. I had actually got so depressed I had forgotten there was a chance, albeit a very slim and unreliable one, that I could get suffused with false manic happiness again and have a lovely brain-melting few weeks of excitement.

I do have this mysterious sense of hope in the dark though. A dim light shining in deepest space.

You see I should feel very excited about the future. But it only stresses me out a LOT.

I need to see a dr and get new meds. That manic depression book in the library says bipolar people are like junkies. Always hanging out on the next high. Which is why hardly any of them actually take the meds as prescribed, for years and years. Now I'm almost ready to drink the stupefied chalice of mediocrity. I do feel if it is natural to be nuts, so by taking meds I'm going against nature. If they would give me that lamotrigine stuff I would consider taking that. Lamotrigine (lamictal) is a mood stabilizer that is said to work better against bipolar depression than mania. Whereas lithium makes you feel cold and tired and causes difficulty concentrating and even worse requires regular blood tests. Worst of all it's far more effective against mania than depression. Ie it's a no-fun drug. I want something that totally fills in the valleys and only chops the raving mad tops off the hills. The Foothills of Hypomania are where I want to live.

I'm not looking forward to next week. Not at all.

It's the No Gear Idea that's intolerable. For a long, long time it was the only point to my day. I bribed myself to do things by turning life into a series of sandwiches. That is: I took heroin before and after I did anything. Knowing a lovely dripping shot of gear was waiting there for me was the only thing that made me want to come home. Knowing I had heroin for breakfast was the only thing that got me out of bed. Now life is one long stretch of blank meaninglessness. I'm counting the years until I die. Being as I'm nearly 40 I might have 20 years left. Most of the people I knew had been on the gear 8 or 10 years when I started it in ernest (10 years ago after quite some time messing about with it) they're mostly dead now. They're lucky, sleeping in their graves. I have to drag myself around in the dark. I know I should write something more sugar-coated and full of shit but that's the truth of heroin addiction. Life is meaningless without the gear and every day on methaone is a day more addicted and more hopeless. I'm actually starting to get to like the nasty buzz that gloop gives you. The buzz of methadone is a feeling of normality seeping into my iceblock of a body when I wake up. So it's not a high; it's just feeling (physically) OK instead of not feeling OK. If you give addicts methadone, they'll stop craving opiates so much and crave death instead.

OK it has to stop now before I get too truthful/morbid.

The Tory government now think the sick and disabled should work for less than the minimum wage. One of them let this slip yesterday. I don't know why they don't just kill them all. That's what they want to do: they just won't come out and say it. They already want the sick living out on the streets. And I would vote Tory!~!!!!

I have only 2 major political opinions: 1 a national health service that is free for all (like we have today) and 2: low taxes for the rich (so I can be rich and pay low taxes). Number 3 would be proper effective treatments for drug addicts so I could have gone on IV diamorphine when it would have made a difference. It's too late now.

If I could have gone on prescription diamorphine years ago, as about 500 UK addicts are (and contrary to popular view this is ONLY available on the NHS. If anyone knows a private clinic dishing out maintenance diamorphine PLEASE GET IN TOUCH.)... if only I could have had a treatment that works instead of one like methadone that just makes you more addicted (methadone has a 4% success rate: frankly I find it hard to believe it's even that high), I might have had a chance of being rehabilitated. The rot set in some time around 2004 when I started hallucinating. And ever since then it's been a slow ride downhill. I didn't know it was "shizophrenia" did I?

My gran used to think because I was intelligent I should have got a good job. But I applied for jobs left right and centre and never got ONE interview. I would quite like to work for the lcoal council because it's easy. I just need a job that is easy where you don't have to deal with people and don't have to do 2 things at once. I used to be good at multitasking. Not any more. That's one of the impacts of my brain melting on me. I couldn't think straight any more. My ideal job would be to be Queen. I think the grey perm and white gloves would quite suit me. You get free housing for life and don't pay proper taxes (even though she does make a "contribution" ~ if the sovereign paid inheritance tax withi a couple of generations there would be no Sanringham House or Balmoral Castle. I would quite like to be the Queen. I like posh dinners, diamonds, palaces, politics and history. I'd do barely any engagements where I had to meet the public. I'd spend my days at home, drinking.

Oh crap. That's another thing. When I used to work nights years and years ago I never had time to EAT between sleeping and going back to work. I literally slept every hour I wasn't working or on the way to or from work. Now I sleep even more. So how am I going to fit that in? I'm only working fulltime. Part time work isn't worthwhile. I was going to do volunteer work but all my clothes are dirty. My shoes have holes in them and they stink. My coat has cigarette burns on the sleeve and also reeks of BO. See it's all too depressing for words. I just want to curl up and die.

I was watching a film set in World War II. Everyone seemed so capable back then. How did my grandparents cope? My Nan drove the buses around Windsor and my Granddad nearly got killed in Libya. They were allowed to smoke cigarettes whenever they liked. I couldn't be a bus driver: I haven't even got a normal driving licence and I drink too much. I'd quite like to be an engine driver though, if I could drive the Eurostar train to Paris that would be cool. I'd also like to be an American freight train driver. Or a British one for that matter.

O when am I ever going to be OK again.

OK this was a stream of consciousness I bashed in while watching the film On The Buses. I'm in a bad mood all the time, just posting on the internet makes me feel worse.

buses are boring. this is really fucking exciting

Hey I thought the Tokyo subway was the most crowded in the world? London is considerably more crowded and opporessive than this:~~~

This is much more like it. Look at that bloke having a really good shove
nah London ain't this bad; we don't have professional door-closers like this lot

My Japanese is really awful. I saw loads of characters I recognized on the walls but couldn't read them. Didn't even know what 住 meant.

This is a Japanese news story about an inconvenient shutdown on the transport network

PS:~ What the hell has happened to Anna Grace? Anyone who knows, please getin touch ASAP... Any assistance gratefully accepted. Anna, if you're reading this GET IN TOUCH thank you.


the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...


If I could prescribe myself anything at all this very minute, it would be one of those cuddly Shiba-inu pups in that photo.
They may not come in a bottle, but I know they'd do wonders for my mood.
Take good care Gleds,

Gledwood said...

I'd like an akita-inu. A really fluffy huge American one. And female, so she doesn't fight with the other dogs down the park. And so I can get free akita-inu puppies when the season is right...

Akelamalu said...

You sound so desperate Gleds I so want you to be well.

bugerlugs63 said...

O, once again, I dont know what to say :-( . . .that bit about your shoes & coat & wanting to curl up & die made me cry . .please dont lose sight of that flicker of light that keeps u going.
No more Hammy Tales even . . .but will try this, let me know if it works, as I have only just worked out how to transfer photos from camera to Laptop. I know it doesn't compare to Hammy & antics but its a start . . .who knows?
I know its easy to say dont worry . . .any debts will eventually go to court (if its worth it for "them") then DSS will offer them £2/£3 per wk to pay the debts off.I know its not just about the debts or the move or your coat or shoes or bed . . .I so wish someone could/would help you . . I can only pray & hope something good comes through soon for you,
with love as always


that looks awful long for one photo?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

The dog photos are lovely. I am sorry I haven't been around more. I'm not getting around the Net like I used to.

You are loved.


Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. I didn't realise the Tories had proposed that. I am horrified. Love the dog pics and so does Simi. Never give up. xx woof!

Anonymous said...

Gleds, I am really really getting worried about Anna. Have you called her? I thought you guys were best friends. She said if she was ever missing you'd know where she is. This is getting really serious. I'm going to call the police if not word by tomorrow. I hate to do that and have her family and police involved if she's at home getting high and stuff, but I don't feel like I have a choice at this point.

Anonymous said...

Gledwood, have you been able to reach Anna? She said if she's ever missing you would know where to find her. I'd hate to call the police if she's just hanging out getting high, but if she doesn't show up by tomorrow I really don't feel like I have a choice. The fact that you seem so unconcerned makes me think you know something more. Did she leave the country to visit you? Please don't leave us hanging.

Gledwood said...

Anonymous: who are you?

I haven't heard anything from Anna.

Her last blog post implies she's dead. Nobody seems to believe it, they all think she's alive and lying. I don't know what to believe. It's all doing my head in.

I am checking the death records online. I found a few resources but wouldn't expect them to be up to date for stuff that happened last week.

It is a bit strange that she suddenly went quiet just after the book came out... but like I say I just do not know what to think.

If you are a family member or a friend and she really is dead then I'm very sorry.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood