HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, June 03, 2011


VERY RATTY TODAY. Ratty as a rats' nest. I started sorting through my books. The main reason had to do with hoping at least £10 might be lurking somewhere between those 1000s of unread pages on my shelves.

I separated out all the Japanese books and my Finnish dictionary. I don't speak a word of Finnish but like the idea of all those glacial lakes and pine trees and the fact that it's hurdy-gurdy yet totally non-European. Finnish is said to be closer to Siberian languages than European ones.

Also I'd quite like to go reindeer herding so Finnish should come in useful. I found this dictionary in a carpark one morning, so of course it came home with me.

Well I slept all day. I couldn't sleep properly last night. Not at all. Then I felt irritable, ragged... the kind of feeling I used to get when I'd been out raving and taken stimulants that hadn't worn off, yet I wasn't really in a good mood any more. That feeling. Except I can't remember the last time I took any uppers stronger than 2 cups of black coffee and some cigarettes. Maybe I've got nicotine poisoning, who knows.

I'm rapidly going off bouncy balls. And I went out to get some bread and bumped into one of my bastard drug dealers spening MY money down the kebab shop. I say MY money: if he invested it, he might happen to have drawn one of my £20s out of the bank. I haven't rung this bastard in weeks.

Well there's not much else to say. I wish I was asleep again. Maybe I should be taking some kind of meds because I feel crap.

Liza Minelli is on Graham Norton. Have I lost my sense of humour or is the current state of television yet another sign that the endof the world is nigh? Earthquakes in diverse places... wars and rumours of wars... Graham Norton. Matthew 24. See it all fits.

I've got nothing to watch. Yesterday I found a Dutch edition of the Gosford Park DVD though it plays in English (I checked). But I didn't really have the £2 spare.

Well I've gotta go. One last complaint: all you people with weird blogs, the sort that have an integral comments page that won't accept anonymous or name/url comments ~ I CANNOT TALK ON YOUR BLOGS. Sweden, Dad & Mom. Unless I've been blockaded for being too boring, Google thinks I'm not signed in and asks me to select a profile. Then won't accept the profile I've picked (my own). Yet all normal blogs let me speak as much crap as I like... so what's that all about?

I love this tune; it sounds mystical and reminds me of being happy on MDMA

2010 PhaniaX
this one's even better; in a clonky abstract way............


this is better. more uplifting. the background vocal reminds me of a techno good the bad and the ugly



Gleds, I need to get the Sensation 1993 Part 2 tracks of music to you...I've got it on CD, I cant find it on youtube, its fab uplifting trance that makes me feel so high, without being high!

Anyways, I see you've read my email, I hope I hear back from you....

Take care sweetie,

Gledwood said...

i replied,just now

do you like the vitamin c mix here ~ i think it's wondrous

it might sound better if you know the original tune very well... or maybe not

hey i finally brought up your video and a couple more of my own, they're posted in embryonic form ready for tomorrow....

TRISCH TRISCH TRISCH TRISCH TRISCH the one person in the world I ever saw and wanted to know and it's too late already................

Syd said...

Hope that you are doing well. Take care. And have a good weekend.

Gledwood said...

have a listen to my vitamin C mix Syd; isn't it amazing?!

Gledwood said...

JEN: find that higher than high uplifting trance stuff as a matter of urgency ~~~~~~~ I require it for the my very mental wellbeing!!!!!!!!

Z said...

When I was about 7, we had a Finnish au pair. My mother complimented her on her English. "who's going to learn Finnish?" she said.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood