HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

RIP Anna Grace



ANNA GRACE is dead. A week ago today, she stuck a gun to her head, pulled the trigger and blasted herself into infinity.

Anna why did you do it?
I know why, you don't have to tell me.
You don't have to be sorry.
You did what I would have done.


Anna had bipolar depression and had been addicted to a variety of opiates for over a decade. Nothing except heroin or Dilaudid ever seemed to make her truly happy.

Her blog is at ppfaceannagrace.blogspot.com.



ANNA GRACE YOUNG: 2 February 1983 to 16 June 2011



She should have died hereafter;
There would have been a time for such a word.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.



23 comments:

Akelamalu said...

How tragic, what a waste of a life.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend Gleds. :(

Jeannie said...

I hope she has found the best drug then. We all do eventually.

Sorry you've lost someone you connected with. Hope you are ok.

Adrianna said...

Sorry I no believe.
She lie and wan make money for books and paypal.
You believe ma non io, e solo per soldi.
non be sad.

Fractalmom said...

Sorry for your loss Gleds :(

Gledwood said...

Nobody seems to believe (at her blog) that she's really gone.

Anna come back!

Syd said...

I am sorry Gleds. What a tragedy. Hope that you are okay.

Spindrift said...

tragic loss for you Gledwood, from your writing to her one could tell how much you cared. A real shock for you, I hope you are OK.

Gledwood said...

it's doing my head in, like being stuck in the twilight zone. nobody thinking she really is dead, yet anna vanished and no truth anywhere

Anonymous said...

It's a hoax.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1523894330&ref=ts#!/profile.php?id=1389806408&sk=wall

Her mother posted it yesterday on Face Book about the same time as the 'Death Hoax'

Gledwood said...

I brought up Elizabeth Erin Young's facebook page and it's weird talking about the book as if EE Young wrote it and not Anna Young. If she is Anna's mother she doesn't sound very upset.

bugerlugs63 said...

well I said i come back when less cross . . .not sure if I am, but try not to let it "do your head in" I'm sure it was written to do your (and other) head/s in. . .along with attracting heaps of attention & comments, which has worked. Not sure it will have upped the book sales though. I am sorry to be so cynical but I'm struggling to see how anyone beleived it . . .Yes I know I would feel awful if it were true . . but I am so absolutely sure it is one horrific lie otherwise I would not send this. I want to say what I think about it . . .but I wont.
My only concern is that she lets you know very quickly that she is still alive . . . before it causes you any more needless pain & torment.
Take care
much love
di
xx

Fractalmom said...

I guess I am sorry for your loss....either way. Whether she even existed at all, existed and ended her life, or exists and did this to you, it is devestating. There are those of us here who genuinely care about you and we are even real people. Whomever AnnaGrace is, or isn't, I wish she wouldn't play with people's heads. I as well went to her mother's Facebook page. She lists Anna as her daughter, but she is not even on her mother's friends list? For real? This is sounding weirder and weirder.

Anonymous said...

Don't get to worked up Gleds. look after yourself get busy with your move & future , change is a good thing its so easy when your on the gear to let things slip along . Take this opportunity and run with it & stop using get away from it all ,you will be surprised how you will feel & think in 6 months .Give it a go believe me its worth it. cheers , Clean for 4 yrs.

bugerlugs63 said...

Elizabeth Erin is most definitely her mother. . .Anna once commented on your blog but signed in as her mother . . .then admitted it . . She obviously got onto her mothers FB page to plug her "book" which is why her mother has explained to her friends "this is an anna comment".
They look alike , live in the same flats, she is listed as her daughter . . no she is not on her friends list . . . wonder why??
And yes, you're right, her mother is not upset . . .wonder why not?? probably because she knows nothing about this hideous twisted sad "joke"
sorry :-(
mostly sorry for you Gledwood as I thought she loved you but why would you put someone you love through this, has she not considered how you will be feeling . .As Fractalmom says . .there are many of us out here who genuinely care about you, and are proper pleased when u have good days (with or without H) Please dont let this mess you up, Keep one eye(at least) on that flicker of light.
good night
di
x

Anonymous said...

Maybe someone should ask her Dad what's the state of play:-

See his FB page -

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002265318789&sk=wall

His email address is quoted as:-

youngdean1957@yahoo.com

Adrianna said...

Boy you no need to worry about the liar.
The family is crazy and want to sell the book.
Why people have to lie to sell book? the family look really crazy to want her on drugs to sell book.
If she really die family can not be happy.family is to crazy Anna need get far away from them.
Now i felt sorry for Anna for the family using her to make money for book.If she die last week they not care, only for sel Anna book.
in morning i go to prist and ask why do people used other people.

aer conditonat said...

Rest in peace, i`m so sorry for her, the life is hard....very hard.

Baino said...

I had the horrors when I read this. Is she or isn't she? Is this why you started your Facebook page? If it's true, it's tragic, if it's not it's bloody horrible. If she's deceived you after all this time, just horrible.

bugerlugs63 said...

now this whole issue is stsrting to make me feel ill . . .I had endless confused nightmares re; You ,Anna, Anna sMum, my bro (who killed himself) coming back to life . . .and never having been dead . .I am really feeling uneasy . . I went to my facebook ac for some sanity . . .and there is a friend accept from a Gled Wood . . .who I requested mnths ago . .to see if it was you, as I doubted you would use fb.
There is nothing on that page to say its you??? that Gled Wood now has access tyo my fb names photos, family names, etc etc . . .which I dont mind if it is "you" But please, if its not you on FB let me know and I will block that person . . .I understand thgis is the least of your worries today . . .and through all my confusion & upset \& distrust, I am still most worried about you . . .Please be alright, keep an eye on the light . . .as this whole thing, whether trith or lie is dark dark & disturbing. It wreaks of hell.
With a bit more love than usual
worried sick
di
xxx

bugerlugs63 said...

I nipped to Anna to look at comments and the word verify glared out in red "hoppit" so i did.
Came to comment above and word verify
weopregi
we pray (pregi italian)
pray indeed . . . .I just pray YOU are ok (ish)

Anonymous said...

it all looks a bit suspect to me. If it is true that she hasnt killed herself, and is doing this to promote her book then that is the lowest of the low.
Something is not right if you look at her mothers fb page

Gledwood said...

Buggerlugz: yeah that was me, I had 6 Facebook friends requests. I don't really know how to use Facebook which is why I'm barely ever on it. I only signed in yesterday to chase up what's supposed to have happened to Anna... which I still don't understand, but I'm getting more and more pissed off about it by the hour.


Fractalmom: I just do not understand any more. I posted up yesterday what I really would have put if she died but I haven't a clue any more whether she's dead or alive or what the hell is going through her head if she is alive.

Anon: I just can't wait to get OFF methadone...! And on to nothing. I was going to switch to Subutex from anywhere between 30 and 5mg methadone but now I've decided just to wait until I actually am down that low to see how I feel when I'm there....


Baino: yes that's why I went back to Facebook. The dummy account had been up for ages. I had to call myself Gled Wood 2 words because they don't seem to like single-barrel names...

Anon: I posted her Dad's Facebook link up today along with her Mum's. Definitely the same family though I don't know how anybody traced her mother through facebook. The apartment building in her mother's photos is the same as in Anna's, definitely. And of course she mentions a daughter called Anna and her book.

Adriana: yeah I've got a horrible feeling she is lying. I can't believe she would do this

Aer Conditionat: life is too hard. Yes that is why she would have done it IF she did it...

Anon: pretty low, you're right

Buggerlugz: I'm OK I just CAN'T BELIEVE ANNA WOULD DO THAT

Furtheron said...

Very sad

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

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Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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